on insomnia

I have been feeling guilty the last few days. Guilty for feeling bad, I guess. A good friend of mine lost someone last week, which I just found out about on Saturday. The images keep creeping into my head and I haven't been able to sleep. That's where the guilt comes in. Why am I losing sleep? I lost no one. I hurt for her though. It is unimaginable what she is going through right now.

As I laid in bed last night listening to the silence, the slow snore of the man next to me, and the occasional batting of a toy mouse in the hallway, a small part of me wanted to pray for her.

I am a sensible person. I do not believe that you can make things happen by praying. I do not believe that by praying you can make things not happen. I do not believe that my praying for her would give her any comfort. The comfort given by reciting the Our Father would purely be for my benefit. It's a learned behavior. A comfort tool. A child sucking their thumb.

I thought of what my dad would say. "Well, it can't hurt." And I guess he's right. Even if I'm against organized religion, against the belief that there's some man in the sky who has dominion over us, decides what happens to us by how much prayer we give - what is the harm in reciting a small prayer if it gives me comfort?

I didn't pray last night. I didn't say the Our Father or the Hail Mary. I let my conflicted mind wander all over the place. I thought about meditation. I thought about my friend. I thought about how short life is. I thought about war. I thought about the friends I used to have that are no longer here. I thought about life before moving here. About Chili's. About Ernie. About Scott. About Jaci planning her wedding. Laughing, playing, joking around. Trading shifts, comping food, Sunday parties.

I guess it's one of the downfalls of growing up. I look at my parents, people that are older than me and see that they've lost people too. Even if they're not my closest friends, in my inner circle; realizing a person you used to see on a daily basis is no longer on the planet, no longer goofing around, no longer comping food or telling jokes, no longer kissing their wife, their son... it makes you really think hard about your own mortality. How fragile life really is. How quickly things change.

How life forges ahead with or without you.