jungle fever!

while i in no way am as masterful as mrs. banda with my cuppycake skillz, i still managed to snap a few photos of the cuppycakes i made for my birthday treat for work tomorrow:



my cuppycakes fight segregation:



tada!

reminiscence

dreams are an evil, evil thing.

so recently i stumbled upon an old relationship that hasn't been thought of for at least 6 years or so. well, i wouldn't say hasn't been thought of - but it surely hasn't been thought of in the mindset in which it's been in my head lately.

ugh okay i'm not even going to try and dance around it in fear of the wrong person reading this so here goes...

so the sister of an exboyfriend added me as a friend on myspace. i'm not going to pretend like i didn't have ulterior motives when i accepted the friendship. i wanted to peruse her pictures and (fine, be a stalker) and find out what's been going on in the life of the first person i ever loved. (okay, loved? who knows what it was but at the time i thought it was love...)

so he's married. i knew that already. i ran into his parents awhile back while working at chili's and heard he was engaged so i wasn't at all shocked to see wedding pictures. okay, maybe a little shocked. he looked the same yet completely different. he looked happy, which in turn made me happy. i am genuinely happy for him.

a little background: i was kind of a bitch in high school and broke up with him. i think we had been dating almost 2 years. i was a senior in HS and i think he was a sophomore in college... the distance thing just wasn't working out. i needed to flap my wings and figure out who i was (which mind you, i still haven't quite figured out). i'm pretty sure i broke the poor kids heart, but anyway, i digress.

so at the time of viewing the myspace photos i was just kind of like "oh chris got married, cute wife... nice." no feelings other than those of "ahh those were the days." well, the "those were the days" feelings slowly turned into thinking of the first time we kissed, how i used to lie to my parents about riding the activity bus home so we could go to the park, him surprising me on valentines day from college. ugh, which in turn then manifested into an actual dream last night.

i had a dream i was at his wedding (why i was even invited, i have no idea). the details aren't important but they had this big romantic kiss and it was raining and i was left feeling a little jealous. even when i woke up this morning i still felt the pangs of jealousy.

this is so silly. i have no feels for the guy whatsoever. its like i'm second guessing myself or something. the things of our relationship that i've remembered have of course been all the happy times when we were young and stupid and still had that puppy love glow about us. i know in reality it wasn't perfect. there was that constant control, fear of loss, scramble for grip. instead of thinking about what was, im left thinking of what i imagine things to be; again.

so anyway. i won't lie and say i haven't imagined this "if we meet again" encounter in my head. i picture us bumping into each other one day. getting together for coffee, laughing at ourselves and how we thought things were way back when, and then getting up, moving on and never seeing each other again; perfectly content in what is now.

wishful thinking i guess.

locked up in a box

usually on my first night home alone i end up playing some relaxing music and going through old boxes of pictures and random stuff from my high school and college days. it really struck me tonight especially though coz i really dived into some old notes from friends and boyfriends which i usually skip over and don't read. something tonight stopped me though and i read each one i had in my wooden box of secrets kept close to my heart. i was really humbled to remember all the good memories i had with different people.

its weird because when you're in high school you think that your memories will last forever. then you get to college, forget all about high school and think the same thing about your college memories. then one day, you wake up and realize that you are an adult all of a sudden (holy shit!) and you've suddenly forgotten about the person you were way back when.

i had certain hopes about my life which i don't neccessarily think haven't come true - but it's a different state of being. when you're in school preparing for your life, your life can really be anything you want it to be because its all some dream world far away and nonexistent. when all of a sudden reality hits and you're in the here and the now everything from the past looks foggy and unfamiliar.

this is why i hold onto these little mementos of life - they are things that bring me back to who i was and help me get on the right path of who i am and who i want to be.

bah, stupid cold

i feel like i work in the antarctic. one of these days i'm going to come to work in a full snowsuit, mittens, earmuffs, and anything else that screams "turn up the heat!" and i'm going to wear it all day at my desk. either that or maybe i should invest in one of those half blanket/half robe deals. man do those look cozy.

i'm boycotting winter. i wasn't designed for it. i'm no keira knightly or anything, but i surely do not have enough insulation on me to make winter worthwhile. i pretty much hate everything about it - the snow, the cold, the frost, the cold, the holiday crowds, and did i mention the cold?

i however do enjoy the following - hot chocolate, christmas music, christmas lights, cookies, wrapping presents, and roastin' chestnuts on a fire... but can't we just do all that minus the freakishly cold weather? i'd be perfectly fine roastin' some chestnuts while sitting out on my balcony in 80 degree weather with a nice breeze, a sun hat and a mojito. i mean really, is that so much to ask for?

bah. i guess i live in the wrong part of the country to complain as much as i do. hmm...

some rambling

i'm trying to learn that i have no control over anyone but myself. i think once i get this through my head i'll be free to be a happier person. i'm tired of worrying about how other people will react to what i say or do. i am who i am. i can't help what i like or dislike. i have a weird sense of humor. i don't care if you think it's weird or not. learn to like it or get away from me.

i believe in energy. it seems like once i let go of trying to will something to happen, once i really am happy with who i am and what i do and the moment im in, i attract others towards me. more specifically one person. once i let go of worrying about what the next move should be, poof, there i am back where i want to be.

this is something i need to get better at.

this isn't meant to make sense.

*cough*

blech. i've been feeling like uber crap the last few days. i have some sort of cold that's been traveling around the office. it makes me wish people would stay home when they're sick... but then again i should take my own advice.

it's been getting colder and colder up here. it feels like winter already and it's not even my birthday yet. i'm used to warm weather until at least halloween, so what the eff is up with me wearing a coat to work every morning already? it is a nice change from summer but i'm not quite ready for the impending snow yet.

i love fall. there's something about it that makes me feel like me. i love breaking out the sweatshirts and taking walks as then sun starts to set, and i love being able to smell the leaves beginning their decay. it's such a great feeling. i wish there was a place i could move to that had fall year round. that's definitely where i want to be.

so i went down into campus territory last weekend with my sister and bridget and found quite a few really cute shops. i can't wait to go back and do some christmas shopping in that area. i'm glad i was finally able to get down there and do something scavenging. i wish we lived closer to downtown. madison really does have some cool aspects about it... it's too bad the bad seems to usually outweigh the good.

i never really claimed this city as being mine. i think that's the problem. it's like i've been trying not to get attached or something, and as much as i'd like to attach myself... i'm not quite ready yet.

man, i could really go for a nap right now.