reminiscence

dreams are an evil, evil thing.

so recently i stumbled upon an old relationship that hasn't been thought of for at least 6 years or so. well, i wouldn't say hasn't been thought of - but it surely hasn't been thought of in the mindset in which it's been in my head lately.

ugh okay i'm not even going to try and dance around it in fear of the wrong person reading this so here goes...

so the sister of an exboyfriend added me as a friend on myspace. i'm not going to pretend like i didn't have ulterior motives when i accepted the friendship. i wanted to peruse her pictures and (fine, be a stalker) and find out what's been going on in the life of the first person i ever loved. (okay, loved? who knows what it was but at the time i thought it was love...)

so he's married. i knew that already. i ran into his parents awhile back while working at chili's and heard he was engaged so i wasn't at all shocked to see wedding pictures. okay, maybe a little shocked. he looked the same yet completely different. he looked happy, which in turn made me happy. i am genuinely happy for him.

a little background: i was kind of a bitch in high school and broke up with him. i think we had been dating almost 2 years. i was a senior in HS and i think he was a sophomore in college... the distance thing just wasn't working out. i needed to flap my wings and figure out who i was (which mind you, i still haven't quite figured out). i'm pretty sure i broke the poor kids heart, but anyway, i digress.

so at the time of viewing the myspace photos i was just kind of like "oh chris got married, cute wife... nice." no feelings other than those of "ahh those were the days." well, the "those were the days" feelings slowly turned into thinking of the first time we kissed, how i used to lie to my parents about riding the activity bus home so we could go to the park, him surprising me on valentines day from college. ugh, which in turn then manifested into an actual dream last night.

i had a dream i was at his wedding (why i was even invited, i have no idea). the details aren't important but they had this big romantic kiss and it was raining and i was left feeling a little jealous. even when i woke up this morning i still felt the pangs of jealousy.

this is so silly. i have no feels for the guy whatsoever. its like i'm second guessing myself or something. the things of our relationship that i've remembered have of course been all the happy times when we were young and stupid and still had that puppy love glow about us. i know in reality it wasn't perfect. there was that constant control, fear of loss, scramble for grip. instead of thinking about what was, im left thinking of what i imagine things to be; again.

so anyway. i won't lie and say i haven't imagined this "if we meet again" encounter in my head. i picture us bumping into each other one day. getting together for coffee, laughing at ourselves and how we thought things were way back when, and then getting up, moving on and never seeing each other again; perfectly content in what is now.

wishful thinking i guess.