i'm awake

I want to do stuff.

There are a lot of things I want to do. I'm not really sure why all of a sudden my interest in achieving things has been sparked. I've spent most of my life up until now not understanding why I wasn't a goal-oriented person.

It ranges from things I want to learn how to do to information that sparks my curiosity and a desire to learn more. I read an article today about how the big red spot on Jupiter is shrinking and I was instantly curious. Now I want to learn more about the planets. I want to know things. I want to understand the world better.

I talked with Bryan about going fishing awhile back. He asked if I would even take the fish off the hook. I told him I'd worm the hook, but I wouldn't take the fish off. I was thinking about this conversation yesterday and thought, "Why won't I take the fish off the hook?" It's so silly. Of course I'll take the fish off the hook! Why wouldn't I? What am I afraid of?

It's so easy to let the convictions of others drive the things we will and will not do. We're looking at new cars and I've always been adamant about getting an automatic transmission. I don't know how to drive manual, but why can't I learn? I realized when I rattled off all my reasons, "hard to drive," "what about in the winter?," that my mom and dad were speaking through me. Why can't I drive a manual? It's cheaper and probably even more fun to drive. So, why not?

It feels like I just woke up and there is not one thing I can put my finger on to explain my new lease on life. I'm a happier person.

I want to do things to help the earth. I want to recycle and use cotton bags when I go shopping. I want to be more conscious of the food I eat and how wasteful we sometimes are. I want to re-use. I want to grow plants. I want to save energy.

It would be easy to put it on the things going on with my dad. To say that I've realized that life is short. But I'm not really sure that's it. Maybe somewhere subconscious it is, but I don't really feel like my energy is drawing from that. Maybe I'm just really starting to turn into an adult. I no longer want to be just a consumer. I want to a producer. A producer of good energy, love, knowledge, and the ability to be good at things.

I want to learn how to play the piano and the guitar. I want to grow some plants for cooking - and be a better cook. I want to learn how to speak Spanish and French. I want to write stories. I want to knit stuff. I want to go to movies and listen to music. I want to take a boxing class. I want to make money to travel around and see my friends. I want to understand the stock market.

I've realized it's easier to place my happiness in some world outside of which I live; to think I'd be happy "if." But, life isn't supposed to be easy. Happiness is here, happiness is now. I am the same person in Madison I would be in St. Louis. I am happy for what I have, for the people in my life, for my surroundings, for the experiences I've had.

They may not be much, but they're mine.