i sit content

You might want to sit down for this. I want to get a library card. In the past I have had a strong aversion to library books but I am hoping to change my ways. I like to own my books. I think of my bookshelves as a kind of trophy case . Why would I want to give a book back after reading it? This habit has become a bit expensive and asinine and has prevented me from reading things at random. Don't get me wrong though - I still plan on buying all the books I love!

I'm hoping that the library also provides me with a quiet place to write. I just can't write at home. I'm too easily distracted. There are too many things at home that keep me from writing - the cats do something cute, I notice something is being tivo'd, Bryan is farting or talking...

I was thinking about hitting up Starbucks too but there are too many people in this town that head to Starbucks with their laptops. It reminds me of the episode of Family Guy where the guy takes his laptop to Starbucks so people can see him writing. That's what being a writer is all about - making sure people notice you are a writer.

Plus, I've lived here for almost 2 years now. It's about time I have a library card.

I also really want to learn how to play the piano. I have the fingers for it - long and quick. I figure it would be a shame to not at least give it a try. I want to learn the guitar too - nothing fancy, I just want to be able to play with it a bit. I just want the cheap 60$ guitar from Target. I keep trying to convince Bryan this is the logical way to go. Who knows if I'll even want to mess with it much.

I'm starting to realize there are a lot of things I want to do. I'm starting to be more productive and creative and looking out ahead of me. I'm not really sure if it's because I'm getting older or if I am just realizing how short life is. The only thing that has held me back in the past has been myself. It's easy to put things off but it's more fun to do them now and have even more fun stuff to look forward to later!

I had an interesting moment with my niece this weekend. At least I thought it was interesting - she may have thought nothing of it. She was telling me how she couldn't do the whole "Twilight" thing anymore. She had gone to see the movie and the tweens were just too annoying. She was cooler than that. And she is - cooler than that I mean. I get annoyed myself with the overly obsessed teeny-bopper girls but I asked her, "Why can't you just like it just because you like it?" Who cares if other people like it or don't like it. I like it regardless of who else does. I think that's what happiness is all about - like what you like, man. Who cares.

There is a really great Walt Whitman poem that I love which is fitting here.

"I exist as I am, that is enough,
If no other in the world be aware I sit content,
And if each and all be aware I sit content." - Walt Whitman

i'm a liar

Out the window goes yesterdays goal. I went to Target last night and let my inner 13 year old girl convince me to buy The Host by Stephenie Meyer. I started it last night and have to say it's a bit weird and hard to get into so far. I'm only to chapter 4 but my friend keeps reiterating how wonderful it is so I will go forward into the abyss of Stephenie Meyers alien world hoping to be drawn in soon. I will update as my journey moves forward.

In other news, I am having an ardent love affair with the music of Ray LaMontagne. It's been made even better with the cold and rainy setting the northern weather has provided. I usually tire quickly of slow-moving music but Ray LaMontagne is slowly making me melt. I've been listening to him on Pandora and hope to buy a few things off iTunes soon. Empty and Shelter will for sure be among the first purchased.

Along with Ray LaMontagne on Pandora comes Ryan Adams, Damien Rice, & James Morrison just to name a few. Let's just say i'm loving this station.

All of this rain, music, and reading has me itching to write a story. It's been a long while since i've really delved into something so creative. (I guess I'm not counting knitting.) I typed out a few thoughts I had previously about a girl name Ila but it never went further than what I shared here. Writing has become sort of a fickle process for me. It used to flow out of my fingers so easily but lately has been very strained and forced. I hope to get back to it soon.

There is nothing better than swimming around in a world you only know in your head.

my bookshelf

On my lunch break today I went to Barnes & Noble in search of a new book for my nightstand. I just finished Promise Not To Tell by Jennifer McMahon last night (a book I borrowed from a friend.) I really enjoyed it. After I finished my search at B&N in defeat - I realized how I clasp onto books after I read them. I always have a hard time starting a new book. I am a true book-putter-offer through and through.

I shouldn't even mention the book my boss gave me over a year ago to read. I really hope he's forgotten because I'll sure look like a putz if I give it back now...

Once I buy a book (and they all have to be bought) sometimes it takes me months to actually pick it up. I understand now why this is. Once I really get into a book I fall in love with the characters. I don't want the story to end. I want to continue on in their lives - as messed up as they sometimes are. It is because of this I have a hard time picking a new book up. No matter how easily that book will draw me in once I start - the previously read story always seeps back into my head and I get bored with my present read.

This was the hardest to deal with after the Twilight series. Each book I picked up after Breaking Dawn was a disappointment due to its lack of Edward Cullen.

Once i delve into a book I almost always fall in love. It's rare when a book doesn't capture my attention. I was a huge bookworm in high school. There wasn't a day that went by when I didn't read in class. I blame this love for all the unread books that sit on my bookshelves. I have a handful of recent purchases and borrows that I still need to read. Paper Towns, The Reader, Wuthering Heights (yes I still have not read Wuthering Heights!) Oh, and I think I have Marley and Me too.

So really, I have no idea what I was doing at B&N this afternoon in search of a new book. I guess I should really start on the ones I already have. This is my new goal - read every unread shelved book before a new book can be purchased.

Anyone know of any good reads I can put on my list?

first signs of spring

I pretended to be artistic today in the gorgeous 70 degree sun and took some pictures around our yard. It's such an exciting feeling when the first little green buds start peeking through the ground. Berries are starting to return on our tree in the front yard and the cats have been enjoying watching the birds who come to peck at the branches. 

Ahhh, spring is finally here.

In other news - Twilight came out today!  I was almost certain I'd have to fight a child in order to get a copy but thankfully Best Buy had plenty of DVDs to go around.  Bryan is oh so looking forward to watching it with me tonight.  He promised!

my role

Spring is finally here!

With spring comes my newly found friendship with capitalization. I've been thinking about it and have decided to try out capital letters for a change. I reserve the right to revert back to lower case in future posts, however. Consider yourself warned.

Despite the fact that spring is officially upon us - Mr. Palmer forgot to pull my car in the garage last night which meant i had to scrape frost off my windshield before I could drive to work. I'm not sure how I feel about frost on the first day of spring. Mother nature can expect to receive a strongly worded email this afternoon.

In other news, I had a pretty nice conversation with my Mom last night.

Sidenote: I know if I use "Mom" as her name it needs to be capitalized but if I say MY mom should it then be lower case? F-ing grammar.

And we're back. So while I was on the phone with Mary (take that, grammar) she brought up a fight we had about a month ago. It wasn't really a fight so much as it was me flying off the handle and yelling at her. I think I might have blogged about it when it happened. Anyway, she brought it up and asked me to "never get mad at her like that again." She said she felt she was really close to me and it was crushing to her for me to be so mean.

I was kind of taken back by this comment. While I've never felt completely close to my mom (lowercase!) I never considered that she might feel close to me. Maybe subconsciously I do feel close to her and that's why I get so upset about her treating me like a baby.

Sometimes I forget that my mom is going through a lot right now with everything going on my with my dad. She has her own issues but takes such good care of him - sometimes her own well-being gets overlooked. I can't imagine what it must feel like to watch your husband - the man you knew as a young, energetic person slowly deteriorate. I have a hard enough time watching it as a daughter, I can only imagine what goes through her mind.

Out of the three sisters my mom probably talks to me the most about everything going on. I'm not sure why she's chosen me to be her confidant but I'm at least happy she feels she has me to tell. It's hard sometimes though - to try and be strong and listen when she's telling me about cleaning out the house so she doesn't have to do it later "you know, if something happens to your dad." She always adds in, "I could kick the bucket before he does!" But we both know that's probably unlikely. It's scary how easy it is to hold it together while I talk to her. It wasn't until I was off the phone and later on that I let all the scariness flood out of me.

It is scary. And unknown. I feel like we're all being "prepared." My dad calls me now when it's raining to tell me he wishes I was there on the front porch with him. He makes sure to remind me of all the little moments we had when I was younger - sitting on his lap, tucking me in at night - the covers tightly tucked underneath me. We all make sure to come home for major holidays, Fathers Day of course.

We don't really know when our preparation will be no longer necessary. Nothing looks looming or dire at present but we've been told what is coming. It sits in front of us like a slow drip turning into a flood. As a daughter I am still weary of the role I play. There is a part of me which is quietly content with being the confidant and another part which wants to scream, cry and be the baby I sometimes get cast as.

Maybe I can request an understudy.

meet tristan

well it's official - we have added onto our family. and no, i don't mean children. at least not the human kind. most of you already know - but i'm an excited new mother and i want to gush about my newest little furry child.

last saturday - bryan and i decided to swing through petsmart and check out the kitties the local shelter country animal haven brought in for adoption day. it didn't take us long before our eyes fell upon a little black and white long haired kitty that would cock his head to one side when you looked at him. his shelter-given name was thirstan and we immediately asked if we could hold him.

he is 6 months old and a little bigger than a kitten. young enough to be playful but old enough to come with kitty baggage.

right away he just melted into my arms. he was so squishy and soft and lovey. i made bryan hold him. (i knew once he had this little bugger in his arms he wasn't going to be able to say no!) "it's your decision," bryan said when i asked him what he thought. "of course, i was sold.

it was just a few hours later and we were listening to the pitter-patter of little newly-named tristans feet as he scurried around our house looking for a hiding spot.

i guess i should start with a little background info: tristan was an outdoor kitty as a baby. the people who owned the property he and his litter were roaming on coaxed him onto their front porch where the nice folks from CAH had to catch him with a net. he was at the shelter for awhile and given to a foster family whom we were told could "carry him around like a baby." YAY!

he was very bonded to his sister who had been adopted out a week before we adopted him. CAH told us he would do very well with other kitties to snuggle with. double YAY!

little tristan has been quite scared since we brought him home. he's been hiding in the basement for the past 3 days now. he must feel pretty safe underneath the washing machine because that's where he's chosen to hide. i was starting to get worried after finding him tucked up against a concrete wall behind some broken down boxes on sunday. i felt so bad that the poor little guy was so afraid.

last night was a turning point, though. i was able to coax him out from behind the washing machine with a small can of wet food. every little noise made him jump. i sat next to him and explained all the different sounds. "that's just a motorcycle outside, tristan. and that's just the furnace kicking on." i tried to explain to him how nice we were, how this was his forever home and he wasn't going to be moved around anymore, and how much fun he was going to have with kiley and aiko. he sat next to me - just out of reach, with his head cocked to one side and listened as i jabbered on and on.

later that night when bryan and i got home from dinner i went downstairs to clean the litter box. i didn't find him and figured he was hiding again behind the washer. i said 'hello' towards the general area of the laundry appliances and went upstairs to search out aiko and kileys favorite toy, "rolled up cardboard on a wire" aka the cat dancer.

i barely even made it back to the stairs with the toy when i saw tristan sitting halfway up the basements steps! my heart swelled up and i was incredibly proud of the few steps he had climbed. "good boy tristan!!" i almost yelped. i sat down on the top step and held out the wire. kiley and aiko immediately came over to play. it only took a few minutes before tristan drew some courage and made it up a few more steps to join in the fun. he even took a few bats in the face from big bully aiko and kept playing.

after another pretty hard beating - aiko was put in time out and we continued to play with the wire. bryan got out the laser pointer and had tristan and kiley running all around the basement trying feverishly to catch the little red dot. feeling bad, i let aiko out of his time out so he could come play. it was such a great feeling to have all 3 of our little ones running around the basement together.

better yet - tristan allllllmost made it upstairs. the farthest he felt comfortable going was the top step - but that's progress i'll take! i think he's doing much better already. when bryan and i went home to check on him quickly over our lunch hour today he came out from behind the washing machine to say hello. i bet by the end of the week we'll have him upstairs.

baby steps! baby kitten steps.

my boycott

after a very event-filled weekend i'm feeling drained and sleepy. it doesn't help that i lost an hour of sleep due to this stinkin' time change. i'll be thankful for it at the end of the day when i get to leave at 4:30 and it feels like 3:30 - there's the upside at least.

we went to animart on saturday to check out their kittens. animart is where we got igby (our short-lived puppy) from and we had heard good things about their cats. i had a friend who took a stray cat there who had lived through some abuse. the story was that animart footed the vet bills for the poor cat and then adopted it out. we had quite a different experience there...

they had several beautiful cats - some a bit younger than others. we're keeping our eyes open for a little boy kitten to join our family and we found a very handsome orange and white tabby named tony. after giving him a good look over we noticed that, unforunately - he was declawed. seeing as how our two kitties at home are still rocking their stickers we thought it best that the next kitty we get also have some built-in defense mechanisms. sorry, tony. we put him back in his cage with a little pat on the head and a "better luck next time."

but wait, the story doesn't end there. bryans sister jillian is also keeping her eyes open for another cat. there was a beautiful siamese mix with bright blue eyes. she was younger and was skin and bones - probably another rescue. jillian got her out of her cage for a bit and noticed she was pretty squirmy. as we stood waiting for the cat-giver to return we noticed one of the cats still in the cage was limping. she wasn't putting any weight on her front paw. we looked around for the stupid kid who had now been gone for over 10 minutes.

as we waited the siamese mix jilly was holding became even more wirey . we needed to get her back in her cage - and fast. i took her from jillian and went up to the cashier to ask for help giving her back. i was immediately greeted with, "what's all over your jacket??" i looked down and noticed i was covered in blood - and not just a little. it was alllllll over my jacket. i'm not talking carrie-style or anything - but there was a significant amount. we located the problem. it was her paw - she had just recently been declawed and she was bleeding pretty badly.

here's my first problem: if she'd just recently been declawed, they shouldn't be giving her out for people to hold. and not just for my clothings sake - she's in enough pain from them ripping the nails out of her joints, she doesn't need to be man-handled too. as i peeled my blood-covered jacket off - i asked, "do you declaw ALL your cats or something?" and sure enough! this so-called "animal-rescue" pet store declaws every cat that comes through! i was really upset. "OH and you might want to check the kitty on the top left - she's limping!" i told the guy, angrily. i then grumbled and groaned about how un-necessary it is to declaw cats. it's ONE thing to declaw a cat as a very last resort if you feel you have to. that's up to the owner - and i still think it's wrong. but it's just horrible for a pet store to be declawing every cat they have.

i wasn't upset about my jacket - that's the chance you take when you hold an unfamiliar animal. you never know what bodily fluid is going to come out of them. i was more upset at the fact that they even let us hold her since she'd just had the surgery. horrible, horrible, horrible. no wonder she was so squirmy.

i will never shop there again. i'm callin' for a boycott!

show and tell

i just thought i would share a picture my sister sent from guatemala. it sounds like she's having a very fun time and her pictures look beautiful. i would much rather be there than sitting at a desk listening to annoying people around me talk. for now i will live vicariously through her.

*ahh, the sun feels wonderful.*

let's be trees

well, my sister left for Guatemala yesterday morning. i woke up sunday morning and realized i hadn't talked to her. i was upset at myself for letting it slip my mind and by the time i woke up she was already on a plane. lucky for me tho she called before she boarded her connecting flight. i sure do miss her already! my parents have been uber-annoying about her trip. i understand they worry because they're parents but she's an adult and can make her own choices. my mom in particular kept asking, "what does david think about her going?" to me... like i have an answer to that. then she'd sneak in a "i guess david doesn't mind if she goes," or "poor david will be all alone!" i'm preeeetty sure david is a grown adult who 1) can take care of himself and 2) wouldn't be the type of person to tell her she "can't" go.

so all of this has me asking myself... what kind of relationship is my mom trying to promote? should you not do something you want to do if your significant other doesn't approve? where is the line? while this question doesn't really apply to my sisters situation i know several other people that do abide by what their husband/boyfriend/girlfriend expects of them. i think the line of control gets very blurry when you start thinking like that. who should have control over your life? you or someone else? when does it stop becoming courtesy to think of anothers feelings when making decisions?

all of this makes me wonder if this might be the reason why the divorce right is so high. back in the days when my parents were married i think it was more common for people to settle in and forget dreams they might have held as a single young adult - especially women. i don't necessarily think this means their lives were completely "controlled" but it seems like people in my parents age bracket are more considerate of the feelings of their spouse than the younger generations are. i haven't quite decided if this is a bad thing or a good thing.

i want my children to be full functioning adults before committing to a long-term relationship. maybe that's the problem - people get married before they're two separate full-bloomed trees, both with roots planted firmly into the ground. is that the difference? maybe if two people can function on their own then in turn they'll respect the other persons ability to do so.

i guess what i'm not saying is that people shouldn't still be considerate of anothers feelings. it's important to be respectful of ideals people hold closely. we get this one life - why would stifle things which make us whole because another person doesn't hold them in the same regard? we all want different things and as long as we respect that we might not want the same things as another and not stand in the path another wants to travel just because we chose the other way... we would all be living the good life.