[it goes to your head]

i'll defriend a bitch

2009-07-27T09:04:00.002-05:00

I have five types of friends on Facebook: family, close friends, work friends, high school friends, and friends of friends; each one of them with their own personal opinions and agendas. I am very opinionated myself and am typically not afraid (queue the nerd music) to express how I feel via status updates, link posts, etc. There is a fine line between respectfully putting your opinions out there and doing so in a way that is hateful, though. But how do we judge where that line blurs?

I should give you some background. I consider myself pretty liberal. I’ve always voted democrat – mostly for social reasons. I’m pro-choice, for gay marriage, etc. When the 2008 election rolled around, I frequently changed my profile pictures to the Obama change campaign pictures, lent my statuses to get out the vote for him and so on. Okay and sure, there were the occasional McCain/Palin jokes that floated around in there, too. It was all in good fun. The night Obama won, like usual, I was on Facebook and chat talking to friends that live around the country about the awesomeness that was his win.

It was then that really hateful status updates started popping up. The N word was flung around a few times; people were pissed he had actually won. I deleted all of these people. I don’t care who you are, a family member, a close friend, a friend of a friend… I don’t put up with hate. It’s just so ugly.

But here’s the question, when do you delete people and when do you say “well, it’s their opinion,” and let it be what it is? Obviously in the above scenario, deleting them seemed completely kosher and I don’t regret for one second some friends I lost that night.

Most of my friends are smart people. They understand that if two gay people get married it does not imply the next law to be passed will allow their neighbor to marry a horse. I would say 90% of them have good common sense, are respectful and awesome. The other 10% are questionable. But does that mean I shouldn’t be friends with them just because they don’t feel the way I do about certain issues?

I had a friend in high school who stopped being my friend because I didn’t believe in God. In high school that was a big deal. I was trying to garner all the friends I could. I was confused and mad at her. I didn’t go around and shove my opinions in her face. I didn’t ridicule her for thinking differently – but she felt strongly enough about it to stop being my friend. This is where the blurry line stems from. Would I want someone to de-friend me because I had a differing idea about a concept held so closely as a belief in God?

I guess I’m suggesting that friendships on Facebook hold meaning. And I know “it’s just Facebook.” But, trust me. I’ve deleted people who have come back and said, “WHY DID YOU DELETE ME!?” with puppy dog eyes and horrible accusatory tones in full flourish. There are people I thought wouldn’t even notice, who’ve added me back a day later. Facebook is serious business.

I have 179 friends on Facebook. Can I even afford to lose the friends? There are things I feel strongly about but let’s face it; I don’t want to hurt my numbers.

how was your weekend?

2009-07-20T08:50:00.003-05:00

You know the people who only ask how your weekend went because they desperately want to tell you about theirs?

Well, I've decided I'm no longer going to ask. There is one person in particular who does this almost every Monday and I've decided that I'm no longer going to participate in the ole bait and switch. When they ask me how my weekend went, I'm going to go on and on and on and divulge every little detail. Then, when I'm done - I'm going to immediately change the subject so there is no room left in the conversation to talk about weekends.

Here it is, in story format:

---
Laura waved her key in front of the little electronic locking system at the front doors of NET, listening for the click of the door to let her in. The air smelled musty and warm as she walked through the front doors. Her pants were slipping off her hips, but as not to pull them up in front of the cameras pointed directly at the entrance, she begrudgingly walked a little farther towards her desk before grabbing the sides and giving them a quick tug up.

Placing her purse and freshly cleaned coffee mug on her desk, she reached down to turn on her computer. She hadn't even risen from below her desk when a familiar voice, like nails on a chalkboard said "Hi Laura. How was your weekend?"

Laura rolled her eyes before turning her head to face her questioner. This scenario played out every Monday. Laura would say, "Good. How was your---" and then be cut off by a slur of details, event plannings, minute tragedies and happy endings. Unfortunately for her fellow employee, Laura had had enough.

"Well let's see," Laura exclaimed, "On Friday, Bryan and I went to see Harry Potter. It was so good but there were these kids sitting in front of us that just would not shut up. Normally, in a movie like that we don't care because they're Harry Potter fans who are just overly exciting, astheyshouldbe, who are having a good time but still being respectful."

She took a quick breath and continued. "Saturday we just hung out at home, relaxed, you know... it was just nice to spend a day at home. I pulled a few weeds. Didsomelaundry. Readabook. Didthedishesandwatchedsometelevision." She went on and on for a few minutes, trying desperately to fill each second with every agonizingly boring detail.

Then, when the details of Sunday had been disclosed, Laura picked up the phone receiver on her desk and said "Oh, shoot. I have to make a call!" turned her back, and quickly dialed the number to get the mornings time and weather forecast.

Laura could hear the person still standing behind her, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, waiting for her to get off the phone. A few seconds more of waiting, and she finally heard her sigh and turn to walk away.

Laura sighed with relief and hung up the phone. Sitting back down at her desk, she gave herself a congratulatory metaphorical pat on the back and logged into her computer.
---

So now, I ask, without any sense of sarcasm... how was your weekend?

mcbarfy

2009-07-17T08:31:00.003-05:00

We've all seen the commercials 8 million times. McDonald's new campaign to shove their McCafe' coffees down our throats (literally) has been going on for awhile now. Their goal? Steal business away from the ever-popular Starbucks.

Being that my very best friend works at a Starbucks - I have been financially supporting her (that's my excuse, at least) by only buying my coffee from the delicious, delicious coffee chain. A few friends and I used to have Starbucks Fridays. We rotated weeks and each Friday we would switch who bought our delicious, delicious lattes. Have I mentioned they're delicious? It was a bright spot at the end of our work week.

This morning, running late like usual, I didn't have time to wait in line at Starbucks so I opted for the drive-thru at McDonald's - I figured I'd get a sausage biscuit (my favorite) and maybe try one of them there new McCafe' Mocha's. I considered it research. Was it possible for a McDonald's coffee to even compare to my beloved Starbucks?

Complaint #1: I ordered a small Mocha and the darn thing was too wide at the top to fit in a normal-sized cup holder. WHY is the cup so wide at the top? Starbucks 1, McDonald's 0.

Complaint #2: BARF. It wasn't even remotely good. It tasted like cheap creamer mixed with some chocolate syrup with a little bit of regular coffee thrown in the mix. It wasn't hot enough (which, okay I can't really blame McDonald's for. I let it sit for awhile to cool like I usually do with my Sbux latte... b/c IT is actually hot) but even if it had been hot, it wouldn't have detracted from the graininess of the coffee flavor. Starbucks 2, McDonald's 0.

Complaint #3: I thought, "Maybe it's an acquired taste." So, I forced myself to sip on it for awhile. Sure enough, maybe 10 sips later I thought "Okay, so it's not so bad." But really, yes it was. By this point, it wasn't even lukewarm anymore. Which brings me to the conclusion that the cup doesn't hold the heat in very well. Starbucks 3, McDonald's 0.

Pro #1: It's cheaper than Starbucks. A small mocha only put me out about $2.60 while a tall latte from Sbux would've been about a dollar more. But... here I sit with a small mocha from McDonald's that is still half full b/c I can't bring myself to drink the rest. I would've rather spent a dollar more and had a warm, happy tummy. So, Starbucks 4, McDonald's 0.

So, there you have it.

McDonald's should stick to what it does best - sausage biscuits. Because that, my friend, was delicious.

hbp, ftw!

2009-07-16T10:32:00.004-05:00

Freak the heck out. Harry Potter came out this week and I still haven't seen it yet. I usually go to the midnight release but because of some changes in plans and the hubby's travel plans for work - I have to wait until Friday night.

I talked to someone about the release today and she mentioned what a HUGE Harry Potter fan she was... and then proceeded to ask if Dumbledore died in Order of the Phoenix.

*silence*

ANYWAY.

It's hard to wait when I keep hearing how this is the best Potter movie yet. I thought Order of the Phoenix was by far the best out of the 5 that were already out. If you've read the books, you'll know how the first few movies just don't quite live up to the awesomeness that is Harry Potter. It doesn't help that I've had to wait even longer than I thought to see HBP in the first place. The darn movie was supposed to be released in November (I think it had the same release date as Twilight, even) and then was pushed back due in part to said Twilight.

While I love me some Edward Cullen, he just does not compare to Harry Potter - and Potter fans everywhere were pissed that HP6 (which has always come out in the Fall) was pushed back due to some stinkin' vampires.

In fact, check this out...

"Howler" w/ Hank Green

Curse you July release date!

on why i'll always buy apple

2009-07-02T08:25:00.002-05:00

My first experience with Apple products came when I was a senior in high school. My theater teacher had a powerbook he swore by. When it came time for me to buy my first computer to take to college, Mr. Kimball convinced me a Mac was the way to go.

I saved some money to which my Dad contributed to, and I excitedly ordered my 14 inch iBook G4. When it finally arrived in the mail, I was beside myself. This beautiful piece of stark white technology was mine all mine. Every little feature amazed me. "It talks to me?!"

I carted this computer around through my freshman, sophomore and junior years of college. It went with me everywhere. To class, home to my parents, on any trips I took. I loved it. It wasn't until my senior year of college I began to have problems. Occasionally, the screen would go all wiggley and I'd have to do a manual restart.

I decided to take it into the Apple store where they informed me my logic board was bad. She did a little searching and found that the logic boards in some other computers had been recalled, but I was past the recall date by over 2 and a half years.

When I bought the computer, I also purchased the extended warranty. Unfortunately, my warranty was already a year and a half out of date. I drooled over some of the new macbooks in the store while the nice lady told me she was going to try sending my computer in to be fixed. Since the warranty was so over it's mark, she wasn't sure if they'd cover it or not. They were supposed to call me and let me know how much it was going to be. I mentioned to her that if it wasn't going to be fixed for free, I would probably just purchase a new macbook.

It was only 2 days later the Apple store called me. My computer was back in and ready for pick up. They had replaced the logic board, and b/c my case was cracked in the corner, gave me a new bottom shell - all for FREE. Who does that? I had even told them if it wasn't going to be covered I was going to purchase a brand spanking new computer. And still, they fixed everything for free.

I skipped home with my computer who lasted me another 2 years. She still runs today but the call of the new macbooks finally came knocking on my door and I purchased a new 12 inch macbook last October.

Just recently I purchased an ipod touch. I was itching for an iphone but I settled, still having a contract with USCellular for another 2 years. After having my ipod touch for about 2 months, the itch finally was too bad to stand and I sold the ipod touch to a friend at work, paid the contract cancellation fee to USCellular, and finally bought my iphone. I immediately began my search for the perfect iphone case. I had my ipod touch case still, as my FAW didn't want to purchase that along with the touch. I put the ipod case back in it's original packaging and went into the Apple store again, explained to them my situation. I had an ipod case, but now needed an iphone case. "No problem," he said. Because I still had the case in it's original packaging, they let me exchange my ipod case for an iphone case, no charge to me. I was in and out in a matter of minutes.

This is why I will always buy Apple products. I know there is much talk about how Apple takes advantage of people - putting out a first generation product at a high cost only to make a better product later and cut the price in half. Well, of course they're going to put out a better product later. That's just how technology works. There will always be something better, something new, something cheaper. "People just buy it because it's pretty," is another thing I hear a lot. And to that I say, "Duh." If you make your product appealing, people will be more interested. Apples sleek look is not the reason that keeps me coming back. It is their great customer care, their products that have outlasted any PC I have ever owned, their ability to make great and interesting products, that keeps me coming back.

I will always buy Apple products as long as their support remains high. I love my macbook, my iphone, my ibook G4. And I always will.

welcome to my desk

2009-07-01T10:14:00.007-05:00

I don't have a lot to do today at work. The big-ups are doing some work on our system so I'm kicked out of any invoicing I would normally be doing until lunch time. So, I took this opportunity to take some pictures of my desk. I have a fun little window seat now. Let me show you around!

here is my little slice of window. i can just barely see outside, sweet!

mimi loves her new plant. she loves to wiggle around. also, note the cute cactus!

and this is the fun stuff i have pinned up. wheee!

Well, that's about it. It's exciting here at the NET. Having an iPhone is so fun I can hardly stand it. Just think all the work I'll avoid sending pictures of the fun things happening in my cube. Hooray for menial office employment!

bitch mode

2009-06-25T14:46:00.003-05:00

Why do all the girls in the new Transformers movie look like they have a STD?

B and I went to the midnight showing of Transformers the other night. The theater was packed to the brim mostly with young guys - some toting their girlfriends along. I was excited to see the movie as I really liked the first one. I can remember the holy shit that was awesome feeling I had when the first one ended in the theater. So needless to say, I was pumped.

With all the buzz around Megan Fox, I was prepared for numerous close ups on her boobs. And boy, was I smart to be prepared. There were so many lingering closeups that I even became uncomfortable a few times.

And, it really started bothering me that all the girls looked sweaty ALL the time. I mean, isn't there a/c in the house? Why are you so sweaty? And don't even get me started on the amount of lip gloss that girl wears. WHO WEARS THAT MUCH LIP GLOSS MEGAN?

I know I'm coming across as just another bitchy female who thinks all pretty women are bimbos, but that's just not the case. I like guy movies and I know with that comes watching half-naked girls in completely ridiculous and unbelievable scenarios ie, Megan Fox draped over a motorcycle, her butt sticking up in the air. (That cannot be a comfortable way to sit.)

The more I've thought about it, the more I realize it goes both ways. Megan Fox draped over a motorcycle is really no different than Rob Pattinson going shirtless and running through a forest. They do whatever it takes to get the fans in the door and happy, eager to pay 20 bucks for the DVD when it's released. And let's be cliche', sex sells.

The problem I have is, well, I guess I don't really have a problem at all. It's a movie. Who cares. She's not an ugly girl. Megan Fox is very pretty. I just think she's way prettier when she's clothed and does not have obscene amounts of lip gloss and sweat dripping off of her.

There. I'm done.

i love you, learning

2009-06-22T14:16:00.003-05:00

It's not a secret I like to read. I always had my nose in a book as a child, as an uncomfortable middleschooler, highschooler, college student. Some of my favorite memories are the ones I share with a good story. Even as an adult, I still love to read.

B is not a reader. He doesn't enjoy fiction and doesn't understand really why anyone else does. "Why would I read something that didn't happen?" He thinks of fiction purely as a made-up story. Something false, not real, pointless. He will happily read a book about real-life WWII accounts, military explorations, etc - but when it comes to fictional classics, he turns up his nose.

I've been stumbling over this idea, trying to see his point. Fiction to me is always more than just a made up story. There are many facets. You identify with characters, find morality, ethical situations which stimulate your mind to think of the bigger picture. You don't just read it and throw it to the side. Each story sticks with you somehow. You see the characters as people - the inner workings of each makes them human.

It is not merely the story or a "Once upon a time, here's the middle, now the end, what did you learn from this?" It is so much more than that. It's not only an escape from reality, but a whole other world you're living while staying planted in the physical.

I love reading. I love the critical analysis that comes with it; finding the little nuggets the author has hidden for you to find. When I look back to high school - I don't think I was stimulated enough. I had to learn to find those things on my own in most of my English classes. Because some of my fellow highschooler's weren't at the top of their game my teachers would let me sit outside the classroom and read ahead. Most of the time the teachers had to read aloud to the class just to keep their attention. I am both thankful for this, and sometimes resentful. It is because of this I read as much as I did. But it is also because of this I didn't get to dive in as deep as I would have had I gone to a better school.

I guess this is why I get so enamored with people like John Green who seem to have such a strong understanding of literature. We never had to read Catcher in the Rye in high school, but after stumbling upon John Green's youtube video about it - I am inspired to read it and youtube along with his pseudo English lesson. It takes me back to my comfort zone - the happiness I felt when I was stimulated in English class (heh, heh.)

i'm ready for my close up, mr. demille

2009-06-19T14:12:00.005-05:00

As I made my way to the breakroom to garner more coffee from the work coffee Gods the other day, I was startled to see myself walk by on someones computer screen. I did a double take and realized they had a little camera positioned on the top of their monitor. It wasn't until then I realized we have cameras positioned all around the office. One pointed towards the front door and the receptionist desk, one in the break room, one in the main office, etc.

I panicked. How many times have I adjusted my bra, pulled my pants up higher, picked a wedgie?? UGH. And let's just say when I'm at the front desk and no one is around I am so not a lady.

Let's not lie to ourselves. Everyone does it. When no one is watching you lose all shame. I sometimes have reached down my shirt and re-adjusted my boobs in my bra. I'm not even joking. Why would not? There is no one around to see. Or so I thought.

All of this camera stuff has me very paranoid. And for no other reason than complete and utter vanity. There have been no secret love affairs in the break room. I don't have to worry about theft of office supplies. No, the only thing I'm worried about is someone seeing me picking food out of my teeth.

Don't they have to tell you there are cameras? Even worse yet, I'm sure the cameras have been up for a long time. I doubt this is something new. I've just been too oblivious in the past to notice. Now, when I walk into an area I know is monitored I suck in my stomach and walk a little straighter. I don't want to be known as the fat girl with the bad posture, who picks the underwear out of her butt and grabs her own boobs.

Ugh.

i love you, reading

2009-06-08T13:16:00.003-05:00

So here's the situation.

There are people around me who are just now getting into Twilight, which is great. Add that in with all the movie buzz, and the award show appearances of Bella and Edward (no, they do not have real names) and I have myself a problem. I am itching to read the books again. I own all four, so this shouldn't be too hard a goal to conquer, however, I have like 8 million books in line to be read before them. My bright and shiny new library card is just calling out to be used. I have two library books in my possession presently and two on hold. Not to mention the other 8 or 9 books sitting on my bookshelf at home that burned a hole in my pocket which still have not been opened.

I'm weighing my options. Do I put all other books on hold and pick up the Twilight series again, only to have it rip my life away like it did last time? Or, do I tuck them away - a prize to be reached only when finishing all other books in line before them? Ugh, the torture. Please, feel free to stop and point and call me a nerd as you pass by.

I know not everyone holds Twilight in such high regard. And I admit it might not be the best piece of work ever written, but I won't lie that it doesn't suck me in like a fat kid wearing spandex. The books are like cocaine. (I decided against comparing it to Edwards desire for Bella's blood, citing good taste. No pun intended.) And I also know once I pick the books back up my tone with Bryan will turn condescending for the simple fact that he is not Edward Cullen.

Can my relationship sustain such a thing?

omg why isn't the tivo recording?!

2009-06-03T09:29:00.003-05:00

I like to watch tv. A lot of tv. So much so that B and I had a minor panic attack awhile back when we realized we still had time slots open on a Monday night to record shows. I realized then we had a problem - but it was an addiction I was willing to feed. We even invested in a dual tuner Tivo - so we could record two shows at once. Tivo has both helped and hurt us. Because of it we are no longer slaves to the TV in the usual sense. We don't have to be home at a certain time to catch our shows. But it's because of this feature we end up having 8 hours of TV to catch up on later in the evening. I've caught myself saying "Let's not go out, we have 4 episodes of The Office to watch still," and saying it begrudgingly.

TV has slowly taken over my life. It's the first thing I do in the morning, and the last thing I do at night. I plan my nightly routine by how much time it takes me to shower and get in bed to catch Chelsea Lately and Conan. I wake up in time to get ready and catch the first 15 minutes of the Today Show.

I started thinking yesterday about how hard it would be to not watch tv. I've been trying to write more lately but my words all come out jumbled and screen-play esque. Well, I'm not writing a screenplay nor do I want to. I cannot describe things the way I should because I expect the reader to know what I'm talking about. I mean, they can see it on the screen, can't they? It really occured to me that in order to write sentences that do not sound like the newest episode of 90210 I would have to do something drastic.

So, how hard could it possibly be? And to what lengths would I go? Cut TV out completely? Well... I figure I could still watch the news. That means the Today Show still counts. Chelsea Lately really isn't a fictional show so that shouldn't matter... Conan, sure why cut him out? But then there are shows like The Office. 30 Rock. Roseanne?! How could I cut out Roseanne? Greek? So you Think you Can Dance? My breathing gets heavier just thinking about it.

So I thought about catching a few select shows only on Hulu. But what's the difference? All I'm doing is giving myself excuses. I just don't know if I can live my life without Family Guy. I really don't.

I wouldn't be honest with myself if I said I wasn't a technology-driven person. I enjoy having constant access to everything. Full cable, 24/7 internet, my friends socially networked at my fingertips. I'm not sure I could cut out such a huge part of my life.

How does the saying go? Anything hard is worth doing? Or, if something is hard to do it's not worth doing? Wait. I think I'm channeling my inner Homer Simpson.

oh, it's go time

2009-05-14T11:43:00.005-05:00

I think I'm being attacked.

It started yesterday as I peacefully sat at my desk minding my own business working on work related work stuff. I was type type typing away when I saw it out of the corner of my eye. A tiny little minuscule insignificant gnat. It flew at me from the left and then continued its buzz buzz buzzing right around me as I type type typed.

I flailed at it. I tried shooing it away with my hand, clapping my hands together in an attempt to squash it, slapping my computer screen when it landed for a rest. Nothing worked. This little gnat kept narrowly escaping my attempts at its demise. Finally after a few more flails and claps it flew away. Relief washed over me. I looked around. Had anyone seen me flailing about? Nobody seemed to be giving me the old crazy eye so I let out a sigh of relief and went back to my typing.

Today, it was back. It waited until I was completely unsuspecting, taking a sip of coffee when it planned its air strike. This time it came at me from above. The little bugger flew right into my face. In my attempt to flail I narrowly escaped spilling coffee down my shirt. I went into cat mode and started grabbing at it with my paw but again, every time I missed. Again I clapped my hands together as it swan-dived in front of me, slapped my desk each time it thought about landing and every time I missed.

I don't know what this gnat is on, or why he's targeting me. I don't have any food at my desk. I checked for pungent body odor and was pleased to find myself smelling of fresh soap. I checked the mirror. I don't have a sign on my forehead that says "Gnats fly here." The only two things that could possibly be gnat attractors are Mimi the fish and my small pokey cactus but even so I'm not too quick to pass blame on either two.

All I know is this gnat is out to get me and the game is on.

live long and prosper

2009-05-11T14:51:00.007-05:00

Distance is a crappy thing.

I had a brief pang of sadness as I pulled out of the driveway on Dunstone Drive this past weekend. 5 days of vacation time spent with the parents is usually enough to have me wishing for Madison but this time I found it harder to leave.

Saturday was spent bouncing around town with my sister and then meeting up with some of her grade school friends at St. Norbert's school picnic. It was crazy listening to them talk about the kids they went to school with. "So and so has 5 kids." "I just ran into whats her face last weekend!" Listening to the back and forth of the who's who and who's where made me a little jealous of how far away I am from my best friends. If you had asked my 17 year-old self I would've scoffed at the idea of staying in the same town, having kids and socializing with the same people I went school with. Yet, there I sat feeling jealous of the experiences these people spoke of. What I wouldn't give to live in the same town as my best friends. Be a part of each others day to day lives.

I have to be careful not to discount the experiences I've had because of our choices to move around the country; the friends I've made because I was out of my comfort zone and knew no one else. I am thankful for where I am and the friends I have now. I am also thankful for how close my friends and I are despite our physical distances, and the appreciation we have for each other because of it, too.

On a slightly more nerd-tastic note, I must share my new crush. I saw Star Trek this weekend and was given heart-palpitations by one, Spock. I definitely recommend it. In fact, I'm gonna make B take me to see it again this weekend! MmmZacharyQuinto.

i'll take a Cook brother, please

2009-05-06T07:56:00.003-05:00

It was 6am. My alarm had just gone off for the first time. Like usual, I hit the snooze button; the first time of many. It was then, in my last 20 minutes of sweet, sweet sleep that I had the oddest dream.

I was in soon-to-be Mrs. Holladay's wedding. Front row and center. Jenny was sitting next to me, and next to her was Nicholas. Being that Nicholas, apparently, was a bridesmaid - I'm not sure who Holly was marrying but it surely wasn't her husband. Across from us was a gentleman who looked like he had walked in from the street holding a bouquet of hair. Yes, hair. He was eating it.

The Wedding March started to play and we all proceeded to hold our flowers up in the air like we were hailing Hitler. Even the hair-holder held his high for Holly. (Holy alliteration.) Holly marched her way up the aisle and was wearing a beautiful white wedding dress that, turned out was just a bit see-through when she turned around. Her bright blue underwear shone through the back. I remember thinking, "That's unfortunate."

9 minutes later, my alarm when off again and again I hit the snooze button. This time when I fell back asleep Holly was telling me how she was sorry that David Cook couldn't stay for the reception, but "don't worry!" she had a surprise. It was then she pulled me around the corner into VOILA - David Cook's brother "Adam," who in my dream was really his brother Andrew. I then proceeded to freak out and get all sweaty. So sweaty in fact, my makeup started dripping down my face. I quickly excused myself to the ladies room. I tried feverishly to stop the steady downpour that was my sweat. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop the makeup from dripping off my face. I hoped Andrew wouldn't notice and made my way back to him where he was suddenly in a recording studio attached to the reception.

That's about when I woke up. I mean, WHAT THE H?! What did I eat before I went to bed? Did those chocolate chip cookies have something in them? And why do I suddenly have a crush on Andrew Cook?

i'm an impostor

2009-05-03T21:50:00.008-05:00

This weekend B's parents were up to help us with the yard. We ripped up most of the backyard and spots in the front that needed to be re-planted. Our yard was a hot mess when we bought it. In place of grass were mostly violets and we had hoards of ant hills.

I don't think I've ever worked outside that much in my life. We were outside from morning until dark ripping out grass and flowers, and planting fresh greenery. Now I don't mind planting a few flowers. It's fun for awhile. And I'm sure I'll feel good about all the work we did when I see my flowers start to really blossom...but, I realized something this weekend. I am definitely an indoor kitty. Or, a kitty that likes to relax, rather. I can't wait until the deck is put back on so I can chill out in the backyard with a summery drink and a good book. I'm looking forward to seeing all the flowers but I will always be reminded of how much work it was to put them in. I guess a little hard work never hurt anyone but I just don't get how B finds all the laboring work relaxing. I was actually looking forward to coming back to work this week for a break.

I got down and dirty in the mud. Used my bare hands to spread soil and mulch. Planted flowers. It felt good to work but I have to admit I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to planting flowers. Lucky for me my mother in law is a flower crazy-person so she was able to help me pick out flowers that would be good for certain areas of the yard.

It was fun to learn and plant but I don't think gardening will become a huge hobby for me... The flowers I planted will be lucky if I get out there to weed and water them.

These are Geraniums I put in a little green pot out on our front step.

A little Jacob's Ladder accents our split rail fence down on the corner.

This is the said split rail fence along with the flowers. Jacobs Ladder, Forget-Me-Nots, Creeping Plox, and some grasses in the back.

Forget-Me-Not!

The boys had fun digging up the yard. Here is B riding behind his Dad's tractor.

panic! ...at the disco?

2009-05-01T08:42:00.004-05:00

I am not a hypochondriac. The constant swine flu coverage, emails from HR with "helpful hints" about hand-washing, and recent Wisconsin school-closings gets two "Gahs," and a "Pfffft," from me. Okay, you get my point. But here's what I'm getting at - while I do not typically worry when flu season rolls around, I still do my part to stave off little microbes entering my orifices.

While at Chipotle yesterday 3 of my pet peeves regarding the containment of microbes were met.

Firstly, there were two children running around in their pajamas - making laps around the halfwall dividing the checkout line from the dining area. Please, ma'am. Keep your children near you or on leashes if they can't handle standing still. I'm not above leashes. I'll do it.

Secondly, said woman was blatantly poking her head OVER the sneeze guard protecting the food from any gross spittles flying from her overly lipsticked mouth. She then proceeded to reach over the sneeze guard to point at what salsa she wanted. Last time I checked the fine gentlemen working at Chipotle all have working ears and are able to hear when you say "Corn Salsa." They do not need to you to point. Stay behind the sneeze guard.

And thirdly, the stupid bald man sitting next to us kept coughing. And not just coughing, either, coughing without covering his mouth. This is a food establishment sir, cover your mouth when you cough. I do not need your swine flu dancing its way over to my burrito.

The combination of these three things made me put down the last 1/4 of my steak burrito (1/4!) and tell B I had lost my appetite and was ready to leave. This never happens. I always finish my burrito. Always. You can hardly get a word out of me while I'm devouring the deliciousness that is Chipotle.

Again, I am not a hypochondriac. Far from it. I am married to one, however. With this whole swine flu business going around it was only a matter of time before B mentioned an irritating cough and a "kind of upset stomach." Just a little background; B's tummy has a very low tolerance for well, anything. He gets an upset stomach a few times a week. We pledge our loyalty to TUMS. Do I think he has anything other than a little lactose intolerance? Absolutely not.

My point is this - while I might not believe that this whole swine flu business has enough merit to cause the panic it seems to be causing - the more people worry about it and not cover their mouth when they cough, the more I can feel my throat start to hurt. I am a firm believer I can stave off illness with a few capsules of Airborne and a good attitude. So if I'm starting to worry about dancing swine flu particles, there's a problem.

That being said, the next person who coughs near my burrito w/o doing into into the bend in their elbow is going to get a few strong words from me and maybe even a spritz of Lysol in their general direction.

Do your part people. Cover your mouth. Wash your hands. Keep your children away from me. Obey the laws of the sneeze guard.

on insomnia

2009-04-27T08:38:00.002-05:00

I have been feeling guilty the last few days. Guilty for feeling bad, I guess. A good friend of mine lost someone last week, which I just found out about on Saturday. The images keep creeping into my head and I haven't been able to sleep. That's where the guilt comes in. Why am I losing sleep? I lost no one. I hurt for her though. It is unimaginable what she is going through right now.

As I laid in bed last night listening to the silence, the slow snore of the man next to me, and the occasional batting of a toy mouse in the hallway, a small part of me wanted to pray for her.

I am a sensible person. I do not believe that you can make things happen by praying. I do not believe that by praying you can make things not happen. I do not believe that my praying for her would give her any comfort. The comfort given by reciting the Our Father would purely be for my benefit. It's a learned behavior. A comfort tool. A child sucking their thumb.

I thought of what my dad would say. "Well, it can't hurt." And I guess he's right. Even if I'm against organized religion, against the belief that there's some man in the sky who has dominion over us, decides what happens to us by how much prayer we give - what is the harm in reciting a small prayer if it gives me comfort?

I didn't pray last night. I didn't say the Our Father or the Hail Mary. I let my conflicted mind wander all over the place. I thought about meditation. I thought about my friend. I thought about how short life is. I thought about war. I thought about the friends I used to have that are no longer here. I thought about life before moving here. About Chili's. About Ernie. About Scott. About Jaci planning her wedding. Laughing, playing, joking around. Trading shifts, comping food, Sunday parties.

I guess it's one of the downfalls of growing up. I look at my parents, people that are older than me and see that they've lost people too. Even if they're not my closest friends, in my inner circle; realizing a person you used to see on a daily basis is no longer on the planet, no longer goofing around, no longer comping food or telling jokes, no longer kissing their wife, their son... it makes you really think hard about your own mortality. How fragile life really is. How quickly things change.

How life forges ahead with or without you.

sunday, rainy sunday

2009-04-26T13:17:00.004-05:00

Just another typical rainy weekend in Madison. I spent most of my time finishing up The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Like usual, this new book is one of my favorites. Next up, Paper Towns by John Green.

It's Sunday now and I'm currently engrossed in a Law & Order: Criminal Intent marathon. I'm a little bothered at the Ray Lamontagne song playing in the intro that doesn't seem to fit the current murder taking place.

My battery life has reached 8% and is quickly dwindling so... I guess that's it!

laura-ology

2009-04-23T12:45:00.012-05:00

Jenny informally tagged me in this survey and since the days of Myspace are long over for me I thought it would be a fun distraction. If you're reading this, consider yourself tagged too!

Foodology
What is your salad dressing of choice?
I tend to like Caesar salads or something with a light dressing like a vinaigrette.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
It changes often b/c when I like a restaurant I tend to eat there until I get sick of it and move onto the next place. right now I'm really digging Buffalo Wild Wings and HuHot.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Pizza.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Just cheese or pepperoni, thanks!

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter and sugar or just butter and grape jelly.

Technology
How many televisions are in your house?
2 functioning TVs and one that sits alone in the cold basement unplugged.

What color cell phone do you have?
Black with a blue keyboard.

Do you have an Ipod?
Speak of the devil, I just got a new iPod touch since mine was stolen.

Biology
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Not that I’m aware of...

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My burrito at lunch. It was huge!

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Not that I remember!

Bullcrapology
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No way.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I've always wanted to change my name. in 3rd grade it was Mitzy, and in 7th it was Jessa - but now I am happy to announce that I am perfectly content with the name Laura.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
As long as you don't dump anything gross into the hot sauce like gravy, mayonnaise, or pickle juice like we used to do at Denny’s circa freshmen year... for a thousand bucks? Sure!

Dumbology
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
I do own quite a few but I have a hard time wearing them now. My ankle isn't too happy with me when I break out the flimsy little buggers.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
I called them when our neighbors car was shot out and then B called them when my car was broken into. I swear I don't really live in the ghetto.

Last person you talked to?
The friendly Conway delivery man who has a palette he's dropping off at our warehouse. we exchanged pleasantries and then I continued tap-tap-tapping on my keyboard.

Last person you hugged?
B. Palmer last night. :)

Favoritology
Season?
I like the transitional seasons, spring and fall.

Holiday?
Thanksgiving & July 4th.

Day of the week?
FRIDAYS.

Month?
October is usually my favorite month. I love all the Halloween/Fall type stuff that starts to pop up around town that time of year.

Currentology
Missing someone?
Sure thing. I miss my friends that are spaced out around the country.

Mood?
Fidgety.

What are you listening to?
The silence of the front desk area. When I return to my desk I will be rocking out to the Lily Allen station on Pandora, though!

Watching?
I type for a few minutes and then look out the window and daydream about what it would be like to be sitting outside, reading a book, drinking a glass of wine.

Worrying about?
Nothing in particular, really.

Randomology
First place you went this morning?
Outside of my house? To work.

What's the last movie you saw?
I sobbed my way through Marley & Me the other night.

Do you smile often?
I sure try to!

Sleeping alone tonight?
I will be sleeping with the same boy I sleep with every night along with all three of our cats, all on my side of the bed.

Otherology
Do you always answer your phone?
Hardly ever depending on who's calling. I always answer texts though.

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Definitely somebody from Twitter. Either that or it's something witty from BG.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I’m good with what I was given.

If you could change any drink flavor at sonic what would it be?
Apparently a Sonic just opened up the street from where I work... I probably still won't go there so... IDK.

Do you own a digital camera?
Yes indeed I do.

have you ever owned a fish?
I owned a few goldfish back in the day and a beta or two along the way. I’m not a very good fishy mom, however and I’m pretty sure if I had one now my kitties would call it lunch.

Favorite Christmas song(s)
Meh, I’m not a big Christmas music fan.

What's on your wish list for your birthday?
It's too early to really start thinking about a birthday wish list...

Can you do pushups?
Maybe a few, but probably only the girl kind.

Can you do a chin up?
Heck no.

Does the future make you nervous or excited?
A little of both.

Do you have any saved texts?
Only the ones that stay in my inbox until it's full and I delete them all.

Ever been in a car wreck?
Nope, knock on wood.

Do you have an accent?
I’m starting to pick up a Wisconsin accent. I’ve been making the longer 'o' sounds I’ve noticed.

What is the last song to make you cry?
there's a Michael Buble song that always makes me cry called "Home."

Plans tonight?
Spending a little time outdoors enjoying the warm weather and then inside maybe watching some TV, snuggling' with the kitties.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Maybe not rock bottom, thankfully.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Meat sauce, a new dish scrubber, and a cute top from Target. Wheee!

Have you ever been given roses?
Yep, a few times.

Current worry?
Eh, nothing too major.

Current hate right now?
I wouldn't say hate but I’m a little on edge with some people.

Met someone who changed your life?
I think everyone changes your life even if it's only in a little way.

How will you spend summer?
Sitting in the shade w/ a good book.

What song represents you?
Hmm... I can't think of one right off the top of my head.

Name three people who might complete this.
Jenny already did, so... I bet it shows up on Holly’s blog one of these days.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Absolutely, but not to change anything. Just to re-live.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Yeah.

Do you have any piercings/tattoos?
Just the regular ear piercings and a belly button ring.

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
That's the plan.

Does anyone love you?
Thankfully, yes!

Would you be a pirate?
From what I can guess, it doesn't look like pirates are given ample opportunities to shower. And, being one that likes to shower myself, this might be the one hindrance that keeps me from a life of piracy.

What songs do you sing in the shower?
Lately it's been a lot of Lily Allen.

Ever had someone sing to you?
Unfortunately.

When did you last cry?
A few weeks ago.

Do you like to cuddle?
Not usually.

Have you held hands with anyone today?
Not today, nope.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Aiko da kitty.

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
anything that had cute boys in it. Hanson fo sho! Or wait, I guess Hanson was more in 7th and 8th grade. I think the first CD I bought in 6th grade was Ace of Base.

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?
the grammar here is confusing me. my ex's prospects or my exes and my prospects?
(I couldn't think of a better answer than Jenny’s so I left it :)

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
A mixture of both with more weighing in around the old category.

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
No. Blech.

What is something your friends make fun of you for?
hmm, Erin likes to point out my short-comings when I typo. And Jess and Laura like to call me Short-Pants Palmer and question my taste in fake work boyfriends. Other than that though, nothing... I hope. :)

happy earth day!

2009-04-22T20:43:00.003-05:00

In honor of Earth Day I let Aiko do a little more outdoor exploring than usual. He had fun rolling around on the concrete and eating the grass. He even got a little muddy trudging through the freshly laid potting soil.

It was a beautiful day - I couldn't have asked for better weather. We put the screen door on so the cats can lay inside and catch the breeze on nice days. I even helped a little spider find his way back outdoors instead of steppin' on him like I was at first inclined to do.

Ahh, Happy Earth Day!

The other two kitties had to watch from inside. Kiley isn't allowed outside as she's a dasher and loves to run when I try to catch her. I've had visions of her running into the street and meeting her untimely demise. Therefore, she will forever be an indoor kitty because her mother is kind of mental. I'm not sure if Tristan is to be trusted outdoors yet. He's a little too squirmy for me to feel comfortable trying it. Maybe someday Tristan, maybe some day.

i like to touch

2009-04-21T13:23:00.002-05:00

Last Thursday night my car was broken into. Well, not so much broken into as gotten into, somehow. Just like any other Friday morning I woke up, got ready for work and groggily made my way out to my car. Upon entering it, things felt a little amiss. My glove box was hanging down. My center console was open. My ipod was gone. My first thought was that maybe Bryan had been looking for something. There was something about everything being left open that didn't feel right though. I checked the window. Nope, not broken. Was anything else missing? My North Face jacket was still laying in the backseat. My CD's were still sitting in the center console. Spice Girls, check. Backstreet Boys, check. Bridget's Justice, check.

Don't judge me.

It wasn't until I looked down and saw my satellite radio missing from where it was bolted in that I realized my car had definitely been broken into. I went inside to a still-asleep Bryan and said, "Um," and paused for dramatic effect. "Did you take my ipod and my satellite radio out of my car?"

His answer was a quick "No," and he jumped out of bed and started getting dressed. "What all is missing?"

He might not have been so easy to jump to my break-in theory if it hadn't been for the recent vandalism of car windows in our neighborhood. Just a week before our neighbor had the windows of his Suburban shot out by a pellet gun, and a neighbor up the street had the same thing happen.

Luckily for me no windows were broken in the theft of my lovely ipod, and I hope whoever took it 1) enjoys Lily Allen and 2) has a power cord as they left mine behind and the ipod was nearly dead.

I guess who ever took it also deserves a thank you for leaving undisturbed my North Face jacket which was worth more than either thing they took, and for also not disturbing my, let's say, colorful collection of CD's from the center console.

And on a happy note, I welcomed a new addition to the Palmer Family technologies this morning with the arrival of my new ipod touch. Hooray for constant technological stimulation!

springy pictures

2009-04-19T19:05:00.002-05:00

This weekend I worked a bit on digging up some of the dirt on the side of the house so it's ready for our flowers! I got tired of digging and decided to take a few pictures...

ducks!

2009-04-18T11:34:00.004-05:00

M R ducks. M R not. M R 2. C D E D B D wings?

I came home the other day to find two little BFF duckies asleep in our backyard. Spring is really here! YAY!

success!

2009-04-13T12:43:00.003-05:00

Well, I was able to check a few things off my weekend agenda list.

I found my SD card. In three pieces. Downstairs next to the litter boxes. One guess who's responsible for that. Luckily, B was able to fix it. I'm not sure how I feel using it as I'm unsure if it was ever IN one of the litter boxes.

I watched the movie Changeling. It was surprisingly really good. I am not usually an Angelina Jolie fan but I must say this was one of her best ones. It really made my heart hurt. It got too late to watch The Lucky Ones. I returned it to the video store a day late and unwatched. Kind of a waste, but oh well.

I accomplished step 1 of the planting process. I purchased 3 hydrangea plants, 18 Gladiolus bulbs, and 3 Dahlia bulbs. B was too entrenched in the building of the retaining wall that he never had time to put in the edging where I wanted to plant. I guess planting will have to be next weekends project.

I never made it to the library. That was supposed to be on the agenda for Saturday but we got a little detained at Menards after Bryan overloaded the trailer. We made it up the street from the store with our load that took us (or B, rather) 2 hours to stack like a Tetris game and noticed the tires on the trailer were about to go. We had to pull into a parking lot, B had to walk back to Menards and rent a truck, come back, unload half the materials into the truck, and then I got to drive the truck home while Bryan drove his Jeep and the trailer. Then, so we didn't get charged for another hour (god forbid) B had to race to get everything unloaded from the truck so we could return it on time. How many times did I say the word "truck" in this paragraph? By the time we made it home, the library was closed. Maybe I'll head there on my lunch break one day this week...

I got lots of sleeping in done. I even took a 2 hour nap while Bryan worked on the retaining wall outside on Sunday. Isn't that what Easter is all about? Bunnies, candy, and napping? I'm pretty sure Bryan was unaware of my napping as he worked outside. Mum is the word.

All in all it was a pretty relaxing weekend. We got a lot done on the house. Or, Bryan got a lot done on the house, rather. I got a few more chapters of The Host read and a good nap in.

I pretty much call this weekend a success.

my weekend agenda

2009-04-10T12:40:00.004-05:00

Hooray it's Friday! Another boring work day so I made a list of all the fun things I have to look forward to this weekend:

Find my SD card reader. I don't want to name names (Tristan) but somebody keeps knocking stuff off various tables in our house and bats it around until it is under something where little paws can't reach. I have a few pictures I want to upload from babysitting last night and it's going to be hard to do so until I find my handy little dealy. Silly kitties.

Get a library card. I tried to do this last weekend but was stupid enough to mention finding the library when B was with me. He wasn't too into doing a detailed search as I would've done. This time, I travel alone and I *will* find it.

Read more of The Host. What can I say? I'm a slow reader. The book has been getting better and better the further I get. I hope to at least make it half way through before the weekend is over.

Plant some stuff. The weather is supposed to be beautiful so I think this weekend will be a good time to plant our hydrangeas along the side of the house. Green thumb, what what!

Sleep in. Okay, this one is kind of obvious.

Watch my rented movies. They're due back tonight so I'm not quite sure I'll get through both of them. I have The Lucky Ones and Changeling. I'm kind of eh when it comes to Angelina Jolie so I'll be watching The Lucky Ones first. W00T!

Go for a walk. I'm going to take advantage of the aforementioned beautiful weather and enjoy some of the outdoor scenery. Keep your eyes open for more springtime pictures! If I find my SD card reader, that is.

anti-work mosaic

2009-04-09T14:00:00.003-05:00

Here we go again. I am feeling completely unmotivated today at work. I don't have a ton of work to get through but I do have stuff I could be doing. I just can't bring myself to do it. So, instead of working I'm going to make a pretty mosaic of randomly cool pictures found on Flickr:

bitch, bitch, bitch

2009-04-08T10:00:00.002-05:00

I'm having a crabby day today. The only thing I can think about, thanks to EB, is how badly I want a chocolate cake-donut with sprinkles. It's a little after 10am now and I'm trying hard to hold out for lunch time. I might indulge myself with a cookie from Subway. Who am I kidding with this word "might?" I'm going to get two.

To make things worse, I have two zits in the most inconvenient places. One is right above my eye. It's right on bone and I can't get a good grip to pop it. The other one is on the side of my nose and I'm having the same "grip" problem. The first one is giving me such a migraine. I just want to punch something. I want to go back to bed and call it a day.

This foul mood I'm in is making my work ethic equal to that of a fat kid who doesn't want to get off the couch. I just want to lay around and be lazy and eat chips. Don't judge me. Or do, ya know, whatever.

Okay, ya know what? I've been trying not to turn this into a ranting post but I'm not gonna shove my annoyances away. I'm going to bitch for a minute. If you don't want to read bitching, I suggest you scroll down to where I come back to reality. :)

You know what really grinds my gears? (heh, heh) People who talk just for the sake of hearing themselves talk. I am so tired of listening to people just randomly talk about random crap which I do not care about in the least. It just goes on and on and on and on for mind-numbing minutes and I feel like my eyes are going to explode. Also, quit interrupting me when I interject. The next time I get interrupted while I'm talking I'm just going to talk louder.

Another thing - Facebook is NOT the place for religion to be shoved in my face. I understand you love jesus. I get it. I really do. But does each and every one of your status updates have to remind me? If you have to constantly tell someone how awesome something is, chances are it's not really that awesome.

Okay I think I'm done. For now. I reserve the right to add to this post later. Hopefully the aforementioned cookies from Subway will turn my frown upside down. But it's not lunch time yet, and until then I think I need to go have a visit with the office candy jar.

Ciao.

i'm awake

2009-04-02T08:34:00.002-05:00

I want to do stuff.

There are a lot of things I want to do. I'm not really sure why all of a sudden my interest in achieving things has been sparked. I've spent most of my life up until now not understanding why I wasn't a goal-oriented person.

It ranges from things I want to learn how to do to information that sparks my curiosity and a desire to learn more. I read an article today about how the big red spot on Jupiter is shrinking and I was instantly curious. Now I want to learn more about the planets. I want to know things. I want to understand the world better.

I talked with Bryan about going fishing awhile back. He asked if I would even take the fish off the hook. I told him I'd worm the hook, but I wouldn't take the fish off. I was thinking about this conversation yesterday and thought, "Why won't I take the fish off the hook?" It's so silly. Of course I'll take the fish off the hook! Why wouldn't I? What am I afraid of?

It's so easy to let the convictions of others drive the things we will and will not do. We're looking at new cars and I've always been adamant about getting an automatic transmission. I don't know how to drive manual, but why can't I learn? I realized when I rattled off all my reasons, "hard to drive," "what about in the winter?," that my mom and dad were speaking through me. Why can't I drive a manual? It's cheaper and probably even more fun to drive. So, why not?

It feels like I just woke up and there is not one thing I can put my finger on to explain my new lease on life. I'm a happier person.

I want to do things to help the earth. I want to recycle and use cotton bags when I go shopping. I want to be more conscious of the food I eat and how wasteful we sometimes are. I want to re-use. I want to grow plants. I want to save energy.

It would be easy to put it on the things going on with my dad. To say that I've realized that life is short. But I'm not really sure that's it. Maybe somewhere subconscious it is, but I don't really feel like my energy is drawing from that. Maybe I'm just really starting to turn into an adult. I no longer want to be just a consumer. I want to a producer. A producer of good energy, love, knowledge, and the ability to be good at things.

I want to learn how to play the piano and the guitar. I want to grow some plants for cooking - and be a better cook. I want to learn how to speak Spanish and French. I want to write stories. I want to knit stuff. I want to go to movies and listen to music. I want to take a boxing class. I want to make money to travel around and see my friends. I want to understand the stock market.

I've realized it's easier to place my happiness in some world outside of which I live; to think I'd be happy "if." But, life isn't supposed to be easy. Happiness is here, happiness is now. I am the same person in Madison I would be in St. Louis. I am happy for what I have, for the people in my life, for my surroundings, for the experiences I've had.

They may not be much, but they're mine.

my bookshelf

2009-04-01T13:09:00.005-05:00

I'm still working on The Host by Stephenie Meyer. It's getting really good and I'm excited to put a few more chapters under my belt this evening when I get home from work. Two more hours of the work-day left. In the meantime I've compiled a list of books I want to read. I already own a few of them. I should probably start with those first.

In an effort to waste time, here are a few synopses from my list:

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte - Heathcliff and Cathy believe they’re destined to love each other forever, but when cruelty and snobbery separate them, their untamed emotions literally consume them.

Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer - In April 1992, a young man from a well-to-do family hitchhiked to Alaska and walked alone into the wilderness north of Mt. McKinley. He had given $25,000 in savings to a charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet and invented a life for himself. Four months later, his decomposed body was found by a moose hunter.

Paper Towns by John Green - When Margo Roth Spiegelman beckons Quentin Jacobsen in the middle of the night-dressed like a ninja and plotting an ingenious campaign of revenge-he follows her. Margo's always planned extravagantly, and, until now, she's always planned solo. After a lifetime of loving Margo from afar, things are finally looking up for Q . . . until day breaks and she has vanished. Always an enigma, Margo has now become a mystery. But there are clues. And they're for Q.

Into the Woods by Tana French - A 12-year-old girl is found murdered at an archaeological site at the center of a controversial highway construction project. Katy Devlin was a popular girl who had recently been accepted to the Royal Ballet School; her father is an outspoken opponent of the new roadway. But what haunts Detective Rob Ryan about this case is its location: the quiet town of Knocknaree, Ireland -- in the very woods where he used to play as a child.

Marley & Me by John Grogan - John and Jenny were young and in love, with a perfect little house and not a care in the world. Then they brought home Marley, a wiggly yellow furball of a puppy—and their life would never be the same.

The Reader by Bernhard Schlink - Falling ill on his way home from school, 15-year-old Michael Berg is rescued by Hanna, a woman twice his age. For a time, the two become passionate lovers. Then, one day, Hanna disappears without a word. Years later, as a law student observing a trial in Germany, Michael recognizes his former lover on the stand, accused of a hideous crime. And as he watches Hanna refuse to defend herself against the charges, Michael gradually realizes that she may be guarding a secret more shameful than murder.

Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen - In a garden surrounded by a tall fence, tucked away behind a small, quiet house in an even smaller town, is an apple tree that is rumored to bear a very special sort of fruit. In this luminous debut novel, Sarah Addison Allen tells the story of that enchanted tree, and the extraordinary people who tend it.…

i sit content

2009-03-31T12:43:00.004-05:00

You might want to sit down for this. I want to get a library card. In the past I have had a strong aversion to library books but I am hoping to change my ways. I like to own my books. I think of my bookshelves as a kind of trophy case . Why would I want to give a book back after reading it? This habit has become a bit expensive and asinine and has prevented me from reading things at random. Don't get me wrong though - I still plan on buying all the books I love!

I'm hoping that the library also provides me with a quiet place to write. I just can't write at home. I'm too easily distracted. There are too many things at home that keep me from writing - the cats do something cute, I notice something is being tivo'd, Bryan is farting or talking...

I was thinking about hitting up Starbucks too but there are too many people in this town that head to Starbucks with their laptops. It reminds me of the episode of Family Guy where the guy takes his laptop to Starbucks so people can see him writing. That's what being a writer is all about - making sure people notice you are a writer.

Plus, I've lived here for almost 2 years now. It's about time I have a library card.

I also really want to learn how to play the piano. I have the fingers for it - long and quick. I figure it would be a shame to not at least give it a try. I want to learn the guitar too - nothing fancy, I just want to be able to play with it a bit. I just want the cheap 60$ guitar from Target. I keep trying to convince Bryan this is the logical way to go. Who knows if I'll even want to mess with it much.

I'm starting to realize there are a lot of things I want to do. I'm starting to be more productive and creative and looking out ahead of me. I'm not really sure if it's because I'm getting older or if I am just realizing how short life is. The only thing that has held me back in the past has been myself. It's easy to put things off but it's more fun to do them now and have even more fun stuff to look forward to later!

I had an interesting moment with my niece this weekend. At least I thought it was interesting - she may have thought nothing of it. She was telling me how she couldn't do the whole "Twilight" thing anymore. She had gone to see the movie and the tweens were just too annoying. She was cooler than that. And she is - cooler than that I mean. I get annoyed myself with the overly obsessed teeny-bopper girls but I asked her, "Why can't you just like it just because you like it?" Who cares if other people like it or don't like it. I like it regardless of who else does. I think that's what happiness is all about - like what you like, man. Who cares.

There is a really great Walt Whitman poem that I love which is fitting here.

"I exist as I am, that is enough,
If no other in the world be aware I sit content,
And if each and all be aware I sit content." - Walt Whitman

i'm a liar

2009-03-24T11:58:00.002-05:00

Out the window goes yesterdays goal. I went to Target last night and let my inner 13 year old girl convince me to buy The Host by Stephenie Meyer. I started it last night and have to say it's a bit weird and hard to get into so far. I'm only to chapter 4 but my friend keeps reiterating how wonderful it is so I will go forward into the abyss of Stephenie Meyers alien world hoping to be drawn in soon. I will update as my journey moves forward.

In other news, I am having an ardent love affair with the music of Ray LaMontagne. It's been made even better with the cold and rainy setting the northern weather has provided. I usually tire quickly of slow-moving music but Ray LaMontagne is slowly making me melt. I've been listening to him on Pandora and hope to buy a few things off iTunes soon. Empty and Shelter will for sure be among the first purchased.

Along with Ray LaMontagne on Pandora comes Ryan Adams, Damien Rice, & James Morrison just to name a few. Let's just say i'm loving this station.

All of this rain, music, and reading has me itching to write a story. It's been a long while since i've really delved into something so creative. (I guess I'm not counting knitting.) I typed out a few thoughts I had previously about a girl name Ila but it never went further than what I shared here. Writing has become sort of a fickle process for me. It used to flow out of my fingers so easily but lately has been very strained and forced. I hope to get back to it soon.

There is nothing better than swimming around in a world you only know in your head.

my bookshelf

2009-03-23T15:43:00.004-05:00

On my lunch break today I went to Barnes & Noble in search of a new book for my nightstand. I just finished Promise Not To Tell by Jennifer McMahon last night (a book I borrowed from a friend.) I really enjoyed it. After I finished my search at B&N in defeat - I realized how I clasp onto books after I read them. I always have a hard time starting a new book. I am a true book-putter-offer through and through.

I shouldn't even mention the book my boss gave me over a year ago to read. I really hope he's forgotten because I'll sure look like a putz if I give it back now...

Once I buy a book (and they all have to be bought) sometimes it takes me months to actually pick it up. I understand now why this is. Once I really get into a book I fall in love with the characters. I don't want the story to end. I want to continue on in their lives - as messed up as they sometimes are. It is because of this I have a hard time picking a new book up. No matter how easily that book will draw me in once I start - the previously read story always seeps back into my head and I get bored with my present read.

This was the hardest to deal with after the Twilight series. Each book I picked up after Breaking Dawn was a disappointment due to its lack of Edward Cullen.

Once i delve into a book I almost always fall in love. It's rare when a book doesn't capture my attention. I was a huge bookworm in high school. There wasn't a day that went by when I didn't read in class. I blame this love for all the unread books that sit on my bookshelves. I have a handful of recent purchases and borrows that I still need to read. Paper Towns, The Reader, Wuthering Heights (yes I still have not read Wuthering Heights!) Oh, and I think I have Marley and Me too.

So really, I have no idea what I was doing at B&N this afternoon in search of a new book. I guess I should really start on the ones I already have. This is my new goal - read every unread shelved book before a new book can be purchased.

Anyone know of any good reads I can put on my list?

first signs of spring

2009-03-21T18:20:00.005-05:00

I pretended to be artistic today in the gorgeous 70 degree sun and took some pictures around our yard. It's such an exciting feeling when the first little green buds start peeking through the ground. Berries are starting to return on our tree in the front yard and the cats have been enjoying watching the birds who come to peck at the branches.

Ahhh, spring is finally here.

In other news - Twilight came out today! I was almost certain I'd have to fight a child in order to get a copy but thankfully Best Buy had plenty of DVDs to go around. Bryan is oh so looking forward to watching it with me tonight. He promised!

my role

2009-03-20T09:34:00.004-05:00

Spring is finally here!

With spring comes my newly found friendship with capitalization. I've been thinking about it and have decided to try out capital letters for a change. I reserve the right to revert back to lower case in future posts, however. Consider yourself warned.

Despite the fact that spring is officially upon us - Mr. Palmer forgot to pull my car in the garage last night which meant i had to scrape frost off my windshield before I could drive to work. I'm not sure how I feel about frost on the first day of spring. Mother nature can expect to receive a strongly worded email this afternoon.

In other news, I had a pretty nice conversation with my Mom last night.

Sidenote: I know if I use "Mom" as her name it needs to be capitalized but if I say MY mom should it then be lower case? F-ing grammar.

And we're back. So while I was on the phone with Mary (take that, grammar) she brought up a fight we had about a month ago. It wasn't really a fight so much as it was me flying off the handle and yelling at her. I think I might have blogged about it when it happened. Anyway, she brought it up and asked me to "never get mad at her like that again." She said she felt she was really close to me and it was crushing to her for me to be so mean.

I was kind of taken back by this comment. While I've never felt completely close to my mom (lowercase!) I never considered that she might feel close to me. Maybe subconsciously I do feel close to her and that's why I get so upset about her treating me like a baby.

Sometimes I forget that my mom is going through a lot right now with everything going on my with my dad. She has her own issues but takes such good care of him - sometimes her own well-being gets overlooked. I can't imagine what it must feel like to watch your husband - the man you knew as a young, energetic person slowly deteriorate. I have a hard enough time watching it as a daughter, I can only imagine what goes through her mind.

Out of the three sisters my mom probably talks to me the most about everything going on. I'm not sure why she's chosen me to be her confidant but I'm at least happy she feels she has me to tell. It's hard sometimes though - to try and be strong and listen when she's telling me about cleaning out the house so she doesn't have to do it later "you know, if something happens to your dad." She always adds in, "I could kick the bucket before he does!" But we both know that's probably unlikely. It's scary how easy it is to hold it together while I talk to her. It wasn't until I was off the phone and later on that I let all the scariness flood out of me.

It is scary. And unknown. I feel like we're all being "prepared." My dad calls me now when it's raining to tell me he wishes I was there on the front porch with him. He makes sure to remind me of all the little moments we had when I was younger - sitting on his lap, tucking me in at night - the covers tightly tucked underneath me. We all make sure to come home for major holidays, Fathers Day of course.

We don't really know when our preparation will be no longer necessary. Nothing looks looming or dire at present but we've been told what is coming. It sits in front of us like a slow drip turning into a flood. As a daughter I am still weary of the role I play. There is a part of me which is quietly content with being the confidant and another part which wants to scream, cry and be the baby I sometimes get cast as.

Maybe I can request an understudy.

meet tristan

2009-03-17T12:58:00.011-05:00

well it's official - we have added onto our family. and no, i don't mean children. at least not the human kind. most of you already know - but i'm an excited new mother and i want to gush about my newest little furry child.

last saturday - bryan and i decided to swing through petsmart and check out the kitties the local shelter country animal haven brought in for adoption day. it didn't take us long before our eyes fell upon a little black and white long haired kitty that would cock his head to one side when you looked at him. his shelter-given name was thirstan and we immediately asked if we could hold him.

he is 6 months old and a little bigger than a kitten. young enough to be playful but old enough to come with kitty baggage.

right away he just melted into my arms. he was so squishy and soft and lovey. i made bryan hold him. (i knew once he had this little bugger in his arms he wasn't going to be able to say no!) "it's your decision," bryan said when i asked him what he thought. "of course, i was sold.

it was just a few hours later and we were listening to the pitter-patter of little newly-named tristans feet as he scurried around our house looking for a hiding spot.

i guess i should start with a little background info: tristan was an outdoor kitty as a baby. the people who owned the property he and his litter were roaming on coaxed him onto their front porch where the nice folks from CAH had to catch him with a net. he was at the shelter for awhile and given to a foster family whom we were told could "carry him around like a baby." YAY!

he was very bonded to his sister who had been adopted out a week before we adopted him. CAH told us he would do very well with other kitties to snuggle with. double YAY!

little tristan has been quite scared since we brought him home. he's been hiding in the basement for the past 3 days now. he must feel pretty safe underneath the washing machine because that's where he's chosen to hide. i was starting to get worried after finding him tucked up against a concrete wall behind some broken down boxes on sunday. i felt so bad that the poor little guy was so afraid.

last night was a turning point, though. i was able to coax him out from behind the washing machine with a small can of wet food. every little noise made him jump. i sat next to him and explained all the different sounds. "that's just a motorcycle outside, tristan. and that's just the furnace kicking on." i tried to explain to him how nice we were, how this was his forever home and he wasn't going to be moved around anymore, and how much fun he was going to have with kiley and aiko. he sat next to me - just out of reach, with his head cocked to one side and listened as i jabbered on and on.

later that night when bryan and i got home from dinner i went downstairs to clean the litter box. i didn't find him and figured he was hiding again behind the washer. i said 'hello' towards the general area of the laundry appliances and went upstairs to search out aiko and kileys favorite toy, "rolled up cardboard on a wire" aka the cat dancer.

i barely even made it back to the stairs with the toy when i saw tristan sitting halfway up the basements steps! my heart swelled up and i was incredibly proud of the few steps he had climbed. "good boy tristan!!" i almost yelped. i sat down on the top step and held out the wire. kiley and aiko immediately came over to play. it only took a few minutes before tristan drew some courage and made it up a few more steps to join in the fun. he even took a few bats in the face from big bully aiko and kept playing.

after another pretty hard beating - aiko was put in time out and we continued to play with the wire. bryan got out the laser pointer and had tristan and kiley running all around the basement trying feverishly to catch the little red dot. feeling bad, i let aiko out of his time out so he could come play. it was such a great feeling to have all 3 of our little ones running around the basement together.

better yet - tristan allllllmost made it upstairs. the farthest he felt comfortable going was the top step - but that's progress i'll take! i think he's doing much better already. when bryan and i went home to check on him quickly over our lunch hour today he came out from behind the washing machine to say hello. i bet by the end of the week we'll have him upstairs.

baby steps! baby kitten steps.

my boycott

2009-03-09T09:17:00.003-05:00

after a very event-filled weekend i'm feeling drained and sleepy. it doesn't help that i lost an hour of sleep due to this stinkin' time change. i'll be thankful for it at the end of the day when i get to leave at 4:30 and it feels like 3:30 - there's the upside at least.

we went to animart on saturday to check out their kittens. animart is where we got igby (our short-lived puppy) from and we had heard good things about their cats. i had a friend who took a stray cat there who had lived through some abuse. the story was that animart footed the vet bills for the poor cat and then adopted it out. we had quite a different experience there...

they had several beautiful cats - some a bit younger than others. we're keeping our eyes open for a little boy kitten to join our family and we found a very handsome orange and white tabby named tony. after giving him a good look over we noticed that, unforunately - he was declawed. seeing as how our two kitties at home are still rocking their stickers we thought it best that the next kitty we get also have some built-in defense mechanisms. sorry, tony. we put him back in his cage with a little pat on the head and a "better luck next time."

but wait, the story doesn't end there. bryans sister jillian is also keeping her eyes open for another cat. there was a beautiful siamese mix with bright blue eyes. she was younger and was skin and bones - probably another rescue. jillian got her out of her cage for a bit and noticed she was pretty squirmy. as we stood waiting for the cat-giver to return we noticed one of the cats still in the cage was limping. she wasn't putting any weight on her front paw. we looked around for the stupid kid who had now been gone for over 10 minutes.

as we waited the siamese mix jilly was holding became even more wirey . we needed to get her back in her cage - and fast. i took her from jillian and went up to the cashier to ask for help giving her back. i was immediately greeted with, "what's all over your jacket??" i looked down and noticed i was covered in blood - and not just a little. it was alllllll over my jacket. i'm not talking carrie-style or anything - but there was a significant amount. we located the problem. it was her paw - she had just recently been declawed and she was bleeding pretty badly.

here's my first problem: if she'd just recently been declawed, they shouldn't be giving her out for people to hold. and not just for my clothings sake - she's in enough pain from them ripping the nails out of her joints, she doesn't need to be man-handled too. as i peeled my blood-covered jacket off - i asked, "do you declaw ALL your cats or something?" and sure enough! this so-called "animal-rescue" pet store declaws every cat that comes through! i was really upset. "OH and you might want to check the kitty on the top left - she's limping!" i told the guy, angrily. i then grumbled and groaned about how un-necessary it is to declaw cats. it's ONE thing to declaw a cat as a very last resort if you feel you have to. that's up to the owner - and i still think it's wrong. but it's just horrible for a pet store to be declawing every cat they have.

i wasn't upset about my jacket - that's the chance you take when you hold an unfamiliar animal. you never know what bodily fluid is going to come out of them. i was more upset at the fact that they even let us hold her since she'd just had the surgery. horrible, horrible, horrible. no wonder she was so squirmy.

i will never shop there again. i'm callin' for a boycott!

show and tell

2009-03-03T13:06:00.004-06:00

i just thought i would share a picture my sister sent from guatemala. it sounds like she's having a very fun time and her pictures look beautiful. i would much rather be there than sitting at a desk listening to annoying people around me talk. for now i will live vicariously through her.

*ahh, the sun feels wonderful.*

let's be trees

2009-03-02T12:46:00.001-06:00

well, my sister left for Guatemala yesterday morning. i woke up sunday morning and realized i hadn't talked to her. i was upset at myself for letting it slip my mind and by the time i woke up she was already on a plane. lucky for me tho she called before she boarded her connecting flight. i sure do miss her already! my parents have been uber-annoying about her trip. i understand they worry because they're parents but she's an adult and can make her own choices. my mom in particular kept asking, "what does david think about her going?" to me... like i have an answer to that. then she'd sneak in a "i guess david doesn't mind if she goes," or "poor david will be all alone!" i'm preeeetty sure david is a grown adult who 1) can take care of himself and 2) wouldn't be the type of person to tell her she "can't" go.

so all of this has me asking myself... what kind of relationship is my mom trying to promote? should you not do something you want to do if your significant other doesn't approve? where is the line? while this question doesn't really apply to my sisters situation i know several other people that do abide by what their husband/boyfriend/girlfriend expects of them. i think the line of control gets very blurry when you start thinking like that. who should have control over your life? you or someone else? when does it stop becoming courtesy to think of anothers feelings when making decisions?

all of this makes me wonder if this might be the reason why the divorce right is so high. back in the days when my parents were married i think it was more common for people to settle in and forget dreams they might have held as a single young adult - especially women. i don't necessarily think this means their lives were completely "controlled" but it seems like people in my parents age bracket are more considerate of the feelings of their spouse than the younger generations are. i haven't quite decided if this is a bad thing or a good thing.

i want my children to be full functioning adults before committing to a long-term relationship. maybe that's the problem - people get married before they're two separate full-bloomed trees, both with roots planted firmly into the ground. is that the difference? maybe if two people can function on their own then in turn they'll respect the other persons ability to do so.

i guess what i'm not saying is that people shouldn't still be considerate of anothers feelings. it's important to be respectful of ideals people hold closely. we get this one life - why would stifle things which make us whole because another person doesn't hold them in the same regard? we all want different things and as long as we respect that we might not want the same things as another and not stand in the path another wants to travel just because we chose the other way... we would all be living the good life.

back, back, forth and forth

2009-02-26T12:43:00.001-06:00

it's raining, it's raining! sure, its a cold winter rain - but i'll take that over a cold winter blizzard any day! it's interesting how people hate the rain. i've been watching some of my coworkers run in from lunch and each one of them has blubbered some variation of "what a gross day" it is outside. i love grey, rainy days - but to each their own.

changing topics - i'm trying to be more conscious of what i eat. food has a pretty big hold on me, so it's been harder than it sounds . i mostly plan my day out around my meals. once i eat - i start thinking about the next thing i'm going to eat. man, i love food. i need to work harder on keeping my future self in mind. when i see a big piece of chocolate cake i don't think twice because i'm more interested in having immediate satisfaction. then of course, after i eat it i feel horrible and gross and bloated and regrettful. i need to be more mindful of pleasing my future self rather than the immediate me who loves to indulge in bad, bad habits. so that being said, i'm trying.

i think this goal will be easier met if i find things other than food that give me satisfaction. knitting has been one thing that has helped me focus. another thing that has sparked my curiosity is volunteering with hospice. i learned about it through a friend bryan works with - and it sounds like something that could be very rewarding. i've been inching forward and backward on it however. i'm just a bit worried that it will be too much for my psyche to handle. i guess we'll see what happens.

i'm sitting at the front desk covering julies lunch listening to the rain pound down on the asphalt outside. it comes down hard for a few minutes and then lightens and repeats. it's really soothing. i could definitely go for a nap right now. hmm... and maybe some hot chocolate. don't judge me.

cognizance

2009-02-24T09:38:00.001-06:00

the geese are back. this is a good sign. i am trying to push away thoughts of reading on the back porch, barbecues, and jeep rides with the top down as it's only making me more frustrated when i hear we're getting another conglomeration of snowfall this week. a girl can only take so much. summer in madison is much more tolerable but i guess i still don't quite understand what the fuss is about. i keep hearing about how great madison is - there are more and more people i know moving here. is it wrong for me to want to move away so bad? the thought of having kids here makes my mind race. i feel like if we still live here when we have school-aged kids then we're stuck and i feel like by doing that i lose a part of myself. i guess when i think about having kids i want them to have some of the same experiences i did. i want them to know what a thunderstorm that builds from humid air feels like. i want the lights to go out. it's funny how as i am writing this i'm realizing that thunderstorms are a huge part of what i miss. bring my closest friends and family to madison, add in the humidity and the tornadic weather and i'd be set.

i think this stems from a connection i hold with my dad. and i think i'm holding onto these storms just as i hold on to him. wow, epiphany. i guess subconsciously i feel that by losing this experience i also lose a part of him. talk about a realization.

one of my favorite things about my dad, which i know i've mentioned before, are the times we used to sit on the front porch as a storm rolled in. the rain would pour off of the roof, coming down faster than than the gutters could keep up with. lightning would light up the street and thunder would shake the glass on the front door and still we sat, rocking back and forth on the porch bench - just he and i.

madison does get the occasional thunderstorm - but they just don't compare to what you get in st. louis.. when i was younger i wanted nothing more than to move away. and while i know that moving away from your comfort zone helps you grow, i do envy those people who live where they grew up., who have friends they've known since grade-school and see them everyday. i miss my closest friends. what i wouldn't give to be closer to them.

the bright side to all of this is how much more this distance makes me appreciate these things i don't get to experience every day. when i do make it to st. louis and that thunderstorm rolls in - my feelings swell up much more than they would if it happened every day. the time i get to spend with jenny and sean holds even more value because i know that in a matter of days we will all go our separate ways again. i am humbled by the thought of each of these people as a part of myself. while physically we go different directions, we are all tied together by the same geological location. we are all different branches of one tree - and that will always be something we can hold onto. jenny, sean, erin, dennis, bridget, kate, jen, emily, joe, mom, dad - these are all people who hold a sliver of myself as i knew her before madison and after. i guess i realize that even though my location my change - i am still the same person and will be the same person no matter where i go.

stupid banana

2009-02-18T14:55:00.001-06:00

it was midnight. or 2 am, i'm not quite sure. i was three quarters of the way asleep when *bam!* the perfect idea for my story hit me. i rolled it back and forth in my head like i was kneading dough. i thought, "do i get up and write this idea down?" i laid there awhile longer. i knew i was going to forget but did i get up and write the darn idea down? no. no i did not. and do i remember it now? no. no i do not.

i have been sifting through folders of memories in my head, hoping to be reunited with this flash of brilliance that only ever comes in the middle of a good sleep. what bothers me even more is that no matter how deep i sift the only thing i keep hearing in my head is "they call me, nanerpuss, nanerpuss" from that damn dennys commercial with the banana cut as an octopus sitting on top of a stack of pancakes. this is incredibly frustrating.

this isn't the first time this has happened either. i tend to get good ideas right as i'm falling asleep and i always do the same thing. "oh i'll remember, definitely. this is too good to forget! no need to get up and write it down..." i've learned from this mistake this time tho and i've set myself up with a small notebook - pen attached! it will accompany me and await my brilliant ideas! it already has a few little scribbles on the first page! and now i play the waiting game...

the beginning

2009-02-17T14:47:00.001-06:00

i keep wanting to write a new post but i have nothing new and/or interesting to divulge. so instead, i'll make up a story.

it was a warm thursday afternoon in sunny southern missouri. ila brushed the sweaty brunette bangs from her forehead and fumbled for the window button of her 1997 chevy cavalier. it was stuck again. letting a few curse words slip she wiggled the button up and down three times until the window started slowly rolling down. letting her hand ride free outside the window, she sank back into her seat and let the wind pull her palm back and forth.

um... so far this is all i have. i'm not sure who ila is but i'm going to work on finding out. also, i don't know where she's going yet either. i guess that's something i have to think on. it's been awhile since i've written anything and this just kind of rolled off the top of my head. it feels good to make stuff up. =) oh, and also - i'm not really sure if the 97 cavaliers even had power windows. minor detail.

crisis averted

2009-02-16T15:15:00.000-06:00

well, my mom deleted her facebook account. instead of jumping up and down like a fat kid who just got a free piece of cake - i'm feeling a little guilty. i was really quick to judge her for joining. my conscience has been getting the better of me the past few days and i've been trying to put myself in her shoes. all she's trying to do is be in with the cool kids. she hears us talking about facebook all the time. "facebook this," and "facebook that." should i really be upset with her for being curious?

my big concern was the fact that she can't even work her darn cell phone. i really don't want her constantly coming to me with questions about facebook too. now that she deleted her account though, i find myself wanting to teach her how to do certain things. i mean, would it really be that bad? if i put her on limited profile it might even be convenient for her to stay updated.

these thoughts are all well and good but i realize i'll be kicking myself for it later if i help her re-create an account. it always happens this way. i start to treat her like maybe things *will* be different this time. then, she'll call me with her teasing voice saying, "i saw your facebook status. what's that supposed to mean?" and i'll remember all over again why i got so upset when i saw the friend request from her in the first place.

oh me, oh my. now if only i could get my conscience to take a hike.

somebody get me a pillow

2009-02-15T19:37:00.000-06:00

that's it. i am going to smother him.

bryan is sick.

i am trying to really hard to be a good wife and take care of him. but if i have to pick up one more dirty kleenex i think i might just snap.

not only that - but the poor kid can't stick to ONE area of the house. all morning he camped out in his chair by the window, then when i came home he was laying on the couch. MY couch - by my knitting, using my blanket, coughing on my pillow. ERGH! i'm not the most patient person but when someone is sick i try to keep my thoughts to myself. i started to ask him a bit ago if he wouldn't mind sticking to ONE chair but as he started into a fit of coughing i bit my tongue. now, i'm hiding in the bedroom because i feel like it's the only safe zone in the house. i'm not a germ-a-phobe but the thought of sitting in the same exact spot as someone blowing their nose like the nile is running out of it kind of grosses me out.

i've been downing airborne like crazy but as a sore throat lingers i know eventually i'm going to have to succumb to the idea of getting sick. i just hope it happens during a weekday so i can miss a day of work! ...just don't tell my boss.

two steps forward, one step back

2009-02-14T20:02:00.000-06:00

i thought i would post another photo of the infamous rosebush. after almost all the snow melted, bryan got home from london friday night and brought 3 inches of fresh snow with him. i'm three inches closer to moving somewhere warm!

also, as you can probably tell from the above photo - i've been having lots of fun with photo-editing. i got this website called picnik from my niece emily who always has some really cute edited photos on her facebook page. in fact - maybe i can airbrush some more snow into the picture and then i'd be sunbathing in the south in no time! hmm... all the possibilities. i guess that plan hinges on the hope that bryan never goes outside.... damn.

a little promo

2009-02-13T13:15:00.000-06:00

check out my sisters etsy page! she makes some super cute felted cozies. i use this one for my cell phone but it also fits my classic 20g ipod. the colors are really fun and i've gotten tons of compliments on it already.

here's the link!

life lesson from knitting #2

2009-02-13T12:36:00.000-06:00

never assume - always check the dye lot.

i got to the point in my hooded baby blanket last night where i needed to add in a new skein of yarn. i didn't notice until i got about 2 inches in that it was a lighter shade than the first skein i had knit with. my first thought was an incoherent "aaAARrggG!" first i thought about pulling it out. then i thought "eff it, maybe i'll just quit all together," but then as i sat and looked at the perfect line of light violet i realized - life isn't perfect and neither is this stupid blanket. so what if the colors don't perfectly match? i've worked hard on it and i'm not going to quit now. in fact, maybe it'll even look like i did it on purpose! (just humor me.)

when i bought the yarn at joann fabrics - i just assumed that since i was grabbing yarn out of the same bin that it would be from the same dye lot. well i learned my lesson there. i keep all the tags from my yarn so i went back through them last night and sure enough... they are completely different dye lot numbers. cuuuurse youuu joannnn fabricssss!

i'm the type of person that has to learn things the hard way. even though i read the chapter in stitch n bitch about buying yarn and how you should always double check the dye lot - did i listen? of course not. it takes an experience of buying the wrong yarn for the point to really be driven home.

i realize that this little lesson shows itself in my daily life too. along with being a procrastinator i also like to do things the quick and easy way. i wanted to run into joanns, grab my yarn and get the heck home. checking the dye lot would've required too much effort on my part. i just expect people to do their job and to not put different dye lots in the same bin! this is something i need to be aware of. i need to be more thorough and productive. i need to take heed of what people tell me to avoid future bumps in the road. and more importantly, i need to be responsible for myself. i shouldn't always go by what is expected that someone else do.

in the end, i'm actually glad i made the mistake. it has taught me that nothing in life is perfect. oh yeah, and always check the dye lot.

that's it, the world is ending

2009-02-11T13:43:00.001-06:00

my. mom. joined. facebook.

i don't think anything more about that sentence needs to be explained. i'm just going to say this; facebook was WAY cooler when you needed a college ID to make an account. thank god for the limited profile option, that's all i gotta say. so i called my mom last night to say, "i cannot BELIEVE you joined facebook" (which in retrospect really hurt my cause more than if i'd just stayed silent). well she of course did her horrible cackle laugh where you can't get a word in edge-wise because of how "silly" i was being that i would be upset and blah blah blah. well all the bullshit i'd taken from her over the weekend came to surface and i blew up.

i think one of two things happen when you have children. 1) you either turn into your own parents and start reverting to the way they raised you or 2) you learn from the things you disliked about your parents and try to change them with your own kids.

i hope to be the second type of parent. don't get me wrong - i love my parents. i've mentioned before how i wish my relationship with my mom was better. i don't have much to complain about compared to other people but i've still learned quite a few things i'd like to do differently when i have my own family.

i don't think being a mom gives you a license to treat your children like they "don't understand." i'm sorry but i am so sick and tired of hearing, "you'll understand someday when you have children!" i think that's the biggest bullshit line i've heard in my lifetime. granted, with my neice and nephews i've found myself thinking things like "ohh you'll understand when you're older," but i realize that keeping these thoughts to myself do more good than harm. sure, the elder generation has had experiences that might make them see things differently but that does not mean that in the present moment what your children are feeling is wrong.

also, i get treated differently because i am the youngest. even though i'm 25 years old, i'm married, have a house, a good job, a college degree - i still get treated like i'm the dumbest in the family. "oh baby laura just doesn't get it."

i want to have my own life outside of my kids. i think that's another reason why my parents struggle so much with control over our lives - they don't have their own. at some point you have to let go and hope that you raised a smart human being. as a parent you have to realize that your children grow up to be their own person and you can't think that just because they don't like strawberries in their friggin' jello that they "just don't know what's good."

i hope to keep all these thoughts in my back pocket. i want my kids to know about how i felt when i was younger so when they start feeling the same way they can come to me with their grievances and i can listen and acknowledge that what they're feeling is legitimate and warranted.

ugh, i guess i've ranted enough for one blog post. in the meantime i guess i'll accept this stupid friend request from my mom and bite my tongue for the moment. after all, just because i accept the request doesn't mean i have to teach her how to use it. and that's something i refuse to do.

my charlie brown rosebush

2009-02-10T18:37:00.000-06:00

i thought i would post a picture i took this afternoon of the rosebush i talked about in the last post... you can see the whole plant so i guess i'm still going to live in wisconsin for the time being!

the big melt

2009-02-10T12:40:00.001-06:00

i can see grass! i can see grass! the weather is absolutely beautiful here today. it's an amazing 52* out and i was actually able to drive around on my lunch break with my sunroof open. it's enough to put me in a very good mood! all the snow is slowly melting away to brown muddy grass - but at least it's grass! i woke up this morning and the first thing i did was peek out our bedroom window the check the rosebush.

bryan and i have a rosebush awkwardly placed near the middle of the backyard and i gauge whether or not we're going to continue to live in madison based on if we can see the rosebush. i compromised that if we could still see the rosebush throughout winter - we wouldn't have to move. but, as soon as that rosebush is fully submerged in snow to the point it's completely hidden we are SO out of here! getting him to agree to my compromise is a whole other story. still, i stick by my rosebush.

with such beautiful weather i wish i was a more outdoorsy person. with my bum knee and lack of enthusiasm however, i make for a poor outdoor-activity sport. i guess pulling a chair outside into the sun to sit and read still counts, right? i could probably even take my knitting out! i'll have to remember that this summer as it's still too cold to be really enjoyable right now. we have a nice patio deck in the back that bryans parents bought us last year and it sits right beneath a big tree that provides lots of shade. i really look forward to taking advantage of madisons beautiful summer weather this year. i'm starting to appreciate it more now that i've had two very cold winters that seem to last forever here.

i do a lot of grumbling throughout the winter but the truth is - madison is a beautiful place to live once summer hits. it never gets incredibly hot or humid, which i'll admit is one thing i'd change about st. louis. the one thing the humidity of st. louis provides however are some massively cool thunderstorms. and boy do i love thunderstorms. so nevermind, i guess i really would choose the thunderstorms and humidity over the mild summers of madison.

the up side of the terribly cold winters though is a greater appreciation for warmer weather when you get it. when we have a beautifully warm day i always say to myself "man, i wish everyday was like this..." truthfully, if every day had the same warm weather it would be more likely that i wouldn't take advantage of it as often. i guess you have to have a freeze-out in order to appreciate what you get in the summer.

summer always makes me think of my dad. bbq'ing in the backyard, waiting on him to get home from working on the river... he used to stop at the A&W rootbeer place and bring home 2 cold jugs full of fresh rootbeer. we'd sit on the black wire patio furniture in the backyard and sip on the rootbeer while we waited for the burgers to finish cooking on the grill. when it got darker outside i can remember running around in the yard catching lightning bugs. when i think about all the really good memories i have of being young it really makes me want to have kids... lol. i look forward to when i can pass some of the same feelings on to a new generation. someday!

here i am!

2009-02-09T12:45:00.000-06:00

it took 25 years but i think i am really starting to develop a more creative side to myself. it's a very fulfilling feeling and it's making me feel more like a full person. i had been feeling so scattered and disconnected over the summer. it sounds cliche' but i felt myself slipping into a kind of downward spiral. instead of being thankful and happy with where i am in my life i was second-guessing everything. i was feeling without purpose. it sounds silly but when i started knitting it really gave me something to focus on and throw my energy at.

lately it seems without really trying i have been slowly chiseling away all the crap to define who i am and who i want to be. it's odd tho - i feel like i've been spending my whole life without really knowing.

i am a homebody. i am creative. i like to snuggle with my kitties and watch old episodes of the x-files. i like to play with my friends on the internet. i am humble. i love my friends like they are my family. i like cooking but only when it's for more than just bryan and myself. someday, i want to teach 4th grade. i love to knit. i am laid back. i am good at computer stuff. i'm a decent scrap-booker. i love the gap. i want to be a young parent but am not ready to have kids yet. i am learning to be complete. i want to learn the guitar and speak spanish. i don't like to set deadlines on goals for myself. i have learned i am not a dog-owner. i am kind. i enjoy being lazy. i am easily irritated. i value my alone time. i've found myself saying "i could just make it" while looking at things i want to buy. i love to sleep. i don't read as much as i'd like to.

so far i think i've got a pretty good list going. it makes me smile to think there will always been more to add as my sense of self grows.

mind over matter

2009-02-05T09:36:00.000-06:00

well, the birthday video for my dad is done. both hats? check. seans memory book? almost. i'm feeling a bit of the weight lifted off my shoulders. granted, it was weight i placed there myself but still - it was starting to get pretty heavy. the hardest part now is getting the video burned to dvd via bryans computer before i leave tomorrow morning. i was hoping to get it uploaded to youtube as well but it's taking a bit longer than i had anticipated. as soon as i do though - i'll post it here.

the hats both turned out really well. you can check them out on wektog if you feel so obliged. it was slow startin' as i messed up quite a few times. the first completed hat using the beaufort pattern can be filed under charlie brown. now that i have it down though i can knock one of those puppies out in a day if i really try. i'm going to make jenny one in kelly green and then one for myself in a light blue cotton. first thing's first though - the baby blanket. erin already pwned me so there's no point in rushing but i'd really like to complete it soon.

oh! and in other exciting news i finally got my invite to ravelry. i've found some really cute patterns and am really excited about uppin' my knittin' game! i was hoping to hit the meyer house in st. louis while i'm there this weekend but after our money-draining trip the the dentist i might have to hold off on buying new yarn for awhile. i have enough to last me a few more projects but i was really excited about picking up some malabrigo yarn for a few projects.

in other news - i've been fighting off the awful cold that's been making the rounds around ... everywhere, it seems. i feel like i'm surrounded by germs. sitting at my desk i can hear sniffles, coughs, and sneezes every few seconds. i've been downing airborne like i'm a fat kid eating cake and so far it's been working. i feel it coming on every once in awhile, convince myself i'm not getting sick, take some airborne and before i know it i'm feeling a bit better. i'm sure i won't be able to hold it off for much longer but as long as i can get through the weekend i'll be happy to let it take over then. missing a few days work, laying in bed watching x-files doesn't sound like a bad way to spend the beginning of the week, but we'll see. if i can - i'll kick this colds butt out the door! in my mind i keep chanting "mind over matter, mind over matter..." let's just see how well this holds true.

life lesson from knitting #1

2009-01-28T09:15:00.000-06:00

it would be sooo nice if i could finish one project without goofing it up. if you head over to the knittin' blog you'll see that my hat didn't turn out as well as i had hoped. i was beyond frustrated last night. punching somebody would've made for a nice release but bryan didn't look like he was going to volunteer to be the punchee and i'm against violence towards cats. but today is a new day and there will always be new projects to start on. i had my mini-meltdown-whoa-is-me moment last night and now i have to push those feelings to the side and bring a fresh set of eyes to the next knit.

in the end though, i realize that everybody messes a few things up. in my case, some more than others. if i didn't mess up i wouldn't have errors to learn from. i have to keep plugging along and remember that it will get better and easier. i guess the logical deduction to make here is that i should apply these little lessons to the bigger picture. there are always going to be bumps in the road, little mess-ups and things that work better the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time around. i'm thankful i have the mind to recognize this and pick myself back up to start over.

all you need is love

2009-01-26T20:39:00.000-06:00

my sister sent me a link last week about etsy.com working with citymeals-on-wheels to deliver homemade valentines day cards along with a meal on valentines day to mostly home-bound elderly folks this year. it feels good to do something for someone else - even if it's a small gesture. you can find the information on the program by clicking here. the above cards are the few i just finished making. i was feeling pretty good about myself until i checked out some of the other cards users made. mine might fail in comparison but i guess the thought still counts.

on another note - one of these days i need to organize all my crafty stuff. gah, it's a mess. my things are slowly taking over the office closet. pretty soon we're going to have to think about expanding! maybe i'll even get my own room. *closes eyes and wishes*

please note the mess. =) anyone know a good maid?

add it to the list!

2009-01-23T11:29:00.000-06:00

i have a plethora of projects to keep me occupied. right now my list includes: an imovie for my dads birthday, a scrapbook for seany, a baby blanket which erin is pwning me at, and two hats - one for my sister and one for my niece. thankfully, hats do not take all that long and they need to be finished before my st. louis visit at the beginning of february. pictured on the right is a demo of the hat i'm working on. hopefully mine will rock even more than this one!

in summation - hooray for projects!

woot!

a thank you

2009-01-22T15:52:00.000-06:00

three words: soy milk latte.

a very kind thank you goes out to my very own starbucks employee for keeping me in the know on many very delicious drinks which in turn make my days much more pleasant! my tummy thanks you. however, my wallet does not. i am going to need to think about filling out a job application at starbucks in order for my newly developed obsession to continue. that or find a rich husband to replace the penny pincher one i own now. =)

on another note - changing topics, i have to put down my knittin' for a little bit while i work on the video for my dads birthday. i just started it last night and i'm really excited about how it's turning out. imovie is ridiculously easy to use. i was concerned about being able to work on it again tonight because i had to take tashi my laptop into the macstore to get a new airport card. thanks to the geniuses that work there though it's ready for pick up already! bless their little apple shaped hearts. i guess erin really is going to pwn me afterall.

the blanket is about 8 inches now. i'm not really in a big hurry with it due to the fact that i have no baby to put it in (that's for you banda.) in between working on my dads video i am also getting ready to start on another hat for my sister. i found a cute pattern online and will post pictures when it's done!

woot for projects!

my career

2009-01-20T16:04:00.001-06:00

ya know, i'm happy being careerless. bryan and i were at noodles the other day and he was constantly getting little pings on his cellphone letting him know he had a message. the messages, of course, were all from work. he shoveled food into his mouth as he flipped through each one. between mouthfulls of his wisconsin-style mac and cheese he would explain this and that to me about new products, promotions, travel schedules, etc. he was perfectly happy perusing his inbox in the midst of our lunch. it was at this moment when it dawned on me - he has a career.

i, however, have a job - and i am perfectly happy with that. i don't struggle to "get ahead." i don't check my work email after 5pm (4:30 if i'm lucky to sneak out early). i don't really care about much as long as my paycheck shows up on time and in full.

that's not to say i don't work while i'm at work. i have to do my job in order to get paid. if i don't send out the invoices the money doesn't come in and trickle down to little old me. i guess my point is - i would probably be perfectly happy doing a different job somewhere else as well. i work for a good company and have a lot of leeway regarding what i can and can't get away with and i like it here - but i'm not looking to move up anywhere here... i'm just happy doing my own thing, listening to pandora and minding my own business.

someday i'm going to be rich and not have to work, so what's the point in trying to hard now, anyway?

little bit of this, little bit of that

2009-01-15T12:36:00.000-06:00

it. is. frigid. i'm still trying to figure out how i managed to get out the door this morning without thinking "wow, you should really put on long sleeves." that's right folks, it is 35 below zero w/ windchill and i wore short sleeves. in my defense it *is* a cardigan i'm wearing over another shirt. the cardigan just happens to stop a good two inches before my elbow. bah. i failed to remember how cold it is in the office. bah bah bah.

changing topics, however - i must blurb about american idol. i didn't really get into the show until last year, but i pride myself on the fact that i didn't miss a single show last season. tivo helped me achieve this. i was a little worried after the first airing of auditions this season because no one stood out, but after last night i almost have too many people i like! i'll be happy when they narrow it down to 24 so i can pick a favorite. last year - my favorite turned into a bit of an obsession with the release of all the songs they did on itunes. thankfully david cook won last year and i now have a full CD of studio-mastered hits to drool over. my affection for the show only increases due to the fact that most of my friends watch it as well. there's nothing better than gossiping over who sucked and who rocked the next day!

i had a thought last night while watching, which i'm sure isn't the first time i've thought it - however for some reason this time it really nagged at me. this show really brings out the bottom of the gene pool. i realize that some people suck intentionally, and some people dont' suck as bad as they make them out to suck, but some people really are *that* crazy/gross/horrible. you just have to think "wow, your parents must've had some messed up DNA to pop someone like you out!" oy vey...

oh, and one last topic. i'd like to bring up how as i get older my OCD is really starting to surface. today i had to go back through our wektog blog and capitalize my entry so it would match jennys entry. (as you've noticed i'm usually anti-capitalization.) and so what does jenny do? on her next post she puts the title in all lower case letters! ACK! what do i do, what do i do?!

this one's for you, consistency!

2009-01-14T13:16:00.000-06:00

productivity is the name of the game! i've gotten a lot accomplished today - unfortunately none of it has been work related. i just recently changed my email addy to my ibduffy handle (truck driver pun intended) and since you can't change the associated email address to your blogger account i decided to switch my webid to correspond to this new gmail address. whatever, it doesn't matter. all that matters is if you're reading this right now, then you've figured it out.

i don't have OCD or anything, but i do like my internetty stuff to be consistent. i've been using the ibduffy name on a lot of other stuff lately so for the sake of continuity - here i am!

so here again i sit, on company time (i'm banking on the fact that no one really reads this) type type typing away on this thing. today has been a little better but it's still slower than molasses 'round these parts. i don't want to send the wrong message - i *do* do work at work. it's just, lately, it's been boring with a capital B. the little work i do have i whiz through and then sit drumming my fingers aimlessly on my desk. with all the layoffs of people at other companies, though, i need to count my blessings that i do have a job right now. let's just cross our fingers that time speeds up. 3 more hours to go...

the current

2009-01-13T09:15:00.000-06:00

current clothing: the usual jewelry, uggs, jeans, white long sleeve shirt under a blue striped short sleeve t & knee socks coz its cold.

current mood: bored to the point of going to thesaurus.com to look up another word for bored - blase'.

current taste: sippin' on black coffee wishing it would turn into a cinnamon dolce latte, size tall, no whip, extra foam and don't forget the powder.

current hair: pulled back into a low ponytail & sprayed with aussies scrunch spray. effort was not in the cards this morning.

current annoyance: it appears today is going to be just as long as yesterday. and cold, let's not forget cold.

current smell: the aroma of the coffee which presently sits right in front of me is slowing finding its way up to my nose.

current thing you ought to be doing: if i were a go-getter i could go to my boss and as for more work today. that's a big IF though.

current jewelry: wedding/engagement ring on the left hand and my metal ring from EVV on my right middle finger. also, my silpada circle necklace.

current book: i'm thumbing through my stitchnbitch book while i procrastinate the start of the reader. one of these nights i'll choose reading over knitting. i swear.

current refreshment: bottom of the carafe coffee. blech.

current worry: that the internet at work might suddenly and w/o reason go out. i might have a panic attack if that happens.

current crush: why, edward cullen of course!

current longing: it's a toss up between that cinnamon dolce latte and the chicken & stuffing leftovers in the breakroom at work. how i long for lunch time.

current music: the secondhand serenade channel on pandora which is currently playing let it roll by secondhand serenade.

current wish: i dream of being at home, snuggled under a blanket, the kitties lying on my feet with the x-files playing on the tv and my knitting needles in my hands. i, of course, also have my macbook propped open on the coffee table next to me while i chat w/ my friends in between stitches.

current lyric in your head: i'm just humming along to pandora as it switches songs.

current makeup: just the usual, a splash of foundation here, a little blush there. nothing too extravagant. NET was my only intended destination today anyway. no one to impress here!

current undergarments: my light purple hanky pankys and a cream VS bra. woot.

current regret: bird-bathing it up instead of the full on shower this morning. i feel gross and sneezy.

current desktop picture: cellys! from EB and KL!

current plans for tonight/weekend: tonight - the american idol premiere, knitting, and dinner. weekend - TBD.

current cuss word du jour: "ahhh crap" said wisconsin-style. think bobbys world.

current disappointment: that i didn't stop at starbucks on my way in this morning.

current amusement: the giant man next to me on the phone telling one of our customers how he's "a listener."

current IM/person you're talking to: banda on googletalk.

current love: technology that bridges the distance.

current obsession: knitting.

current thing or things on your wall: in my cube - just the usual pictures/cards from friends/last years calendar still set on december. i'm living in the past.

current favorite book: eclipse. i will not be judged.

current favorite movie: the thing called love will always be my favorite. i did, however, just watch into the wild last night and have a small obsession now.

a tip of the hatty to ya...

2009-01-12T08:32:00.000-06:00

hats. are. stressful.

once i switched to the double pointed needles it was a bit of a thoroughfare to complete the top but i am proud to say i overcame my fears and voila - a la hatty!

my project list

2009-01-09T12:57:00.000-06:00

lets do this in order...

first things first
the video collage for my dads birthday. i have two video jokes from my family so far and i have yet to really delve into imovie. hopefully it's easy-peasy coz i have to have the video complete by the weekend of february 7th! i'll upload it here when it's done!

ugh and...
i need to finish up the scrapbook i'm making for seany. it's a memory book from the trip he and my dad took down the mississippi river.

presently
i'm of course, working on my hatty. this is a small project however and will be done in the next day or so. i'm getting a little nervous about decreasing and finishing the top off. oh the pressure!

next
i'm going to attempt a baby blanket. it shouldn't be too hard as it's just a simple stockinette stitch. it has a hood though which will be interesting. here's a picture!

and then...
i need to try my hand at cabling! insert cabled scarfy!

all the while:
i'm working on a simple ribbed scarf like the first (technically 2nd) one i made a few posts ago. this time i followed the pattern and it's wide enough to not warrant the name "charlie brown" scarf. i like to have one easy project to work on for when the harder projects weigh on my mind. sometimes its nice to work on something you're good at.

dun dun dun...
my goal is to make the mittens that bella wore in twilight. they're so super cute but they also look really complicated. i found a pattern online but i'm definitely not skilled enough to attempt them quite yet. i have to master cabling first.

addendum
i found this on etsy.com - doesn't look too complicated! add it to the list!

me, shovel?

2009-01-09T09:47:00.000-06:00

i woke up to about an inch of snow this morning with more falling every minute i wasted lying in bed trying to not think of the snow. al roker didn't help with his constant reminders of snow across the plains. it was inescapable. unfortunately we didn't get enough downfall in the morning to justify an absence from work. i groggily made my way to the window in the kitchen to make one last judgment call. nope, not enough. i had to come into work. i refused to shovel though. the snow blower still intimidates me and i prefer to leave the snow removal to the male gender. i'm too dainty to shovel. i grumbled to aiko, "your dad wants to live in wisconsin - HE can shovel." unfortunately though he's out of town until late tonight. it's okay though - the snow will still be there when he returns. driving into work was fun. or not fun, depending on who's making the statement. my little eclipse mitzy didn't appreciate my making her trudge up the big hill on the way to the beltline. she gave me a few whines but got me here safely.

i am quite the busy bee this month. i have several projects ahead of me and it feels good to be busy. i'm feeling a bit more connected with myself which is relaxing. there are only a handful of things that could make this life better - living down south where there is no such thing as snow, and living in the same town as all the people i love. that is the only aspect where i sometimes feel disjointed. i am thankful for the internet though - it makes the distance seem shorter and helps keep us bound together. i am very lucky that my three closest friends are always a fingertip away.

take two!

2009-01-07T21:56:00.000-06:00

well this is turning out WAY better than the first. practice makes perfect. needle size makes a huge difference. my stitches are much tighter and more secure. i'm finished with chunk one - the seed stitch and now i'm onto the fake stockinette stitch for the bulk of the hatty! wish me luck!

size matters

2009-01-06T08:44:00.000-06:00

the problem has been identified. i need to re-read the chapter on how to read a pattern. that and needle size. using a size 10.5 circular needle on a pattern that calls for a size 7 results in a hat for giants. oh and also, apparently when a pattern calls for a stockinette stitch and you're working with circular needles all you need to do it knit a regular stitch! funny how the book failed to mention that. i think it's a conspiracy. thank the lawd i have mrs. banda to identify my short-comings. i vow that hat #2 will be a success!

well, it will be a success if i can find needles which are the correct size. i made a trip to michaels on my lunch break and it looks like the knitting section was ransacked by thieving grandmas. there were absolutely no size 7 8 or 9 circular needles. i'll have to make a second attempt at joanns on my way home. banda came to the rescue again and even sent me a 40% off coupon! woot!

on another note - i'm officially signing up for the gym tonight. a new golds gym opened up right by my house for $20/mo. it doesn't get any better than that! i'm looking forward to tracking my progress on the wii fit. my goal is to fit back into my khaki banana republic cargo pants. i've been saving them for a time such as this!

yay fitness and knitting!

RIP ye hatty

2009-01-05T21:12:00.000-06:00

okay sometimes you just have to know when to say enoughs enough. i've effed this hat up too far beyond repair. let's just say it has served its purpose well as a practice hat! bah!

and then there was none...

in two parts

2009-01-05T11:28:00.000-06:00

part 1
call me ancient. knitting is fun! the work week just started back up and my mind is wandering back to all the knits and purls that await me at home. i am working on a hat now and i can't wait to finish it. banda informed me last night that i'm doing the stockinette stitch wrong but i'm too far into the hat to stop and start over now. it will turn out fine... technically i've made my own pattern. woot! this is my practice hat anyhow, so it really doesn't matter. the next hat i'll make (correctly following the pattern) will be super cute! i can't wait to use the pretty yarn i bought at the meyer house in st. louis. i have been scouting out some local yarn stores in madison and am excited to check them out this weekend. joann fabrics works okay for some things since i'm just starting out but as i get better i know i'm going to be a yarn snob. acrylic - eegads!

okay, enough about knitting.

part 2
i always have a wavering feeling on new years eve. this year was no different. it is nothing i dwell on - just every year right around midnight i get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. the new year has come and gone though and i'm back to feeling optimistic. i have a lot to look forward to this year.

jenny and sean are planning a visit to madison this summer. hopefully we will be able to make it to the harry potter exhibition in chicago. i'm also counting down the days until harry potter 5 comes out which jenny and i have planned on meeting in st. louie for.

phantom of the opera is playing at the fox theatre in september. seany and i are planning on going and i'd love to take emily too. the only thing that would make this better is if it were les mis - but i do love me some phantom.

my daddys birthday is in february. it falls on a weekend so i'll be going to st. louis to celebrate! he's going to be 70 this year so i need to plan something special.

the presidential inauguration is in a few weeks! i can't wait.

we can't forget about new moon coming out in *hopefully* november. i sure hope the summer doesn't drag on... :)

i would lovelovelove to plan a trip to CT with jenny to see erin! we'll see how this pans out though ~ plane tickets sure are expensive.

my calendar is filling up quite nicely. i like to keep busy in the summer. the winter months are always filled with snow and ice and make it hard to travel. i end up sitting on my butt at home in layer upon layer of clothing waiting for the sun to come back out.

hopefully 2009 will be filled with a lot of good memories.

voila le scarfy!

2009-01-02T17:48:00.000-06:00

knitting project number one = done and done!

my new appreciation

2008-12-30T18:33:00.000-06:00

so yoga is hard work! and i'm not even talking about regular yoga. i'm doing poor mans yoga on the wii fit. what's pretty neat about it though is how you can see your center of balance while you're doing the pose. i'm in a constant struggle to maintain my pose, to keep my little red dot in the center of the bigger yellow blob, all while remembering to inhale and exhale deeply. i have a newly found respect for people who do yoga. it's incredibly hard to do correctly.

better yet - the wii fit also has hula hooping for cardio! let's jut say i make sure my curtains are closed before i attempt to hula hoop. i watched bryan do it the other night and almost died in a fit of laughter. it's definitely not for the weak hearted.

i'm really digging the fit and am excited to track my progress. what's even better is that i'm going to start my gym membership soon so i'll be feeling better in no time. i kid you not folks - i've gained 20 pounds since getting married. not cool. it's not even the weight that bothers me it's how i feel. i get winded walking up a flight of stairs and i'm constantly tired. let me make this clear though, this isn't my new years resolution. i don't really believe in resolutions stemming from the new year holiday. they're always so forced and un-followed through on.

i would just like to better myself. no more negative, only positive! i've already seen a huge improvement in myself within the past month or so just by weeding out all the negative energy around me. i'm ready to move on up... to the east side! ha.

this ones for da homies

2008-12-23T14:27:00.000-06:00

so here i sit one day before christmas eve thinking about all the things to be thankful for - the spirit of christmas will do that to ya i guess.

there's one constant in my life and that's my friends. i couldn't ask for better. you know who you are. you're the ones who love me unconditionally just as i love you;

my best friend - you're my sister. i cannot explain in words what a feeling it is to know i can tell you absolutely anything without harboring any fear or self-doubt. i don't laugh nearly enough when you're not around. it still amazes me how even though we physically exist in different parts of the country i always feel like you're with me. (could be the texting, ay? :) i love you.

my childhood friend - you're my friend of make-believe who i can always spend hours talking about all the fun we had when we lived just down the street from each other, riding bikes and playing in the basement. you make me see more of myself; and i am incredibly lucky to have you just a few hours away. we need to take advantage of that fact more often. i love you.

my scientist - you've always been my other sister. this past year i'd like to think our friendship has grown even more (thank you googletalk!). you have no idea how many large bouts of laughter i've let out sitting in my lonely cubicle during the 5-day work week. your humor has yet to be matched and i love our lamo inside jokes. i love you - even if you're a scarf nazi.

my new friend - i say "new" because you are the only new person in my life i need. thank you for always watching out for me, picking me up on snowy days and always automatically disliking the people i dislike. you are a true friend through and through. my life in madison would be a mess without you in it. i love you.

my san franciscan - you are going to have no idea what this means but i'm going to make the analogy anyway. you're my jacob. i don't know how we went from bomb threats to this but you're one of my closest friends. thank you for always making my sides hurt from laughter and thank you for always loving me without reason. i love you.

word.

snowed-in!

2008-12-18T20:45:00.000-06:00

it sure does seem like christmas is sneaking up on me. my dad was right when he said the older you get the faster the year goes by. it might be the result of my days all seeming the same. sometimes its hard to tell a monday from a friday. i'm not really complaining. i like knowing what to expect each day. i do miss back in the day when my waitressing schedule would be different every 2 weeks. i complained then too though. i think we always want what we don't have.

it looks like we're going to be snowed in tomorrow. while i would love to be without snow for the rest of my existence i do appreciate a snow day off work! it's the one upside of all the bad weather - that and the fact that i don't have to shovel anymore. shoveling + me = crabby. when bryan was in germany a few weeks ago it really showed me how helpless in the north i would be w/o him. if i were single i would definitely not live here. i like madison a lot more than i did at first and it does feel like home but i definitely don't see myself braving a solitary winter here.

the cold weather does at least force me to come to terms with being indoors. i don't typically enjoy a lot of physical outdoor activities but when the weather is nice i like to bounce around town - do some shopping and just drive around with the windows down. the snowy weather forces me to stay in and then i can actually focus on indoor stuff i enjoy like knitting and reading and snuggling with my cats. man, what an existence. :D

oh yeah ~ i finished all 4 of the twilight saga books. let me tell you how depressing it was to finish! i was dreading the ending not because of what could possibly happen at the end of the book but because i didn't want the story to end. i read all of midnight sun on stephenie meyer's website too. i wasn't expecting it to be as good as it was but it sucked me in even more than twilight! god bless a good book on a cold day. life doesn't get any better.

oh and PS

2008-11-13T15:26:00.000-06:00

i started reading new moon last night. yeah. i'm not even half way thru the book yet and it's already a sob fest. good thing i stocked up on tissue. :)

two bah's and a gaaaah

2008-11-13T15:17:00.000-06:00

maybe i do see the negative in things a lot but i don't think i'm as bad as most people. i like to think i'm a realist. i tend to see things more as they are than how i'd like them to be.

i hate being told what to do. i'm not even going to go into more explanation than that but i just wanted to put that out there. i hatehatehate being told what to do. i also hate when people assume. don't assume. you don't know me. you might think you have me all figured out but believe me; you do not.

ugh. i feel like going on a tirade right now. and its not even worth it. there's really no point. people will form their ideas and opinions based on a few interactions, and that's just fine. if you're going to typecast me by just a few attributes and a few of your own perceptions, so be it.

for clarification; very few people know me. very few. very, very few. you might think you know me, but you have no idea. what a stale statement to use, but it sure holds some validity.

bah. stupid.

don't judge me

2008-11-12T08:58:00.000-06:00

please allow me to be a huge dork for the next, oh, 10 minutes or so.

i finished twilight last night. you know where you get to the point in a book where there's no chance you'll be putting it down until you've completed the last page? well, i got to that point around 8pm last night. let's just say it was a late night. i didn't get to bed until around midnight. i'm usually in bed by 10pm. don't judge me. i'm an old lady.

sidetrack: cut to me in the bookstore buying the sequel to twilight. after commenting how i am buying a book from the 'young adult' section the middle-aged sales clerk reassures me, "oh you have no idea how many 45 year old housewives and moms i get in here buying these books." to which i reply, "HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM EXACTLY?!"

but i digress. it was a smart move on my part to go out and buy new moon before i finished twilight b/c i want to jump right into the next book tonight. i was going to blog about my super good/scary/intense dream in which edward saved me a million times from things that wished me harm but i'm feeling a little too dorky right now so...

and scene.

in summation; a book report: twilight isn't going to be winning any awards for literary expertise but OMG is it a good read! if you're looking for something you won't be able to put down - cha-ching!

ya know, i kind of scoffed at the movie at first because it took the place of the next harry potter movie which got pushed back to next summer but i'm glad i bit the bullet and started the series. kudos to me!

hello. i'm thirteen.

2008-11-07T20:44:00.000-06:00

i'm reading twilight right now in anticipation for the movie and i'm starting to develop a big ol' 13 yr old girl crush on edward cullen. i think maybe for the sake of my reputation i need to stay away from teen novels (after i finish this series, of course!) i have such a long list of books to read. i'm really enjoying getting back into the groove of reading. it's such a great feeling of accomplishment when you finish a book. getting started is always the hardest part. it always takes me a few chapters before i'm completely enthralled in the book and have a hard time putting it down.

the best books are the ones that i find myself wishing i'm reading while i'm doing other things. they're the books that make me turn the tv off because the world i create in my head while i read them is far more captivating than the one created for me on television. so far twilight is fitting into that category. gah! why do i always turn into such a dork for shit like this?

wait what am i doing?? i better get back to reading!

tis the season

2008-11-07T11:47:00.000-06:00

bah. we're supposed to get snow this afternoon. okay, so as much as i complain about snow - it really does kind of put me in the holiday spirit. i can't wait to get out and do some shopping. i'm also looking forward to the time when it's socially acceptable to start putting up some christmas decorations. i feel any time before thanksgiving is too early. if i do it this soon i'll be sick of christmas before christmas is even here!

the madison holiday market is this weekend so i'm looking forward to going to that and getting some shopping out of the way early. it's always good to space it out - especially when our economy is in the crapper.

hopefully our new president will bring a breath of fresh air to the country and things will start looking up. i think that all it will take is for people to start having confidence again. of course, if people are negative then things really will be negative. it's all a matter of outlook i think.

hello mr. president!

2008-11-06T19:12:00.000-06:00

i respect the opinions of others.

that being said, i have no place for blatant negativity. some people found that out on november 4th when barack obama became the first african american president-elect of the united states.

i have nothing but respect for people who voted for mccain if they voted on the issues. however, i can name a handful of people i know who voted against obama strictly because he's black - and that's bullshit.

i really found out who people were that night when some peoples facebook statuses were extremely vulgar and racist. and you know what? DELETE. bye. i have no place for that. it's absolutely disgusting. it's the year 2008. wake up.

ya know what else i don't have time for? people who stick to their biases. i want to surround myself with people who are educated; people who have a craving for learning and growing.

i don't need the negative. i don't need the bullshit.

and with that; hellooo mr. president!

jungle fever!

2008-10-23T21:05:00.000-05:00

while i in no way am as masterful as mrs. banda with my cuppycake skillz, i still managed to snap a few photos of the cuppycakes i made for my birthday treat for work tomorrow:

my cuppycakes fight segregation:

tada!

reminiscence

2008-10-22T11:34:00.000-05:00

dreams are an evil, evil thing.

so recently i stumbled upon an old relationship that hasn't been thought of for at least 6 years or so. well, i wouldn't say hasn't been thought of - but it surely hasn't been thought of in the mindset in which it's been in my head lately.

ugh okay i'm not even going to try and dance around it in fear of the wrong person reading this so here goes...

so the sister of an exboyfriend added me as a friend on myspace. i'm not going to pretend like i didn't have ulterior motives when i accepted the friendship. i wanted to peruse her pictures and (fine, be a stalker) and find out what's been going on in the life of the first person i ever loved. (okay, loved? who knows what it was but at the time i thought it was love...)

so he's married. i knew that already. i ran into his parents awhile back while working at chili's and heard he was engaged so i wasn't at all shocked to see wedding pictures. okay, maybe a little shocked. he looked the same yet completely different. he looked happy, which in turn made me happy. i am genuinely happy for him.

a little background: i was kind of a bitch in high school and broke up with him. i think we had been dating almost 2 years. i was a senior in HS and i think he was a sophomore in college... the distance thing just wasn't working out. i needed to flap my wings and figure out who i was (which mind you, i still haven't quite figured out). i'm pretty sure i broke the poor kids heart, but anyway, i digress.

so at the time of viewing the myspace photos i was just kind of like "oh chris got married, cute wife... nice." no feelings other than those of "ahh those were the days." well, the "those were the days" feelings slowly turned into thinking of the first time we kissed, how i used to lie to my parents about riding the activity bus home so we could go to the park, him surprising me on valentines day from college. ugh, which in turn then manifested into an actual dream last night.

i had a dream i was at his wedding (why i was even invited, i have no idea). the details aren't important but they had this big romantic kiss and it was raining and i was left feeling a little jealous. even when i woke up this morning i still felt the pangs of jealousy.

this is so silly. i have no feels for the guy whatsoever. its like i'm second guessing myself or something. the things of our relationship that i've remembered have of course been all the happy times when we were young and stupid and still had that puppy love glow about us. i know in reality it wasn't perfect. there was that constant control, fear of loss, scramble for grip. instead of thinking about what was, im left thinking of what i imagine things to be; again.

so anyway. i won't lie and say i haven't imagined this "if we meet again" encounter in my head. i picture us bumping into each other one day. getting together for coffee, laughing at ourselves and how we thought things were way back when, and then getting up, moving on and never seeing each other again; perfectly content in what is now.

wishful thinking i guess.

locked up in a box

2008-10-21T19:40:00.000-05:00

usually on my first night home alone i end up playing some relaxing music and going through old boxes of pictures and random stuff from my high school and college days. it really struck me tonight especially though coz i really dived into some old notes from friends and boyfriends which i usually skip over and don't read. something tonight stopped me though and i read each one i had in my wooden box of secrets kept close to my heart. i was really humbled to remember all the good memories i had with different people.

its weird because when you're in high school you think that your memories will last forever. then you get to college, forget all about high school and think the same thing about your college memories. then one day, you wake up and realize that you are an adult all of a sudden (holy shit!) and you've suddenly forgotten about the person you were way back when.

i had certain hopes about my life which i don't neccessarily think haven't come true - but it's a different state of being. when you're in school preparing for your life, your life can really be anything you want it to be because its all some dream world far away and nonexistent. when all of a sudden reality hits and you're in the here and the now everything from the past looks foggy and unfamiliar.

this is why i hold onto these little mementos of life - they are things that bring me back to who i was and help me get on the right path of who i am and who i want to be.

bah, stupid cold

2008-10-21T13:13:00.000-05:00

i feel like i work in the antarctic. one of these days i'm going to come to work in a full snowsuit, mittens, earmuffs, and anything else that screams "turn up the heat!" and i'm going to wear it all day at my desk. either that or maybe i should invest in one of those half blanket/half robe deals. man do those look cozy.

i'm boycotting winter. i wasn't designed for it. i'm no keira knightly or anything, but i surely do not have enough insulation on me to make winter worthwhile. i pretty much hate everything about it - the snow, the cold, the frost, the cold, the holiday crowds, and did i mention the cold?

i however do enjoy the following - hot chocolate, christmas music, christmas lights, cookies, wrapping presents, and roastin' chestnuts on a fire... but can't we just do all that minus the freakishly cold weather? i'd be perfectly fine roastin' some chestnuts while sitting out on my balcony in 80 degree weather with a nice breeze, a sun hat and a mojito. i mean really, is that so much to ask for?

bah. i guess i live in the wrong part of the country to complain as much as i do. hmm...

some rambling

2008-10-03T14:03:00.000-05:00

i'm trying to learn that i have no control over anyone but myself. i think once i get this through my head i'll be free to be a happier person. i'm tired of worrying about how other people will react to what i say or do. i am who i am. i can't help what i like or dislike. i have a weird sense of humor. i don't care if you think it's weird or not. learn to like it or get away from me.

i believe in energy. it seems like once i let go of trying to will something to happen, once i really am happy with who i am and what i do and the moment im in, i attract others towards me. more specifically one person. once i let go of worrying about what the next move should be, poof, there i am back where i want to be.

this is something i need to get better at.

this isn't meant to make sense.

cough

2008-10-02T12:28:00.000-05:00

blech. i've been feeling like uber crap the last few days. i have some sort of cold that's been traveling around the office. it makes me wish people would stay home when they're sick... but then again i should take my own advice.

it's been getting colder and colder up here. it feels like winter already and it's not even my birthday yet. i'm used to warm weather until at least halloween, so what the eff is up with me wearing a coat to work every morning already? it is a nice change from summer but i'm not quite ready for the impending snow yet.

i love fall. there's something about it that makes me feel like me. i love breaking out the sweatshirts and taking walks as then sun starts to set, and i love being able to smell the leaves beginning their decay. it's such a great feeling. i wish there was a place i could move to that had fall year round. that's definitely where i want to be.

so i went down into campus territory last weekend with my sister and bridget and found quite a few really cute shops. i can't wait to go back and do some christmas shopping in that area. i'm glad i was finally able to get down there and do something scavenging. i wish we lived closer to downtown. madison really does have some cool aspects about it... it's too bad the bad seems to usually outweigh the good.

i never really claimed this city as being mine. i think that's the problem. it's like i've been trying not to get attached or something, and as much as i'd like to attach myself... i'm not quite ready yet.

man, i could really go for a nap right now.

tomorrow

2008-09-19T11:20:00.000-05:00

well. so much for that. i just talked to my mom this morning and everything just came flooding out like word vomit.

nothing about our relationship, mind you... just about my unhappiness lately. the stuff i've been struggling with that i've wanted so badly to tell her.

it was actually a really good conversation, and it makes me feel so much better. i just wish we could talk like that all the time.

i just hope a week from now i don't regret it. :)

melodramatic...

2008-09-17T09:58:00.000-05:00

my mother and i are complete strangers. this isn't a new realization.

i've been aware of it for for as long as i can remember but until now i've been okay with it. recently though, i've been craving a relationship with her. i want a mother i can tell anything to, who will always want me to be happy... no matter what path i might get on to get there. i want her to listen to me...really, really listen to me. to understand me. to really know who it is that i want to be. i want her to be a secret keeper, a friend. i feel as tho i can't tell either of my parents something b/c i know they'll tell the other person only to discuss it to death and to later confront me with their "findings" and "thoughts" as to what i should really do.. because obviously any ideas i come up with on my own will not be right.

i know she loves me but her love is always guarded. i don't remember her ever playing with my hair, or rubbing my back, or letting me sit on her lap. my dad was always the physically affectionate one. i sat on my dads lap until, well... i still sit on his lap. i can remember being around 10 or 11, trying to sit on my moms lap, starving for affection that only a mother can give her daughter only to be pushed away with "ow, you're hurting me..."

my mother is unlike my father in the fact that she remembers birthdays, can list any ailment that has ever occurred with her kids... she worries over things that will or will not happen, and constantly judges and picks and pries and involves herself in anything that doesn't involve her.

she wants me to live the life that SHE wants and if i even think about straying from that path she "doesn't understand," and plays dumb and thinks i'm being irrational and childish and "i just don't get how life really works." instead of letting people find their own way, make their own mistakes, live their own life... she is quick to remind me that she knows more than i do because she's lived longer. she's seen the big picture. she gets it. only, i find this to be very hypocritical.

she doesn't do anything other than work and come home and watch tv. when other people her age have their own hobbies and interests and things they enjoy doing, she's always too tired.

it's hard to blame her for this, however. she has a heart condition which undoubtedly gives her fatigue. not only that but she's in her late 60's, works full time, and has to come home and take care of my father who has a hard time doing simple tasks on his own anymore. she's a caregiver. she enjoys taking care of others because she's a nurse, that's what they do. it makes her feel needed.

i go back and forth. i blame her, and then i get defensive of her. i want to tell her things, but then i know once i do reality will set in and i will regret it like i always do.

i think when you're younger you expect your parents to be perfect, when really all they are is an improved version of their own parents. it really shows me the kind of parent i want to be... and the kind i hope i never am.

don't get me started

2008-09-04T15:27:00.000-05:00

as a woman, i feel a little offended. does mccain think women who were once voting for hillary are going to sudddenly go running for "hot chick" palin just because she has a vagina? as erin put it, does he think women are going to sniff out the scent of estrogen and follow it wherever it may lead? give us some credit. palin's viewpoints couldn't be further from what hillary was fighting for. with palin in charge, women might as well give up thier own uterus on a platter, god knows they'll have no rights to it whatsoever.

and let's talk a minute about divisiveness. i especially loved how guiliani stood in front of a video screen showing the skyline of NYC after 9/11, when the country was more united than its ever been and constantly spoke of "us" and "them" when referring to republicans and democrats. obama has made every effort to say "americans" not "republicans" or "democrats." we are all fighting for the same country, assholes.

obama talks about a wave of change, while all the mccain camp can seem to do is belittle him. that says to me he doesn't have much of a chance, and he knows it. they worked every angle that bush did during the kerry/edwards campaign of 4 years ago. they belittled, laughed, joked, called him a "flip flopper" and did nothing to tell us how THEY were going to be different than the bush/cheney team we have in office now.

you know what? yes, obama make lack the experience that mccain has. but what has experience gotten us so far? an economy in the dumps, a reputation as a bully, high gas prices, contributions to global warming, an endless war... the list goes on and on.

this is my response to the "no experience" argument. it doesn't take "experience" folks. it takes common sense. it takes a willingness to listen to different viewpoints. it takes a decision maker who's going to make the right decisions for the right reasons. obama will have foreign policy advisors out the yin yang. he'll have hundreds of very experienced people who are willing to give him different viewpoints. he needs to be pragmatic. he needs to be open to change. he needs to inspire people. he needs to prove to the younger generation that politics aren't just for the good old boys.

i want a president who WILL change his mind when given new information. someone who isn't stubborn in the way that he thinks. someone who doesn't think god speaks directly to him. someone who see's we're in a losing war.

mccain says he's going to fight to the gates of hell to find bin laden. well you know what - no he's not! he's going to be sitting in his cush office while our brothers, fathers, sons, children, sisters, daughters etc are searching caves and getting killed for someone who knows those caves like the back of his hand.

hes's a hot head who's proven he makes rash decisions by picking sarah palin - someone who was chosen for all the wrong reasons to be a stones throw away from the white house.

i'm all for women in office - but it's disgusting that he picks the wrong woman for all the wrong reasons and thinks we're too blind to see through it.

i hope americans are smarter than that.

i love my best

2008-07-30T11:42:00.000-05:00

it's never going to be convenient or easy, so scratch that.

a simple request

2008-07-18T13:02:00.000-05:00

be more like myself. that's what i jotted down on my notecard of goals this morning. it just kind of came to me all of a sudden. i need to stop focusing on transforming myself to meet the needs and personalities of those around me and just start accepting myself for who i really am. i have ups, i have downs. i can be really excited about something one minute and the next be really crabby. that shouldn't come as a shock to most people. :)

after i wrote it though i just kind of smiled as it was such a simple request among the other goals i've been making for myself lately. i'm not the kind of person that usually has goals. i honestly don't know what it feels like to set a goal for myself and then achieve it. i'm so lax, i mostly play things by ear or just let them play out in whichever way they seem to. well, shit just doesn't get done when i do it that way. i'm starting small and i'm not even going to tell anyone what these goals are - but it's about damn time i started making some.

dennis asked me awhile ago if there was anywhere i had ever wanted to go all my life, or anything i had always wanted to do. well, the answer is no. there's never been some magical place in my mind where i've always wanted to travel and i've never really had anything i had a strong desire to do. i think that's where all my listlessness comes from - a lack of drive, nothing to reach out and strive for. i don't want to envy those people who have their goals laid out in front of them, checking them off one by one like a to-do list, i want to be that person. i'm done sitting on the sidelines. it's time for less talk and more action.

come back to me post-it

2008-07-17T15:13:00.000-05:00

well that teaches me to write shit on post it notes. i was feeling a bit scatter brained yesterday and wrote some blog topics on a post-it note. well, guess what? said post-it note is now MIA. ugh. i keep telling myself that i couldn't have divulged too much of my inner craziness on the space of a post-it note, but my inner craziness keeps freaking out a bit. i envision that little yellow piece of sticky paper in the hands of the enemy, snickering about all my troubled thoughts. but would the enemy even know it was i who had written it? prob'ly not. on that note - who's the enemy, even? they were blog topics so its obviously not anything diary-worthy. coz let's face it folks, while i'm getting a bit better at being my honest self here on this here blog - i tell my diary much juicier topics. i hope that doesn't hurt the feelings of my audience of two.

okay, that's not true. i don't even really write in a diary. partially for fear of somebody finding it, but really because i don't like going back and reading what i wrote. i always end up sounding like some 13 year old girl who's obsessed with hanson (still). there's really not even anything very juicy to write in it. just the thought of someone really being in my thoughts is something that stresses me out. and that can't even really be true either coz here i am ranting in verdana.

okay, maybe there are a few juicy topics - but if i won't even write them in a diary i'm most definitely not writing them here!

i heard the other day that scott peterson has a blog. apparently everyone has a blog now. except my mom i hope. that would be weird. but anyway. i wanted to search out scotts blog. (no, we're not on a first name basis.) i'm not even sure why. just sounded like the thing to do.

speaking of dark knights...

2008-07-15T14:27:00.000-05:00

i am so super pumped to go see the new batman movie. with all the hype surrounding it, i just hope i can get tickets. luckily, st. louis has about 40 million more theaters than madison so i should be able to see it somewhere this weekend. i half thought about buying tickets online but i don't know who all is going to be going... and i wasn't about to blow 50 bucks reserving tickets for a date and time that would leave me going by myself to the most expensive movie experience of my lifetime. oh oh oh, ijustcantwait!
i'm gonna be one poor child this month. july always has the best movies and they always come out back to back. the new x files movie comes out soon as well as mamma mia and step brothers. i just need to take a weekend and spend the entire time at the theater. pay for one - sneak into the rest. it'd be like junior high all over again! now all i need is a boy to makeout with in the back row. wait, eff that. i'd rather watch the movie!

my dark knight

2008-07-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

i have a fake boyfriend. no, i didn't stutter. i have a fake boyfriend. does he know he's my fake boyfriend? of course not, that's just silly. now even though this relationship blooms only in the inner most depths of my mind, i was still mildly depressed to find out here in reality he's married AND it appears he has a kid.

do i know he's the proud father of a little girl? no, but she sure does look a lot like him! that's enough in my books to make my sudo-relationship crumble into pieces.

okay so do i sound a little bit crazy right now? well, yes.

but let me lay it out for you; i think most girls have fake boyfriends. so why do we feel the need to make believe our way into happiness? simple, because our fake boyfriend can be anything we want him to be. he can be the perfect man; the one on the white horse, the one who saves us from danger, and cooks us breakfast when he's done folding the laundry.

i think most real boyfriends start out this way. there's always this "he is" factor in a new relationship. "he is going to be the one who sweeps me off my feet." "he is going to be the one the songs are about." and then the newness wears off and you're stuck with a smelly guy who leaves his socks everywhere. the romantic sides seeps back inside and the spark is gone.

i think its the media that really fucks us girls over. they give us some scewed reality of jim and pam, or of carrie and big and then our expectations are set too high. we want someone to give us goosebumps, and who always has the right thing to say to make us smile.

so what do we do? we create someone. we pick out a cute boy, and imagine that he's our one and only. we imagine that he's the one who gives us the stomach drop, the butterflies, the feeling of floating on air. we close our eyes and imagine.

...and we hope to god that he never finds out.

i have a complaint

2008-07-09T10:29:00.000-05:00

a good friend of mine is in the works of getting a divorce. i won't pretend i know the whole story, but from the bits and pieces i do know, i can't say i blame her one bit.

i take that last statement back. i don't blame anyone for getting a divorce. if you're unhappy enough to the point of wanting one, then it's probably for the best. who am i to judge? it's for sure not my place. what is my place though is to be there for my friend, and to side with her 100%. i don't think i'm the kind of friend who will let you make a stupid decision without letting you know i think it's a stupid decision - but i'll still back you no questions asked.

that being said, onto my complaint. so i signed onto AIM the other day and i wasn't on for 2 seconds before boom her husband messages me. if there was a prize given out to those who could guess what the approaching conversation would entail - i would've won it hands down. so of course i get the whole "whoa is me" attitude. the "i still love her" comments, and the "i'd do anything to get her back" promises. was i suprised? of course not. what did suprise me however, was the fact that he had the balls to even take this route to get to her.

as my daddy always said, i didn't just fall off the potato wagon. i'm not stupid. i knew he was hoping somewhere deep down that i would say, "oh wow, she's totally misjudged you (you big giant asshole)... i should go tell her what a big mistake she's making." well if that's what you though then you've obviously misjudged me. YEAH I SAID IT.

the reason girls and guys each have their own respective friends is for this reason. her friends side with her and your friends side with you. nice try buddy, but you're gonna have to try a lot harder to fool me.

pending

2008-07-07T14:57:00.000-05:00

this time, i'm writing my blog before i title it. take that, order of things!

so. i've been in a funk as of late. i'm kind of categorizing it as a sort of "mid life crisis." (could i make that sentence any more non-commital?) that's how i've been feeling lately - very non-commital. very, "is this all there is?" it kind of scares me though - because i'm at a point in my life that people strive to be at. i have an okay job, i'm married, we have a nice house, etc, etc, etc. sure, this is where i want to be - maybe by the time i'm 30. i guess i don't really know what i thought my life was going to be like. i've always been a "we'll play it by ear" kind of girl - not really thinking about the consequences that often accompany actions.

i should clarify. by consequences i don't mean the kind that always follow bad decisions. what i mean is this; every action has a reaction. i guess i just stopped worrying about what reactions my actions would entail.

so where do i go from here? when a good friend of mine told me i was too old to get a piercing, i realized i am past a point in my life where i can really justify bad decisions - passing them off as just another adolescent mistake. but while i'm too old to run around frantically searching for my place in life, i'm also realizing that i'm very young - and i'm still feeling my way around trying to figure out what the point of it all is.

so what's the point? that's what i'm still grasping at straws trying to figure out. it's a weird limbo i'm in because i'm not in a huge depressed state of "oh whoa is me, whats the point of this life?" its a inquisitive prodding, a look left and a look right. it's a girl trying to gain the courage to place her foot over that line and step out on her own - even if that path may lead in no direction at all.

do you remember...

2008-06-16T14:27:00.000-05:00

trading pogs? all the different shades of jellies ~ pink with sparkles, clear like cinderella...? new kids on the block bed sheets, out of this world, playing house in my parents basement - hanging up thick teal curtains to be our fake walls? squishing lightening bugs between our fingers, running around barefoot - feet like indians? how it felt the first day of summer when we'd go to bangert pool, jumping in the water eyes closed and noses pinched? making clubs outside the gym doors on the steps that led down to the playground, talking about boys we thought were cute and those we thought definitely were not? riding our bikes, not going home until the sun began to set, picking rollie pollies from underneath bricks and stone? mud pies, pretending like we were runaways, picking cicadas off of trees - their thin legs stuck perfectly in the bark? hiding the party invitation for gary and greg because we didn't want boys at my party ~ and realizing that we couldn't fool my mom as easily as we had thought? tape on socks, our first BOP magazine and the first feeling in our stomachs of being in *love*? light as a feather/stiff as a board, streaking the in the alley, and playing truth or dare? cassette tapes, pressing rewind, and making plays to beauty and the beast in the basement - trying to charge for evening shows?

growing up, growing apart, and then growing back together?

some of the best memories of my life are those i have with my friends ~ all of you. and i am so thankful to still have those that matter in my life. we've all gotten older, but i hope that each of you know how much you mean to me still even if we no longer have long summer nights of dirt and grass stains, sweat and laughter.

jenny said it best:

our relationship ebbs and flows ~ and it is that, i am most thankful for.

breaking point

2008-05-24T18:10:00.000-05:00

well, no suprise there; laura hasn't updated a blog in, well, a long ass time. we all knew it would come to this and frankly, i'm not going to punish myself for falling into the same old routine as i always do.

to be honest, i've been struggling as of late. i've lost control of a lot in my life and i'm trying hard to regain my balance. while i love my job and madison has grown on me a bit more i find myself missing st. louis and the friendships i had there.

actually, i don't really even think it's that.

i think when you're younger everyone has this fairy tale idea of what life is like and i'm just now starting to realize my vision was completely scewed and that life is never going to turn out how i thought it was when i was 9 or 10.

i'm learning to trust myself and my instincts and to take things as they come - that seems to be the one thing i can control.

2 cats in a car = TMTH!

2008-03-24T12:09:00.000-05:00

and we're moved! we sign the keys over from our aparment this afternoon and then we are officially LIVING IN A HOUSE. holy moley. it kind of hit me last night after we got the cats there. they really adjusted quickly. of course, the car ride over was fun. it's a good thing we didn't move too far or i'm not sure aiko would've made it there alive. i had both the cats in the car by myself. they both don't fit in the carrier, so kiley had the privilege of being the caged kitty, and we put aiko on top of her carrier, free to roam the car... i was under the impression that he would be too freaked out to roam, and would instead sit there quietly like a good boy... which he almost never is. boy was i wrong. two seconds into the car ride, aiko thought he'd make a run for it and jump out the front windshield. too bad for him there was a big sheet of glass there. for those of you who know my car, you know the dash below the window is a very narrow space, and you also know how big my kitty is. he barely fit and started sliding down the side by the glove box. while driving (in the snow, with no defrost i might add) i had to hold him down while i drove to the house. needless to say, it was a very fun ride.

when we did finally get to the house, the kitties headed straight for the basement. good thing too, since that's where we put their litter box. task #1 complete. kiley proceeded to walk around the basement in circles and mewed the entire time. it was a good thirty minutes of meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. nonstop repetitive chatter. i wonder what she was saying. when they finally got the courage to come upstairs, they explored every room and after about an hour they were finally all settled in and laying in the middle of the hallway under your feet like usual. i was very pleased, as i was a bit worried that because of all the chaos they would be too freaked out to function.

speaking of chaos... it sure would be nice to see the floor of our living room. since we had to move in so quickly and some of the rooms aren't quite finished yet - we had to pile everything into the living room in hopes of sorting it out later. i think the biggest part will be bryan putting his desk up in the office. once that's taken care of the boxes should dwindle down quickly.

we were able to unpack most of the kitchen. i LOVE our cabinets. we really have a lot more room than we had at the apartment, which i was worried about, and the new stove and microwave look beautiful too. i can't wait to have everyone up for the 4th of july to celebrate.

i do have more pictures we took this weekend, but since we don't have internet at the house yet, i'll have to wait to upload them when i have access to my laptop and a fast signal. there are still pictures (some of which have been updated since the first batch i posted) at lduffield.shutterfly.com (the password is still abcdefg).

another super exciting bit of news - my sister in law is having a baby! HOORAY! bryan is excited to be an uncle and i'm excited to be an aunt of a little baby again. i've been an aunt for 19 years already and i know how fun it is to spoil someone rotten and then return them to their parents. i think bryan will be a really good uncle and rebecca and peter are going to be awesome parents. i'm so flippin' excited!!

well, i think i should probably get back to work. i AM on the companies dime and all... i can't wait until we get internet run to our house. these past couple of days being cut off from everything has been nice, but i'm no fool and i know what a technology-crazed person i am. it will be good to get back into the groove of things.

adios!

day 4, or is this 5?

2008-03-11T14:07:00.000-05:00

just as suspected, bryan hated the curtains. i think he's learning to give in a little bit on the things that don't really matter a whole lot though, and the curtains are here to stay. we've gotten a lot of work done in the last day and a half. all three bedrooms are painted now plus the hallway and all the closets. the dumpster should be arriving today so we can start cleaning stuff out. that'll make it much easier to clean the floors enough to start laying the wood flooring in the next day or two. the carpet guy comes on friday, so i have a feeling its going to be a couple of late nights in the next few days. we were there until 1230 or so last night and today i'm exhausted. i might try to sneak in a nap between picking up bryans clothes at the apartment and heading over to the house after work. i just need a nice 30 minute power nap and i'll be ready to go.

work has been really slow today for some reason. i have work to do, but its nothing really pressing that has to be taken care of right this minute. and frankly, i just don't feel like doing anything. i'm so burnt out from yesterday i'm finding eyelids droop as i sit at the computer. i've tried caffiene and nothing is helping.

in other news, i have developed quite a crush on my boyfriend david cook on american idol. i have previously been proud to declare that i have never voted on american idol in the past... it's never really been my thing. this year for some reason (i blame it on the tivo) i've made it my goal to watch every episode for this season. i must admit, i plan on voting my little heart out tonight for david cook. wish us luck.

day 3...

2008-03-10T12:48:00.000-05:00

so it's day 3 of the house renovation and i'm feeling a bit sore. i know if I'M feeling sore, the guys must be dying. either that or i'm a really big wuss. let's go with that. so far, we've accomplished the following things, give or take a few:

drywalled the closet out of existence
flipped the basement stairs around
ran the electrical for the lights
painted the guest bedroom and main bedroom
cut 1/2 of the interior bathroom wall out
ripped up the kitchen flooring
removed all the cabinets
did something or other with the kitchen plumbing
a million other little things that i probably wasn't a part of

i must say, bryan and his dad are hard workers. they're pulling 16 hour days and are happy to do so. i'm just happy i don't have to pay them to work. life is a lot easier when you're married to a do it yourself kinda guy.

i've managed to do some fun stuff. i picked out a deep purple for one of the accent walls in the bedroom. i also found some really pretty curtains for the living room:

bryan has yet to see them, and i'm sure he'll hate them and i'll hear about it for the next 5 years of my life but i love them and hearing about it will be well worth it. i also got some pretty curtains for the bedroom but i couldn't find a picture of those, so you'll have to use your imagination.

we still have quite a lot to accomplish and only about 2 weeks to do so. they were able to re-rent our apartment, and now we have to be out by the 24th. that means not only do we have to make the house move in ready and kitty proof -we also have to pack up and clean our apartment. talk about a stressful couple of weeks.

so much to do...

2008-03-06T18:56:00.000-06:00

the days are going to go by more quickly now. bryans dad comes up tomorrow to help us work on the house. we were hoping to have more done by this point, but i think we're starting to realize how the smallest tasks can take a lot longer than planned. it took us nearly 2 hours last night to put in a box for the ceiling fan. let me clarify; when i say we, i mean bryan. i was just the helper. once mr. p is up here, i think the most helpful thing i can do is stay out of the way, cook, and begin to pack up the apartment. we need to be out by march 30th so they can hopefully re-rent our apartment early. that doesn't leave us with a lot of free time. i can't wait until the month is over, the house is almost complete, and we can move in. i've been a lot happier lately. i don't know if it has to do with being constantly busy with the house, or if its finding a friend i feel like i've known for a long time. its good to have a girlfriend to hang out with. i think its a mixture of all that plus the feeling of spring being right around the corner. snow is depressing after awhile.

and with that... the american idol results show is on... GO DAVID COOK!

6 inches is kids stuff

2008-03-04T14:01:00.000-06:00

this is how my day started:

745am - i realize the heater on my car isn't working as i'm driving into work. i turn the fan all the way up. nothing happens.

755am - i get to mcdonalds to order a couple of breakfast sandwiches for me and my buddy. i get to work 5 minutes later and realize they gave me the wrong stuff. i was really looking forward to that sausage biscuit too. fuck.

8am - i try and walk into work through our parking lot that resembles a war zone right now. i nearly fall and hurt my side strainging to stay upright.

815am - i can't do anything until an error in our software program gets fixed.

9am - i realized i have to re-process every invoice i did yesterday due to an error in our program. roughly 1000 invoices. i'm not a happy girl.

12pm - my dad decides he's going to take himself to the doctor in the snow and ice, even though he can hardly walk on his own. there's nothing like being 400 miles away and feeling completely helpless.

1230pm - i get ahold of my oldest sister to try and get her to drive him. i never realized how 6 inches of snow in st. louis can simulate the end of the world. what do we have up here in madison? OH THATS RIGHT. 85 inches. i feel really bad for you if you think you can't get out of your driveway because of 6 inches. perhaps you should invest in a snow shovel.

1235pm - i start to think everyone who thinks praying for something will make it happen or not happen needs to get their head evaluated.

235pm - i give up and open my box of thin mints. 3 down, 17 more to go.

in any case, i'm looking forward to picking up some more stuff for the house tonight. our countertop is in, and we're planning on running over to American to pick up our stove. i can't believe how good the house is going to look when we're all done. we realized the other day after taking out the old cabinets, that they desperately need to be replaced. we picked out some beautiful cinnamon maple cabinets that are going to look amazing with our brazillian cherry wood floor. buying a fixer upper is the best thing we could've possibly done.

i can't wait for summer.