back, back, forth and forth

it's raining, it's raining! sure, its a cold winter rain - but i'll take that over a cold winter blizzard any day! it's interesting how people hate the rain. i've been watching some of my coworkers run in from lunch and each one of them has blubbered some variation of "what a gross day" it is outside. i love grey, rainy days - but to each their own.

changing topics - i'm trying to be more conscious of what i eat. food has a pretty big hold on me, so it's been harder than it sounds . i mostly plan my day out around my meals. once i eat - i start thinking about the next thing i'm going to eat. man, i love food. i need to work harder on keeping my future self in mind. when i see a big piece of chocolate cake i don't think twice because i'm more interested in having immediate satisfaction. then of course, after i eat it i feel horrible and gross and bloated and regrettful. i need to be more mindful of pleasing my future self rather than the immediate me who loves to indulge in bad, bad habits. so that being said, i'm trying.

i think this goal will be easier met if i find things other than food that give me satisfaction. knitting has been one thing that has helped me focus. another thing that has sparked my curiosity is volunteering with hospice. i learned about it through a friend bryan works with - and it sounds like something that could be very rewarding. i've been inching forward and backward on it however. i'm just a bit worried that it will be too much for my psyche to handle. i guess we'll see what happens.

i'm sitting at the front desk covering julies lunch listening to the rain pound down on the asphalt outside. it comes down hard for a few minutes and then lightens and repeats. it's really soothing. i could definitely go for a nap right now. hmm... and maybe some hot chocolate. don't judge me.

cognizance

the geese are back. this is a good sign. i am trying to push away thoughts of reading on the back porch, barbecues, and jeep rides with the top down as it's only making me more frustrated when i hear we're getting another conglomeration of snowfall this week. a girl can only take so much. summer in madison is much more tolerable but i guess i still don't quite understand what the fuss is about. i keep hearing about how great madison is - there are more and more people i know moving here. is it wrong for me to want to move away so bad? the thought of having kids here makes my mind race. i feel like if we still live here when we have school-aged kids then we're stuck and i feel like by doing that i lose a part of myself. i guess when i think about having kids i want them to have some of the same experiences i did. i want them to know what a thunderstorm that builds from humid air feels like. i want the lights to go out. it's funny how as i am writing this i'm realizing that thunderstorms are a huge part of what i miss. bring my closest friends and family to madison, add in the humidity and the tornadic weather and i'd be set.

i think this stems from a connection i hold with my dad. and i think i'm holding onto these storms just as i hold on to him. wow, epiphany. i guess subconsciously i feel that by losing this experience i also lose a part of him. talk about a realization.

one of my favorite things about my dad, which i know i've mentioned before, are the times we used to sit on the front porch as a storm rolled in. the rain would pour off of the roof, coming down faster than than the gutters could keep up with. lightning would light up the street and thunder would shake the glass on the front door and still we sat, rocking back and forth on the porch bench - just he and i.

madison does get the occasional thunderstorm - but they just don't compare to what you get in st. louis.. when i was younger i wanted nothing more than to move away. and while i know that moving away from your comfort zone helps you grow, i do envy those people who live where they grew up., who have friends they've known since grade-school and see them everyday. i miss my closest friends. what i wouldn't give to be closer to them.

the bright side to all of this is how much more this distance makes me appreciate these things i don't get to experience every day. when i do make it to st. louis and that thunderstorm rolls in - my feelings swell up much more than they would if it happened every day. the time i get to spend with jenny and sean holds even more value because i know that in a matter of days we will all go our separate ways again. i am humbled by the thought of each of these people as a part of myself. while physically we go different directions, we are all tied together by the same geological location. we are all different branches of one tree - and that will always be something we can hold onto. jenny, sean, erin, dennis, bridget, kate, jen, emily, joe, mom, dad - these are all people who hold a sliver of myself as i knew her before madison and after. i guess i realize that even though my location my change - i am still the same person and will be the same person no matter where i go.

stupid banana

it was midnight. or 2 am, i'm not quite sure. i was three quarters of the way asleep when *bam!* the perfect idea for my story hit me. i rolled it back and forth in my head like i was kneading dough. i thought, "do i get up and write this idea down?" i laid there awhile longer. i knew i was going to forget but did i get up and write the darn idea down? no. no i did not. and do i remember it now? no. no i do not.

i have been sifting through folders of memories in my head, hoping to be reunited with this flash of brilliance that only ever comes in the middle of a good sleep. what bothers me even more is that no matter how deep i sift the only thing i keep hearing in my head is "they call me, nanerpuss, nanerpuss" from that damn dennys commercial with the banana cut as an octopus sitting on top of a stack of pancakes. this is incredibly frustrating.

this isn't the first time this has happened either. i tend to get good ideas right as i'm falling asleep and i always do the same thing. "oh i'll remember, definitely. this is too good to forget! no need to get up and write it down..." i've learned from this mistake this time tho and i've set myself up with a small notebook - pen attached! it will accompany me and await my brilliant ideas! it already has a few little scribbles on the first page! and now i play the waiting game...

the beginning

i keep wanting to write a new post but i have nothing new and/or interesting to divulge. so instead, i'll make up a story.

it was a warm thursday afternoon in sunny southern missouri. ila brushed the sweaty brunette bangs from her forehead and fumbled for the window button of her 1997 chevy cavalier. it was stuck again. letting a few curse words slip she wiggled the button up and down three times until the window started slowly rolling down. letting her hand ride free outside the window, she sank back into her seat and let the wind pull her palm back and forth.

um... so far this is all i have. i'm not sure who ila is but i'm going to work on finding out. also, i don't know where she's going yet either. i guess that's something i have to think on. it's been awhile since i've written anything and this just kind of rolled off the top of my head. it feels good to make stuff up. =) oh, and also - i'm not really sure if the 97 cavaliers even had power windows. minor detail.

crisis averted

well, my mom deleted her facebook account. instead of jumping up and down like a fat kid who just got a free piece of cake - i'm feeling a little guilty. i was really quick to judge her for joining. my conscience has been getting the better of me the past few days and i've been trying to put myself in her shoes. all she's trying to do is be in with the cool kids. she hears us talking about facebook all the time. "facebook this," and "facebook that." should i really be upset with her for being curious?

my big concern was the fact that she can't even work her darn cell phone. i really don't want her constantly coming to me with questions about facebook too. now that she deleted her account though, i find myself wanting to teach her how to do certain things. i mean, would it really be that bad? if i put her on limited profile it might even be convenient for her to stay updated.

these thoughts are all well and good but i realize i'll be kicking myself for it later if i help her re-create an account. it always happens this way. i start to treat her like maybe things *will* be different this time. then, she'll call me with her teasing voice saying, "i saw your facebook status. what's that supposed to mean?" and i'll remember all over again why i got so upset when i saw the friend request from her in the first place.

oh me, oh my. now if only i could get my conscience to take a hike.

somebody get me a pillow

that's it.  i am going to smother him.

bryan is sick.

i am trying to really hard to be a good wife and take care of him.  but if i have to pick up one more dirty kleenex i think i might just snap.  

not only that - but the poor kid can't stick to ONE area of the house.  all morning he camped out in his chair by the window, then when i came home he was laying on the couch.  MY couch - by my knitting, using my blanket, coughing on my pillow.  ERGH!  i'm not the most patient person but when someone is sick i try to keep my thoughts to myself.  i started to ask him a bit ago if he wouldn't mind sticking to ONE chair but as he started into a fit of coughing i bit my tongue.  now, i'm hiding in the bedroom because i feel like it's the only safe zone in the house.  i'm not a germ-a-phobe but the thought of sitting in the same exact spot as someone blowing their nose like the nile is running out of it kind of grosses me out.  

i've been downing airborne like crazy but as a sore throat lingers i know eventually i'm going to have to succumb to the idea of getting sick.  i just hope it happens during a weekday so i can miss a day of work!  ...just don't tell my boss.

two steps forward, one step back

i thought i would post another photo of the infamous rosebush.  after almost all the snow melted, bryan got home from london friday night and brought 3 inches of fresh snow with him. i'm three inches closer to moving somewhere warm! 

also, as you can probably tell from the above photo - i've been having lots of fun with photo-editing. i got this website called picnik from my niece emily who always has some really cute edited photos on her facebook page.  in fact - maybe i can airbrush some more snow into the picture and then i'd be sunbathing in the south in no time!  hmm... all the possibilities.  i guess that plan hinges on the hope that bryan never goes outside.... damn.