back, back, forth and forth

it's raining, it's raining! sure, its a cold winter rain - but i'll take that over a cold winter blizzard any day! it's interesting how people hate the rain. i've been watching some of my coworkers run in from lunch and each one of them has blubbered some variation of "what a gross day" it is outside. i love grey, rainy days - but to each their own.

changing topics - i'm trying to be more conscious of what i eat. food has a pretty big hold on me, so it's been harder than it sounds . i mostly plan my day out around my meals. once i eat - i start thinking about the next thing i'm going to eat. man, i love food. i need to work harder on keeping my future self in mind. when i see a big piece of chocolate cake i don't think twice because i'm more interested in having immediate satisfaction. then of course, after i eat it i feel horrible and gross and bloated and regrettful. i need to be more mindful of pleasing my future self rather than the immediate me who loves to indulge in bad, bad habits. so that being said, i'm trying.

i think this goal will be easier met if i find things other than food that give me satisfaction. knitting has been one thing that has helped me focus. another thing that has sparked my curiosity is volunteering with hospice. i learned about it through a friend bryan works with - and it sounds like something that could be very rewarding. i've been inching forward and backward on it however. i'm just a bit worried that it will be too much for my psyche to handle. i guess we'll see what happens.

i'm sitting at the front desk covering julies lunch listening to the rain pound down on the asphalt outside. it comes down hard for a few minutes and then lightens and repeats. it's really soothing. i could definitely go for a nap right now. hmm... and maybe some hot chocolate. don't judge me.

cognizance

the geese are back. this is a good sign. i am trying to push away thoughts of reading on the back porch, barbecues, and jeep rides with the top down as it's only making me more frustrated when i hear we're getting another conglomeration of snowfall this week. a girl can only take so much. summer in madison is much more tolerable but i guess i still don't quite understand what the fuss is about. i keep hearing about how great madison is - there are more and more people i know moving here. is it wrong for me to want to move away so bad? the thought of having kids here makes my mind race. i feel like if we still live here when we have school-aged kids then we're stuck and i feel like by doing that i lose a part of myself. i guess when i think about having kids i want them to have some of the same experiences i did. i want them to know what a thunderstorm that builds from humid air feels like. i want the lights to go out. it's funny how as i am writing this i'm realizing that thunderstorms are a huge part of what i miss. bring my closest friends and family to madison, add in the humidity and the tornadic weather and i'd be set.

i think this stems from a connection i hold with my dad. and i think i'm holding onto these storms just as i hold on to him. wow, epiphany. i guess subconsciously i feel that by losing this experience i also lose a part of him. talk about a realization.

one of my favorite things about my dad, which i know i've mentioned before, are the times we used to sit on the front porch as a storm rolled in. the rain would pour off of the roof, coming down faster than than the gutters could keep up with. lightning would light up the street and thunder would shake the glass on the front door and still we sat, rocking back and forth on the porch bench - just he and i.

madison does get the occasional thunderstorm - but they just don't compare to what you get in st. louis.. when i was younger i wanted nothing more than to move away. and while i know that moving away from your comfort zone helps you grow, i do envy those people who live where they grew up., who have friends they've known since grade-school and see them everyday. i miss my closest friends. what i wouldn't give to be closer to them.

the bright side to all of this is how much more this distance makes me appreciate these things i don't get to experience every day. when i do make it to st. louis and that thunderstorm rolls in - my feelings swell up much more than they would if it happened every day. the time i get to spend with jenny and sean holds even more value because i know that in a matter of days we will all go our separate ways again. i am humbled by the thought of each of these people as a part of myself. while physically we go different directions, we are all tied together by the same geological location. we are all different branches of one tree - and that will always be something we can hold onto. jenny, sean, erin, dennis, bridget, kate, jen, emily, joe, mom, dad - these are all people who hold a sliver of myself as i knew her before madison and after. i guess i realize that even though my location my change - i am still the same person and will be the same person no matter where i go.

stupid banana

it was midnight. or 2 am, i'm not quite sure. i was three quarters of the way asleep when *bam!* the perfect idea for my story hit me. i rolled it back and forth in my head like i was kneading dough. i thought, "do i get up and write this idea down?" i laid there awhile longer. i knew i was going to forget but did i get up and write the darn idea down? no. no i did not. and do i remember it now? no. no i do not.

i have been sifting through folders of memories in my head, hoping to be reunited with this flash of brilliance that only ever comes in the middle of a good sleep. what bothers me even more is that no matter how deep i sift the only thing i keep hearing in my head is "they call me, nanerpuss, nanerpuss" from that damn dennys commercial with the banana cut as an octopus sitting on top of a stack of pancakes. this is incredibly frustrating.

this isn't the first time this has happened either. i tend to get good ideas right as i'm falling asleep and i always do the same thing. "oh i'll remember, definitely. this is too good to forget! no need to get up and write it down..." i've learned from this mistake this time tho and i've set myself up with a small notebook - pen attached! it will accompany me and await my brilliant ideas! it already has a few little scribbles on the first page! and now i play the waiting game...

the beginning

i keep wanting to write a new post but i have nothing new and/or interesting to divulge. so instead, i'll make up a story.

it was a warm thursday afternoon in sunny southern missouri. ila brushed the sweaty brunette bangs from her forehead and fumbled for the window button of her 1997 chevy cavalier. it was stuck again. letting a few curse words slip she wiggled the button up and down three times until the window started slowly rolling down. letting her hand ride free outside the window, she sank back into her seat and let the wind pull her palm back and forth.

um... so far this is all i have. i'm not sure who ila is but i'm going to work on finding out. also, i don't know where she's going yet either. i guess that's something i have to think on. it's been awhile since i've written anything and this just kind of rolled off the top of my head. it feels good to make stuff up. =) oh, and also - i'm not really sure if the 97 cavaliers even had power windows. minor detail.

crisis averted

well, my mom deleted her facebook account. instead of jumping up and down like a fat kid who just got a free piece of cake - i'm feeling a little guilty. i was really quick to judge her for joining. my conscience has been getting the better of me the past few days and i've been trying to put myself in her shoes. all she's trying to do is be in with the cool kids. she hears us talking about facebook all the time. "facebook this," and "facebook that." should i really be upset with her for being curious?

my big concern was the fact that she can't even work her darn cell phone. i really don't want her constantly coming to me with questions about facebook too. now that she deleted her account though, i find myself wanting to teach her how to do certain things. i mean, would it really be that bad? if i put her on limited profile it might even be convenient for her to stay updated.

these thoughts are all well and good but i realize i'll be kicking myself for it later if i help her re-create an account. it always happens this way. i start to treat her like maybe things *will* be different this time. then, she'll call me with her teasing voice saying, "i saw your facebook status. what's that supposed to mean?" and i'll remember all over again why i got so upset when i saw the friend request from her in the first place.

oh me, oh my. now if only i could get my conscience to take a hike.

somebody get me a pillow

that's it.  i am going to smother him.

bryan is sick.

i am trying to really hard to be a good wife and take care of him.  but if i have to pick up one more dirty kleenex i think i might just snap.  

not only that - but the poor kid can't stick to ONE area of the house.  all morning he camped out in his chair by the window, then when i came home he was laying on the couch.  MY couch - by my knitting, using my blanket, coughing on my pillow.  ERGH!  i'm not the most patient person but when someone is sick i try to keep my thoughts to myself.  i started to ask him a bit ago if he wouldn't mind sticking to ONE chair but as he started into a fit of coughing i bit my tongue.  now, i'm hiding in the bedroom because i feel like it's the only safe zone in the house.  i'm not a germ-a-phobe but the thought of sitting in the same exact spot as someone blowing their nose like the nile is running out of it kind of grosses me out.  

i've been downing airborne like crazy but as a sore throat lingers i know eventually i'm going to have to succumb to the idea of getting sick.  i just hope it happens during a weekday so i can miss a day of work!  ...just don't tell my boss.

two steps forward, one step back

i thought i would post another photo of the infamous rosebush.  after almost all the snow melted, bryan got home from london friday night and brought 3 inches of fresh snow with him. i'm three inches closer to moving somewhere warm! 

also, as you can probably tell from the above photo - i've been having lots of fun with photo-editing. i got this website called picnik from my niece emily who always has some really cute edited photos on her facebook page.  in fact - maybe i can airbrush some more snow into the picture and then i'd be sunbathing in the south in no time!  hmm... all the possibilities.  i guess that plan hinges on the hope that bryan never goes outside.... damn.

a little promo

check out my sisters etsy page! she makes some super cute felted cozies. i use this one for my cell phone but it also fits my classic 20g ipod. the colors are really fun and i've gotten tons of compliments on it already.

here's the link!

life lesson from knitting #2

never assume - always check the dye lot.

i got to the point in my hooded baby blanket last night where i needed to add in a new skein of yarn. i didn't notice until i got about 2 inches in that it was a lighter shade than the first skein i had knit with. my first thought was an incoherent "aaAARrggG!" first i thought about pulling it out. then i thought "eff it, maybe i'll just quit all together," but then as i sat and looked at the perfect line of light violet i realized - life isn't perfect and neither is this stupid blanket. so what if the colors don't perfectly match? i've worked hard on it and i'm not going to quit now. in fact, maybe it'll even look like i did it on purpose! (just humor me.)

when i bought the yarn at joann fabrics - i just assumed that since i was grabbing yarn out of the same bin that it would be from the same dye lot. well i learned my lesson there. i keep all the tags from my yarn so i went back through them last night and sure enough... they are completely different dye lot numbers. cuuuurse youuu joannnn fabricssss!

i'm the type of person that has to learn things the hard way. even though i read the chapter in stitch n bitch about buying yarn and how you should always double check the dye lot - did i listen? of course not. it takes an experience of buying the wrong yarn for the point to really be driven home.

i realize that this little lesson shows itself in my daily life too. along with being a procrastinator i also like to do things the quick and easy way. i wanted to run into joanns, grab my yarn and get the heck home. checking the dye lot would've required too much effort on my part. i just expect people to do their job and to not put different dye lots in the same bin! this is something i need to be aware of. i need to be more thorough and productive. i need to take heed of what people tell me to avoid future bumps in the road. and more importantly, i need to be responsible for myself. i shouldn't always go by what is expected that someone else do.

in the end, i'm actually glad i made the mistake. it has taught me that nothing in life is perfect. oh yeah, and always check the dye lot.

that's it, the world is ending

my. mom. joined. facebook.

i don't think anything more about that sentence needs to be explained. i'm just going to say this; facebook was WAY cooler when you needed a college ID to make an account. thank god for the limited profile option, that's all i gotta say. so i called my mom last night to say, "i cannot BELIEVE you joined facebook" (which in retrospect really hurt my cause more than if i'd just stayed silent). well she of course did her horrible cackle laugh where you can't get a word in edge-wise because of how "silly" i was being that i would be upset and blah blah blah. well all the bullshit i'd taken from her over the weekend came to surface and i blew up.

i think one of two things happen when you have children. 1) you either turn into your own parents and start reverting to the way they raised you or 2) you learn from the things you disliked about your parents and try to change them with your own kids.

i hope to be the second type of parent. don't get me wrong - i love my parents. i've mentioned before how i wish my relationship with my mom was better. i don't have much to complain about compared to other people but i've still learned quite a few things i'd like to do differently when i have my own family.

i don't think being a mom gives you a license to treat your children like they "don't understand." i'm sorry but i am so sick and tired of hearing, "you'll understand someday when you have children!" i think that's the biggest bullshit line i've heard in my lifetime. granted, with my neice and nephews i've found myself thinking things like "ohh you'll understand when you're older," but i realize that keeping these thoughts to myself do more good than harm. sure, the elder generation has had experiences that might make them see things differently but that does not mean that in the present moment what your children are feeling is wrong.

also, i get treated differently because i am the youngest. even though i'm 25 years old, i'm married, have a house, a good job, a college degree - i still get treated like i'm the dumbest in the family. "oh baby laura just doesn't get it."

i want to have my own life outside of my kids. i think that's another reason why my parents struggle so much with control over our lives - they don't have their own. at some point you have to let go and hope that you raised a smart human being. as a parent you have to realize that your children grow up to be their own person and you can't think that just because they don't like strawberries in their friggin' jello that they "just don't know what's good."

i hope to keep all these thoughts in my back pocket. i want my kids to know about how i felt when i was younger so when they start feeling the same way they can come to me with their grievances and i can listen and acknowledge that what they're feeling is legitimate and warranted.

ugh, i guess i've ranted enough for one blog post. in the meantime i guess i'll accept this stupid friend request from my mom and bite my tongue for the moment. after all, just because i accept the request doesn't mean i have to teach her how to use it. and that's something i refuse to do.

my charlie brown rosebush

i thought i would post a picture i took this afternoon of the rosebush i talked about in the last post...  you can see the whole plant so i guess i'm still going to live in wisconsin for the time being!  

the big melt

i can see grass! i can see grass! the weather is absolutely beautiful here today. it's an amazing 52* out and i was actually able to drive around on my lunch break with my sunroof open. it's enough to put me in a very good mood! all the snow is slowly melting away to brown muddy grass - but at least it's grass! i woke up this morning and the first thing i did was peek out our bedroom window the check the rosebush.

bryan and i have a rosebush awkwardly placed near the middle of the backyard and i gauge whether or not we're going to continue to live in madison based on if we can see the rosebush. i compromised that if we could still see the rosebush throughout winter - we wouldn't have to move. but, as soon as that rosebush is fully submerged in snow to the point it's completely hidden we are SO out of here! getting him to agree to my compromise is a whole other story. still, i stick by my rosebush.

with such beautiful weather i wish i was a more outdoorsy person. with my bum knee and lack of enthusiasm however, i make for a poor outdoor-activity sport. i guess pulling a chair outside into the sun to sit and read still counts, right? i could probably even take my knitting out! i'll have to remember that this summer as it's still too cold to be really enjoyable right now. we have a nice patio deck in the back that bryans parents bought us last year and it sits right beneath a big tree that provides lots of shade. i really look forward to taking advantage of madisons beautiful summer weather this year. i'm starting to appreciate it more now that i've had two very cold winters that seem to last forever here.

i do a lot of grumbling throughout the winter but the truth is - madison is a beautiful place to live once summer hits. it never gets incredibly hot or humid, which i'll admit is one thing i'd change about st. louis. the one thing the humidity of st. louis provides however are some massively cool thunderstorms. and boy do i love thunderstorms. so nevermind, i guess i really would choose the thunderstorms and humidity over the mild summers of madison.

the up side of the terribly cold winters though is a greater appreciation for warmer weather when you get it. when we have a beautifully warm day i always say to myself "man, i wish everyday was like this..." truthfully, if every day had the same warm weather it would be more likely that i wouldn't take advantage of it as often. i guess you have to have a freeze-out in order to appreciate what you get in the summer.

summer always makes me think of my dad. bbq'ing in the backyard, waiting on him to get home from working on the river... he used to stop at the A&W rootbeer place and bring home 2 cold jugs full of fresh rootbeer. we'd sit on the black wire patio furniture in the backyard and sip on the rootbeer while we waited for the burgers to finish cooking on the grill. when it got darker outside i can remember running around in the yard catching lightning bugs. when i think about all the really good memories i have of being young it really makes me want to have kids... lol. i look forward to when i can pass some of the same feelings on to a new generation. someday!

here i am!

it took 25 years but i think i am really starting to develop a more creative side to myself. it's a very fulfilling feeling and it's making me feel more like a full person. i had been feeling so scattered and disconnected over the summer. it sounds cliche' but i felt myself slipping into a kind of downward spiral. instead of being thankful and happy with where i am in my life i was second-guessing everything. i was feeling without purpose. it sounds silly but when i started knitting it really gave me something to focus on and throw my energy at.

lately it seems without really trying i have been slowly chiseling away all the crap to define who i am and who i want to be. it's odd tho - i feel like i've been spending my whole life without really knowing.

i am a homebody. i am creative. i like to snuggle with my kitties and watch old episodes of the x-files. i like to play with my friends on the internet. i am humble. i love my friends like they are my family. i like cooking but only when it's for more than just bryan and myself. someday, i want to teach 4th grade. i love to knit. i am laid back. i am good at computer stuff. i'm a decent scrap-booker. i love the gap. i want to be a young parent but am not ready to have kids yet. i am learning to be complete. i want to learn the guitar and speak spanish. i don't like to set deadlines on goals for myself. i have learned i am not a dog-owner. i am kind. i enjoy being lazy. i am easily irritated. i value my alone time. i've found myself saying "i could just make it" while looking at things i want to buy. i love to sleep. i don't read as much as i'd like to.

so far i think i've got a pretty good list going. it makes me smile to think there will always been more to add as my sense of self grows.

mind over matter

well, the birthday video for my dad is done. both hats? check. seans memory book? almost. i'm feeling a bit of the weight lifted off my shoulders. granted, it was weight i placed there myself but still - it was starting to get pretty heavy. the hardest part now is getting the video burned to dvd via bryans computer before i leave tomorrow morning. i was hoping to get it uploaded to youtube as well but it's taking a bit longer than i had anticipated. as soon as i do though - i'll post it here.

the hats both turned out really well. you can check them out on wektog if you feel so obliged. it was slow startin' as i messed up quite a few times. the first completed hat using the beaufort pattern can be filed under charlie brown. now that i have it down though i can knock one of those puppies out in a day if i really try. i'm going to make jenny one in kelly green and then one for myself in a light blue cotton. first thing's first though - the baby blanket. erin already pwned me so there's no point in rushing but i'd really like to complete it soon.

oh! and in other exciting news i finally got my invite to ravelry. i've found some really cute patterns and am really excited about uppin' my knittin' game! i was hoping to hit the meyer house in st. louis while i'm there this weekend but after our money-draining trip the the dentist i might have to hold off on buying new yarn for awhile. i have enough to last me a few more projects but i was really excited about picking up some malabrigo yarn for a few projects.

in other news - i've been fighting off the awful cold that's been making the rounds around ... everywhere, it seems. i feel like i'm surrounded by germs. sitting at my desk i can hear sniffles, coughs, and sneezes every few seconds. i've been downing airborne like i'm a fat kid eating cake and so far it's been working. i feel it coming on every once in awhile, convince myself i'm not getting sick, take some airborne and before i know it i'm feeling a bit better. i'm sure i won't be able to hold it off for much longer but as long as i can get through the weekend i'll be happy to let it take over then. missing a few days work, laying in bed watching x-files doesn't sound like a bad way to spend the beginning of the week, but we'll see. if i can - i'll kick this colds butt out the door! in my mind i keep chanting "mind over matter, mind over matter..." let's just see how well this holds true.