melodramatic...

my mother and i are complete strangers. this isn't a new realization.

i've been aware of it for for as long as i can remember but until now i've been okay with it. recently though, i've been craving a relationship with her. i want a mother i can tell anything to, who will always want me to be happy... no matter what path i might get on to get there. i want her to listen to me...really, really listen to me. to understand me. to really know who it is that i want to be. i want her to be a secret keeper, a friend. i feel as tho i can't tell either of my parents something b/c i know they'll tell the other person only to discuss it to death and to later confront me with their "findings" and "thoughts" as to what i should really do.. because obviously any ideas i come up with on my own will not be right.

i know she loves me but her love is always guarded. i don't remember her ever playing with my hair, or rubbing my back, or letting me sit on her lap. my dad was always the physically affectionate one. i sat on my dads lap until, well... i still sit on his lap. i can remember being around 10 or 11, trying to sit on my moms lap, starving for affection that only a mother can give her daughter only to be pushed away with "ow, you're hurting me..."

my mother is unlike my father in the fact that she remembers birthdays, can list any ailment that has ever occurred with her kids... she worries over things that will or will not happen, and constantly judges and picks and pries and involves herself in anything that doesn't involve her.

she wants me to live the life that SHE wants and if i even think about straying from that path she "doesn't understand," and plays dumb and thinks i'm being irrational and childish and "i just don't get how life really works." instead of letting people find their own way, make their own mistakes, live their own life... she is quick to remind me that she knows more than i do because she's lived longer. she's seen the big picture. she gets it. only, i find this to be very hypocritical.

she doesn't do anything other than work and come home and watch tv. when other people her age have their own hobbies and interests and things they enjoy doing, she's always too tired.

it's hard to blame her for this, however. she has a heart condition which undoubtedly gives her fatigue. not only that but she's in her late 60's, works full time, and has to come home and take care of my father who has a hard time doing simple tasks on his own anymore. she's a caregiver. she enjoys taking care of others because she's a nurse, that's what they do. it makes her feel needed.

i go back and forth. i blame her, and then i get defensive of her. i want to tell her things, but then i know once i do reality will set in and i will regret it like i always do.

i think when you're younger you expect your parents to be perfect, when really all they are is an improved version of their own parents. it really shows me the kind of parent i want to be... and the kind i hope i never am.