cognizance

the geese are back. this is a good sign. i am trying to push away thoughts of reading on the back porch, barbecues, and jeep rides with the top down as it's only making me more frustrated when i hear we're getting another conglomeration of snowfall this week. a girl can only take so much. summer in madison is much more tolerable but i guess i still don't quite understand what the fuss is about. i keep hearing about how great madison is - there are more and more people i know moving here. is it wrong for me to want to move away so bad? the thought of having kids here makes my mind race. i feel like if we still live here when we have school-aged kids then we're stuck and i feel like by doing that i lose a part of myself. i guess when i think about having kids i want them to have some of the same experiences i did. i want them to know what a thunderstorm that builds from humid air feels like. i want the lights to go out. it's funny how as i am writing this i'm realizing that thunderstorms are a huge part of what i miss. bring my closest friends and family to madison, add in the humidity and the tornadic weather and i'd be set.

i think this stems from a connection i hold with my dad. and i think i'm holding onto these storms just as i hold on to him. wow, epiphany. i guess subconsciously i feel that by losing this experience i also lose a part of him. talk about a realization.

one of my favorite things about my dad, which i know i've mentioned before, are the times we used to sit on the front porch as a storm rolled in. the rain would pour off of the roof, coming down faster than than the gutters could keep up with. lightning would light up the street and thunder would shake the glass on the front door and still we sat, rocking back and forth on the porch bench - just he and i.

madison does get the occasional thunderstorm - but they just don't compare to what you get in st. louis.. when i was younger i wanted nothing more than to move away. and while i know that moving away from your comfort zone helps you grow, i do envy those people who live where they grew up., who have friends they've known since grade-school and see them everyday. i miss my closest friends. what i wouldn't give to be closer to them.

the bright side to all of this is how much more this distance makes me appreciate these things i don't get to experience every day. when i do make it to st. louis and that thunderstorm rolls in - my feelings swell up much more than they would if it happened every day. the time i get to spend with jenny and sean holds even more value because i know that in a matter of days we will all go our separate ways again. i am humbled by the thought of each of these people as a part of myself. while physically we go different directions, we are all tied together by the same geological location. we are all different branches of one tree - and that will always be something we can hold onto. jenny, sean, erin, dennis, bridget, kate, jen, emily, joe, mom, dad - these are all people who hold a sliver of myself as i knew her before madison and after. i guess i realize that even though my location my change - i am still the same person and will be the same person no matter where i go.