Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
a simple request
be more like myself. that's what i jotted down on my notecard of goals this morning. it just kind of came to me all of a sudden. i need to stop focusing on transforming myself to meet the needs and personalities of those around me and just start accepting myself for who i really am. i have ups, i have downs. i can be really excited about something one minute and the next be really crabby. that shouldn't come as a shock to most people. :)
after i wrote it though i just kind of smiled as it was such a simple request among the other goals i've been making for myself lately. i'm not the kind of person that usually has goals. i honestly don't know what it feels like to set a goal for myself and then achieve it. i'm so lax, i mostly play things by ear or just let them play out in whichever way they seem to. well, shit just doesn't get done when i do it that way. i'm starting small and i'm not even going to tell anyone what these goals are - but it's about damn time i started making some.
dennis asked me awhile ago if there was anywhere i had ever wanted to go all my life, or anything i had always wanted to do. well, the answer is no. there's never been some magical place in my mind where i've always wanted to travel and i've never really had anything i had a strong desire to do. i think that's where all my listlessness comes from - a lack of drive, nothing to reach out and strive for. i don't want to envy those people who have their goals laid out in front of them, checking them off one by one like a to-do list, i want to be that person. i'm done sitting on the sidelines. it's time for less talk and more action.
after i wrote it though i just kind of smiled as it was such a simple request among the other goals i've been making for myself lately. i'm not the kind of person that usually has goals. i honestly don't know what it feels like to set a goal for myself and then achieve it. i'm so lax, i mostly play things by ear or just let them play out in whichever way they seem to. well, shit just doesn't get done when i do it that way. i'm starting small and i'm not even going to tell anyone what these goals are - but it's about damn time i started making some.
dennis asked me awhile ago if there was anywhere i had ever wanted to go all my life, or anything i had always wanted to do. well, the answer is no. there's never been some magical place in my mind where i've always wanted to travel and i've never really had anything i had a strong desire to do. i think that's where all my listlessness comes from - a lack of drive, nothing to reach out and strive for. i don't want to envy those people who have their goals laid out in front of them, checking them off one by one like a to-do list, i want to be that person. i'm done sitting on the sidelines. it's time for less talk and more action.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
come back to me post-it
well that teaches me to write shit on post it notes. i was feeling a bit scatter brained yesterday and wrote some blog topics on a post-it note. well, guess what? said post-it note is now MIA. ugh. i keep telling myself that i couldn't have divulged too much of my inner craziness on the space of a post-it note, but my inner craziness keeps freaking out a bit. i envision that little yellow piece of sticky paper in the hands of the enemy, snickering about all my troubled thoughts. but would the enemy even know it was i who had written it? prob'ly not. on that note - who's the enemy, even? they were blog topics so its obviously not anything diary-worthy. coz let's face it folks, while i'm getting a bit better at being my honest self here on this here blog - i tell my diary much juicier topics. i hope that doesn't hurt the feelings of my audience of two.
okay, that's not true. i don't even really write in a diary. partially for fear of somebody finding it, but really because i don't like going back and reading what i wrote. i always end up sounding like some 13 year old girl who's obsessed with hanson (still). there's really not even anything very juicy to write in it. just the thought of someone really being in my thoughts is something that stresses me out. and that can't even really be true either coz here i am ranting in verdana.
okay, maybe there are a few juicy topics - but if i won't even write them in a diary i'm most definitely not writing them here!
i heard the other day that scott peterson has a blog. apparently everyone has a blog now. except my mom i hope. that would be weird. but anyway. i wanted to search out scotts blog. (no, we're not on a first name basis.) i'm not even sure why. just sounded like the thing to do.
okay, that's not true. i don't even really write in a diary. partially for fear of somebody finding it, but really because i don't like going back and reading what i wrote. i always end up sounding like some 13 year old girl who's obsessed with hanson (still). there's really not even anything very juicy to write in it. just the thought of someone really being in my thoughts is something that stresses me out. and that can't even really be true either coz here i am ranting in verdana.
okay, maybe there are a few juicy topics - but if i won't even write them in a diary i'm most definitely not writing them here!
i heard the other day that scott peterson has a blog. apparently everyone has a blog now. except my mom i hope. that would be weird. but anyway. i wanted to search out scotts blog. (no, we're not on a first name basis.) i'm not even sure why. just sounded like the thing to do.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
speaking of dark knights...
i am so super pumped to go see the new batman movie. with all the hype surrounding it, i just hope i can get tickets. luckily, st. louis has about 40 million more theaters than madison so i should be able to see it somewhere this weekend. i half thought about buying tickets online but i don't know who all is going to be going... and i wasn't about to blow 50 bucks reserving tickets for a date and time that would leave me going by myself to the most expensive movie experience of my lifetime. oh oh oh, ijustcantwait!
i'm gonna be one poor child this month. july always has the best movies and they always come out back to back. the new x files movie comes out soon as well as mamma mia and step brothers. i just need to take a weekend and spend the entire time at the theater. pay for one - sneak into the rest. it'd be like junior high all over again! now all i need is a boy to makeout with in the back row. wait, eff that. i'd rather watch the movie!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
my dark knight
i have a fake boyfriend. no, i didn't stutter. i have a fake boyfriend. does he know he's my fake boyfriend? of course not, that's just silly. now even though this relationship blooms only in the inner most depths of my mind, i was still mildly depressed to find out here in reality he's married AND it appears he has a kid.
do i know he's the proud father of a little girl? no, but she sure does look a lot like him! that's enough in my books to make my sudo-relationship crumble into pieces.
okay so do i sound a little bit crazy right now? well, yes.
but let me lay it out for you; i think most girls have fake boyfriends. so why do we feel the need to make believe our way into happiness? simple, because our fake boyfriend can be anything we want him to be. he can be the perfect man; the one on the white horse, the one who saves us from danger, and cooks us breakfast when he's done folding the laundry.
i think most real boyfriends start out this way. there's always this "he is" factor in a new relationship. "he is going to be the one who sweeps me off my feet." "he is going to be the one the songs are about." and then the newness wears off and you're stuck with a smelly guy who leaves his socks everywhere. the romantic sides seeps back inside and the spark is gone.
i think its the media that really fucks us girls over. they give us some scewed reality of jim and pam, or of carrie and big and then our expectations are set too high. we want someone to give us goosebumps, and who always has the right thing to say to make us smile.
so what do we do? we create someone. we pick out a cute boy, and imagine that he's our one and only. we imagine that he's the one who gives us the stomach drop, the butterflies, the feeling of floating on air. we close our eyes and imagine.
...and we hope to god that he never finds out.
do i know he's the proud father of a little girl? no, but she sure does look a lot like him! that's enough in my books to make my sudo-relationship crumble into pieces.
okay so do i sound a little bit crazy right now? well, yes.
but let me lay it out for you; i think most girls have fake boyfriends. so why do we feel the need to make believe our way into happiness? simple, because our fake boyfriend can be anything we want him to be. he can be the perfect man; the one on the white horse, the one who saves us from danger, and cooks us breakfast when he's done folding the laundry.
i think most real boyfriends start out this way. there's always this "he is" factor in a new relationship. "he is going to be the one who sweeps me off my feet." "he is going to be the one the songs are about." and then the newness wears off and you're stuck with a smelly guy who leaves his socks everywhere. the romantic sides seeps back inside and the spark is gone.
i think its the media that really fucks us girls over. they give us some scewed reality of jim and pam, or of carrie and big and then our expectations are set too high. we want someone to give us goosebumps, and who always has the right thing to say to make us smile.
so what do we do? we create someone. we pick out a cute boy, and imagine that he's our one and only. we imagine that he's the one who gives us the stomach drop, the butterflies, the feeling of floating on air. we close our eyes and imagine.
...and we hope to god that he never finds out.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
i have a complaint
a good friend of mine is in the works of getting a divorce. i won't pretend i know the whole story, but from the bits and pieces i do know, i can't say i blame her one bit.
i take that last statement back. i don't blame anyone for getting a divorce. if you're unhappy enough to the point of wanting one, then it's probably for the best. who am i to judge? it's for sure not my place. what is my place though is to be there for my friend, and to side with her 100%. i don't think i'm the kind of friend who will let you make a stupid decision without letting you know i think it's a stupid decision - but i'll still back you no questions asked.
that being said, onto my complaint. so i signed onto AIM the other day and i wasn't on for 2 seconds before boom her husband messages me. if there was a prize given out to those who could guess what the approaching conversation would entail - i would've won it hands down. so of course i get the whole "whoa is me" attitude. the "i still love her" comments, and the "i'd do anything to get her back" promises. was i suprised? of course not. what did suprise me however, was the fact that he had the balls to even take this route to get to her.
as my daddy always said, i didn't just fall off the potato wagon. i'm not stupid. i knew he was hoping somewhere deep down that i would say, "oh wow, she's totally misjudged you (you big giant asshole)... i should go tell her what a big mistake she's making." well if that's what you though then you've obviously misjudged me. YEAH I SAID IT.
the reason girls and guys each have their own respective friends is for this reason. her friends side with her and your friends side with you. nice try buddy, but you're gonna have to try a lot harder to fool me.
i take that last statement back. i don't blame anyone for getting a divorce. if you're unhappy enough to the point of wanting one, then it's probably for the best. who am i to judge? it's for sure not my place. what is my place though is to be there for my friend, and to side with her 100%. i don't think i'm the kind of friend who will let you make a stupid decision without letting you know i think it's a stupid decision - but i'll still back you no questions asked.
that being said, onto my complaint. so i signed onto AIM the other day and i wasn't on for 2 seconds before boom her husband messages me. if there was a prize given out to those who could guess what the approaching conversation would entail - i would've won it hands down. so of course i get the whole "whoa is me" attitude. the "i still love her" comments, and the "i'd do anything to get her back" promises. was i suprised? of course not. what did suprise me however, was the fact that he had the balls to even take this route to get to her.
as my daddy always said, i didn't just fall off the potato wagon. i'm not stupid. i knew he was hoping somewhere deep down that i would say, "oh wow, she's totally misjudged you (you big giant asshole)... i should go tell her what a big mistake she's making." well if that's what you though then you've obviously misjudged me. YEAH I SAID IT.
the reason girls and guys each have their own respective friends is for this reason. her friends side with her and your friends side with you. nice try buddy, but you're gonna have to try a lot harder to fool me.
Monday, July 7, 2008
pending
this time, i'm writing my blog before i title it. take that, order of things!
so. i've been in a funk as of late. i'm kind of categorizing it as a sort of "mid life crisis." (could i make that sentence any more non-commital?) that's how i've been feeling lately - very non-commital. very, "is this all there is?" it kind of scares me though - because i'm at a point in my life that people strive to be at. i have an okay job, i'm married, we have a nice house, etc, etc, etc. sure, this is where i want to be - maybe by the time i'm 30. i guess i don't really know what i thought my life was going to be like. i've always been a "we'll play it by ear" kind of girl - not really thinking about the consequences that often accompany actions.
i should clarify. by consequences i don't mean the kind that always follow bad decisions. what i mean is this; every action has a reaction. i guess i just stopped worrying about what reactions my actions would entail.
so where do i go from here? when a good friend of mine told me i was too old to get a piercing, i realized i am past a point in my life where i can really justify bad decisions - passing them off as just another adolescent mistake. but while i'm too old to run around frantically searching for my place in life, i'm also realizing that i'm very young - and i'm still feeling my way around trying to figure out what the point of it all is.
so what's the point? that's what i'm still grasping at straws trying to figure out. it's a weird limbo i'm in because i'm not in a huge depressed state of "oh whoa is me, whats the point of this life?" its a inquisitive prodding, a look left and a look right. it's a girl trying to gain the courage to place her foot over that line and step out on her own - even if that path may lead in no direction at all.
so. i've been in a funk as of late. i'm kind of categorizing it as a sort of "mid life crisis." (could i make that sentence any more non-commital?) that's how i've been feeling lately - very non-commital. very, "is this all there is?" it kind of scares me though - because i'm at a point in my life that people strive to be at. i have an okay job, i'm married, we have a nice house, etc, etc, etc. sure, this is where i want to be - maybe by the time i'm 30. i guess i don't really know what i thought my life was going to be like. i've always been a "we'll play it by ear" kind of girl - not really thinking about the consequences that often accompany actions.
i should clarify. by consequences i don't mean the kind that always follow bad decisions. what i mean is this; every action has a reaction. i guess i just stopped worrying about what reactions my actions would entail.
so where do i go from here? when a good friend of mine told me i was too old to get a piercing, i realized i am past a point in my life where i can really justify bad decisions - passing them off as just another adolescent mistake. but while i'm too old to run around frantically searching for my place in life, i'm also realizing that i'm very young - and i'm still feeling my way around trying to figure out what the point of it all is.
so what's the point? that's what i'm still grasping at straws trying to figure out. it's a weird limbo i'm in because i'm not in a huge depressed state of "oh whoa is me, whats the point of this life?" its a inquisitive prodding, a look left and a look right. it's a girl trying to gain the courage to place her foot over that line and step out on her own - even if that path may lead in no direction at all.
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